Page 55 of Sugar and Skulls

“I can drive myself.” I shove past him.

He grabs me and spins me, so my back is pressed to his chest. His arms encircle me so tight I can’t move. “I’m all for choices. You can either let Raffe drive you or you can ride on the back of my bike. Choose.”

My heart is galloping out of my chest. His breath is hot on my neck. His voice in my ear. It would be so easy to surrender. Surrender, my mind screams. But, that’s not who I am. I don’t need them. I don’t need him. I don’t.

But, it would feel so good to turn in his arms. To burry myself into him. Let him take care of me.

“What’s it going to be, Jesse?”

“I’ll ride with Raffe but, I’m not talking.”

Dirk releases me. Immediately I hate the loss of his strong arms.

“One more thing. Where’s the photo?”

“What photo?” I try to shove past him again, but he drags me close to him. He presses my head into his chest while his other hand presses against the small of my back. I squirm around, trying to break free.

I still when I feel Raffe’s body heat against my backside. He begins to frisk me. I panic. Not because they scare me. Not because I don’t like the feel of their hands on me. I do. More than I should. But, because I’m terrified of how they will look at me once they see the photo of William and me.

When the picture is slipped from my pocket I let out a sob. Dirk tightens his grip on me. His mouth presses against the top of my head. He places a kiss there. “I know everything feels out of control right now.” He pushes me back so he can look into my eyes. “It’s not. It just feels that way. Take a deep breath.” His mood ring eyes glide over my face. When he is satisfied I’m as calm as I’m going to get he lets go of me.

My head drops when Raffe hands the photo to him. I’m so ashamed. He shoves it in his pocket. “We will talk about this later. Right now, we need to get you back to Katie and Bill.”

“Please don’t show that to Bill,” I say quietly.

“I won’t.” He places his hand at the small of my back and guides me out to the rod.

Before I duck my head to get inside, I pause. “Or, Dan.”

“I won’t show anyone, Jesse. I’m just going to hold onto it for you. I’ll give it back soon.”

For most of the trip I lean my head on the door frame, watching Dirk’s headlight behind us in the side mirror. Raffe doesn’t push me to talk. Eighties rock plays quietly on the radio. Raffe taps his fingers against the wheel to each tune.

“Dirk says we are going somewhere over spring break. I can’t leave Katie so I need you tell him I can’t go.”

He doesn’t say anything. Raffe stares straight ahead at the road.

“Raffe. I can’t go. You know this. Please make him understand.”

Finally, his eyes leave the road. He glances at me before returning his gaze to the highway. “Jesse, this is going to sound crazy to you but I’m going to give you a piece of advice.”

I nod. “Go ahead.”

“Stop trying to think ahead. I know you’ve got a lot going on in your life and in your head, but you need to focus on the now.”

“I am but I have school. I have responsibilities.” I throw my hands up in the air.

“Goddammit, Jesse,” he says, grinding his teeth. I’ve never seen Raffe angry before. “All you need to worry about is being there for Katie and your schoolwork. Everything else we will handle together.”

“Together as in you, me and Dirk?” I scoff.

“Yes.”

I shake my head and pull my feet up on the seat, hugging my legs to my chest. “You have no idea how complicated my life is.”

“No idea? I watched you almost kill a man tonight. I think I have a good idea of how complicated things are.”

I have no argument for that.

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