Page 19 of Restrictions

I stare at her, studying her and hearing everything she’s not saying. “That night with Colt was your first time?”

I watch her swallow. Her voice is raspy and barely existent. “Yes. First and only.”

“What?” I think I’m in shock, my heart races, and my throat is desert dry. “You’ve only had sex once? And it was the time you got pregnant?”

Her hands are balled into nervous fists in her lap, and she takes a deep breath. “Yes.” She looks into my eyes, pleading with me. “Please don’t make it a big deal. I’ve been kind of busy.”

“Holy fuck.”

She huffs and turns away from me, looking back up at the screen. “Asher, it’s not that weird.”

“I’m not saying it’s weird. It’s just fucking surprising.” I mean, look at her. She may be uptight, but the girl is fucking gorgeous.

“Sebastian is my priority, not getting laid. And if I got pregnant again, my God, my parents would have a fit.”

“They do have birth control, you know.”

“Oh I know. I’ve been on birth control since I had Sebastian.”

Didn’t expect that either. This girl is all mystery and surprises. Suddenly I’m aware of how little I know about her. “You know, you really can’t get pregnant if you’re not having sex, right?”

She sighs loudly and turns to me, clearly annoyed now. The whole conversation has shifted. “I know that. I’m just not leaving a damn thingup to chance ever again. I have an IUD and am good to go for five years. Two left. And I carry a condom in my purse.”

“So you do want to get laid?”

Now she looks at me like I’m stupid, which maybe I am because I’m lost. “No. I mean,” She plays with her hair, running her fingers through loose strands that have fallen out of her ponytail. “Maybe. Someday. I just don’t ever want to lose control again.”

“That’s a sad fucking way to live life.”

She looks surprised by my reaction. “You don’t use condoms? With all of your hookups?”

This is where we differ because I don’t get ashamed about having a normal sexual appetite. No repression here. “Of course I do, but being afraid to lose control? Come on, Viv. What’s the point of life if you don’t allow yourself to get lost? Especially in another person.”

Sawyer’s theory about having to schedule an appointment to have sex with her pops into my head, and I think he might actually be right. “I love my son more than life, but I can’t afford to not practice restraint.”

“You’ve lived your whole life restricted. Maybe it’s time to experience freedom.”

“Freedom isn’t a luxury I have.”

“It can be.” Our eyes are locked on each other’s, lost in some sort of battle—me fighting for her to loosen up and her determined to stay wound tight.

She looks away and goes back to watching the screen. “Just watch the movie.”

I turn back to the screen as well, but my mind is going over all the information I learned tonight.

She’s been through hell and had to fight to be a mother, but I don’t want her to miss out on life. I know Colt wouldn’t want that either.

9

VIVIENNE

I’ve been avoiding Asher. I know I have. I shouldn’t, but our talk a few nights ago in the theater room was overwhelmingly honest.

I’ve never talked with anyone about getting pregnant in high school other than telling Lincoln about Sebastian, but that was quick with no details.

Telling Asher I lost my virginity to his brother on a whim was humiliating. And I’m not sure why I did it other than I’m tired of holding everything so close.

He hasn’t pried any more since that night, and maybe he’s avoiding me too because besides meals with Sebastian, I haven’t really seen him much.

---