Page 52 of Kilo's Edge

She nodded, giving me a weak smile. “I know.”

Her understanding, and barely concealed disappointment, made me sigh. No kid should have to live like this. She knew what all this meant in the past and she was preparing herself tohave to run again. I couldn’t blame her because if it came down to it, I was going to send her and Mama away.

I didn’t know where yet, but I had a small savings stashed away and if I had to, I’d buy them a one-way ticket to some foreign country. Somewhere that they could sit on a beach and live out their lives away from the threat that always seemed to loom. Without me with them Kruzman wasn’t likely to follow. I was the only one the FBI could use to testify against him.

I couldn’t think of any other reason why he’d be after us, even though Kilo had asked if there was anything. It had to be because I was a threat to his continued freedom. What else was there? And while I knew deep down that I’d done what I needed to in order to make sure that both me and my family survived, I couldn’t help but continue to wonder if I should have never made the choice to work with the FBI. It was an impossible situation. And one that wasn’t of my making. That didn’t mean the guilt wasn’t there. I loved my mama and sister so much. I couldn’t live with myself knowing something happened to them. And now there was Kilo.

The fact that he and his brothers were willing to help protect us made my heart want to burst inside my chest with happiness. But I was scared. For him. For his brothers. They were his family. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. Not for me.

My sigh was heavy and when Carmen sat on the bed next to me and wrapped her arms around me in a sideways hug, I leaned my head on her shoulder.

“None of this is your fault. You always take responsibility for things that aren’t yours to claim.”

I lifted my head and stared at her. Her pretty brown eyes were earnest and bright. “You have an old soul. You know that, right?” Some of the things she said surprised me sometimes. Heck, most of the time. She was an incredible girl, and she was going to grow up into a caring, kind, insightful woman. I’d givemy life to make sure she had the opportunity to become what she was meant to. “I love you so much, Carmen.”

“I love you, too. I just think you should consider something.”

“What’s that?”

“The way you always fight to protect me and Mama? To make sure our lives are as easy as they can be?” I nodded. “That’s what Kilo’s trying to do for you.”

I sighed and nodded again. “I know. It’s hard to give this over to him. To let him take on a burden that’s not his to carry.”

“You’ve been doing it for us for years. For Dad.” She paused a moment, then asked in a soft voice, “Are you angry with him?”

“With Dad?”

She looked down at her lap and nodded.

“No,” I sighed. “I just want to know the truth. The FBI has their theories of why he got involved with Kruzman and what happened, but I can’t make the man we knew into a bad guy in my mind. You know?”

“I know,” she replied in a solemn tone. “I just keep thinking about that time he took us to the fair.”

“You wanted to ride the carousel horses so badly.”

“But I was scared I’d fall.”

“He climbed up on that horse, pulled you in his lap, completely ignoring the guy running the ride while he shouted about weight limits and that parents weren’t allowed on the ride.”

Carmen giggled. “We rode it four times together.” There were tears shining in her eyes as she looked up at me again. “Is it possible for a man to be bad but still love his family deeply?”

“Probably,” I admitted. “I still can’t see it though. I don’t know if we’ll ever know what happened. Sometimes good men make bad decisions.” I gave her a determined look. “I’ve just decided that there’s some reason we don’t know about and I’mgoing to hold close the memories from when we were younger. And remember that he loved us.”

“He was a flawed man, just like any other, but he loved the two of you more than you’ll ever know,” Mama said from the doorway.

Shame crept in as I stared at her. She had tears tracking down her face. “I’m sorry, Mama…”

“Don't be. You’re allowed to talk about him.”

We’d had this conversation before. I knew that she had no idea why Dad was killed either. Other than Kruzman was just an evil person. Dad must have slighted him in some way that he took offense to. It was hard to make that connection in my mind.

That there were people out there who just killed others because they could. Self-defense made sense to me, but still it was difficult to wrap my head around taking a life. I would. For Carmen. For Mama. For Kilo. Even for myself, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t struggle with it afterward. There was no struggle for Kruzman. I could still picture his smug, satisfied smile after his men shot my father.

“I’m going to make the guys lunch. They’re over working on the new clubhouse. It’s sort of a way of saying thank you.” I shrugged. “It’s all I can offer.”

“They’ll love that,” Mama told me, coming and sitting on the other side of Carmen. “We could come help you.”

“I appreciate that, but they may not appreciate me showing up unannounced, let alone bringing two other people. I’ll leave enough food for the two of you for lunch and dinner. And you can meet them all later.”

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