Page 115 of Watercolor Skulls

I pause at the foot of the bed. “I…I have to tell you something.” Oh god. I can’t lose Dan. I just can’t.

“Baby, whatever is tearing you up, let it out. I’m reading you like an open book. You’re never going to lose me. What’s wrong?”

I tap my fingers over my lips. “Okay.” I pace a little more, trying to find my balls.

“Come here.”

My eyes roam up the bed. He’s patting the spot between his legs. I shake my head. I can’t be close to him, I’ll cry, and I can’t cry right now. I just need to tell him.

Or I could keep this a secret for the rest of my life. I mean I don’t know if I’m right about any of this.

Dan waits patiently for me to talk to him. “What can I do to help you, Lily?”

I plop down at the end of the bed, turning to face him. “God, I don’t know where to start.”

He sits up, looking a little nervous now.

“I’ve had a bit of a secret but please know I only kept it because I didn’t want to cause any more heartache than necessary.”

He slides down to the end of the bed, taking my hands in his. “I love you, baby. Whatever this is it changes nothing between you and I.”

“Jenny had been pregnant.”

Dan doesn’t flinch he just listens, his thumb brushing over my knuckles. Calm and steady. My rock.

“I thought the baby perished with her but when the coroner didn’t mention she was pregnant I was confused. I waited until Raffe left the room and I asked him. He said she wasn’t carrying a child. I...I didn’t understand but the more I thought about it I assumed she had the baby while I was in Paris with my mother.” I pick at a string on his comforter.

“Go on,” he says quietly.

“My dad let her pick the adoption couple. We were both surprised he was even letting her have the baby let alone allowing her to decide where the baby would go.” I rub my hand over my forehead, a headache pushing in behind my eyes. “Jenny was his one soft spot, if you could call it that.”

I stand up, walking over to the window to look down at the party still going on. Jackson must have gotten a new kite for his birthday. He and Rachel are running with it trying to get it into the air. I laugh lightly before turning back to Dan, resting my butt on the window sill.

“She was so happy the day she picked a couple. She told me it was as if the fates themselves had wrote the chapter.”

Dan stands up. “You mean…you think…” His eyes roam to the window behind me.

“I don’t know, Dan, but the math is right.”

He walks over to the journals on the nightstand. He grabs them and hands them to me. “I know you’ve been reluctant to read her private words but…but Jesus, Lily, we need some answers here before we go to them.”

I take the books. “I’m scared to find out. Because if it is what I think it is how can I stay here?”

“What do you mean?” He dips his head capturing my eyes.

“He…he can’t know who I am because he can’t know who his father is.”

Dan stands up straight, running his hand through his hair. “Jackson would be your…”

I slide down to the floor, laying the books in my lap.

He joins me, pressing his body close to mine. “This isn’t a bad thing, baby. Read, maybe she wrote about it in her journal.”

Picking up the journal she last wrote in, I glance at Dan. He nods once.

As I open the journal an envelope slips out. It lands on my lap face up with my name on it and all I can do is stare at it.

“Lily, it’s okay. Take a deep breath.”

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