Page 58 of Butcher

Huh.

I thought about Isla a lot, but it was just because she was new. And different. Right? I narrowed my eyes. “That’s it? Thinking about her?”

Daryl chuckled. “Son, if you don’t know what that is code for you might have to have Boone explain it to you.”

Relief washed over me. “Oh. You mean sex.”

Daryl scowled at me. “No, not sex. Well...” he hesitated, “yeah sex, but notjustsex. You just...” He searched for what to say then shrugged. “You end up thinking about her and what might make her smile.”

I wasn’t good at making women smile. Unless it was after sex. “And if you don’t think of a woman like that? You’re not in love with her?”

He picked his mug up and shook his head. “You ever been in love Dean?”

Daryl knew me on a level that always shocked me. Somehow he, just like his son, understood what I was and didn’t care. Just like my brothers. I didn’t understand their capacity to accept me for what I was, but I was grateful for it.

“No.” I paused, then admitted, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved anything.”

Daryl tilted his head as he studied me. “Your mother?”

Shaking my head, I told him, “I was usually irritated at her. But I was a fucking self-absorbed dick.”

“That’s typical of a teenage boy,” he said.

“She was particular.”

“What does that mean?”

“Everything had to be done a certain way. In fact, she counted a lot.” I shrugged.

“Do you do anything like that?”

“No,” I replied. “That’s not my thing.”

“What about Toxic?” he asked, steering the subject away from the woman who’d raised me.

She’d done her best. Of that I was sure. I don’t think she was capable of handling a kid like me. After the military got a hold of me she certainly wasn’t capable of handling the man I’d turned into. She was still alive, living in Alabama. She’d remarried not long after I enlisted. I send her money every month now. It was Toxic’s suggestion and something I was fine with doing. Kind of a way to make up for all the trouble I’d always caused. We didn’t talk, at least not after that phone call I’d gotten from her when I sent her money the first time. She’d thanked me, told me it wasn’t necessary, and we’d both endedup frustrated with each other by the end of the conversation. She was remarried, happy, and I left her alone to live her life.

“What about him?” I asked.

“You love him, right?” He must have sensed my confusion because he laughed. “I’m not talking about wanting to fuck him, Son. Love isn’t just about sex. I mean, you love him like a brother, right? And the rest of the men here?”

Was that what I felt for them? For the women here? And the kids? Love?

Daryl sighed. “What would you do if someone came in here and tried to kill them?”

Anger flared bright in my mind. “I’d hunt them down, slit them from throat to pelvic bone, and make them hold their own guts while they slowly died.”

“Jesus fucking...” Daryl looked both impressed and disgusted. “That’s very...descriptive. Did you have that one on the back burner or is it just a natural reaction? Don’t answer that. Not sure I want to know. But it proves my point,” he said, shaking off the disgust. “That means you love them.”

“It does?”

“You’re willing to protect them. Would you give your life for your brothers?”

“Yes.”

“For their old ladies?”

“Yes.”

---