Page 23 of No Longer Safe

Audrey

It had beenthree damn days since I’d seen or spoken to Carina. It was also three damn days since I’d spoken to Brian. Unfortunately, it was three hours since the last text message from Alexei. He just couldn’t take a hint. So now I was ignoring him. I was ignoring him and Brian and if Carina didn’t call me soon, I would add her to the list when she finally came around to realize that we hadn’t spoken in so long. I knew she was busy, but I felt like I was dying inside. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. I was off of school and didn’t know how I was supposed to spend my time. There was only so much that could be done. There weren’t any hobby workshops nearby and I wasn’t going to join the localbook club.

After another dinner alone, my phone on silent and I came to the realization that I could no longer stay in this little bitty town without something to keep me busy. I sat my fork down beside my takeout and felt a tear slip free and slide down my cheek. This was not the life I wanted for myself. This was not the life I’d dreamed of.

A knock on the door had me scrubbing my face free of my emotions. Brian waited on the other side of the door with a bouquet of light pink peonies and a box of chocolates. His suitwas missing and instead, he was wearing something I hadn’t seen since we first started dating. A sweatshirt with his college mascot on the front, basketball shorts, and tennis shoes. His hair wasn’t brushed back from his face but instead was a little messy hanging over his forehead. This was the Brian I’d fallen for all those years ago.

“I’m sorry I was an ass.”

Was that a true apology?

“I’m sorry I got overly emotional.”

He shook his head and held his arms open. I reluctantly went into his embrace. “I shouldn’t have said those things, you had every right to be emotional. I let my frustration with Ace’s brother texting you get the best of me. I shouldn’t have gotten so jealous.”

I nodded against his sweatshirt and inhaled deeply. It took me back to when life was easier.

“Have you been crying?” He placed the flowers on the counter and the chocolates right next to them before he took a step back and grabbed my face. His brows pinched together as he looked over my reddened cheeks and my swollen eyes. I hadn’t cried that muchtodaybut the crying before today was taking a toll on my appearance. Someone at the grocery store had already commented on my lackluster skin and my dull eyes.

I shook my head.

His lips pressed together. “You’re a horrible liar when the evidence is all over your face. What’s going on?”

He pulled me into the living room and onto the couch. I couldn’t even look at the takeout sitting on the coffee table. I knew he would say something when he noticed it. He expected his girl to eat salads. He’d said it on so many occasions, that it was ingrained permanently in my brain.

“I just feel like I don’t have a purpose. What am I supposed to do with myself? I’m so used to having Carina around to sit ina blow-up kiddy pool or to go shopping with in the neighboring town. I feel so lonely.”

He ran a finger down my damp cheek. “You don’t need hobbies.”

I tilted my head at him, confused. “I don’t?”

“No,” He chuckled. “You are going to be too busy for that in a few years.”

“What’s in a few years?”

“I’m sure we will have a few kids by then.”

I wanted to point out that we weren’t even engaged yet but I let him keep talking, maybe it would make me feel better.

“You’ll be a mom, that’s all you need to be.”

There was absolutely nothing wrong with just being a mom, but hearing him say that made me feel funny, and not in a good way. I wanted to be a mother. I knew that, but couldn’t I have an identity too? Couldn’t I have hobbies and things I enjoyed outside of motherhood?

Instead of voicing my thoughts and questions, I nodded. It didn’t matter. I would find a hobby until that day came.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Brian wove his fingers through mine. “I haven’t even proposed yet, but I’m working on it. I want it to be special and a surprise. I don’t want you to think I’m not making plans for our future.”

His words should have excited me. They should have made me feel elated, instead I felt deflated.

Carina calledme later that night after Brian and I finally had sex. I’d fully expected an orgasm, something after all the dirty talk he’d done while I was away. But instead, I was left wanting and disappointed all over again. Once again, my expectations had been too high. I set myself up for failure. After all this time, you’d think I would have learned my lesson.

“It was that bad?”

I fought back another set of tears. I was such a mess. “It was the worst time we’d ever had.”

“What made it so bad?” I cleared my throat and she recovered quickly. “I mean only if you’d like to share. Ace isn’t home tonight, he’s having dinner with his father. It’s boring around here when he’s working. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” I was at least relieved that I wasn’t the only one bored to absolute tears and feeling shitty about it. “What made it so bad was that there was absolutely no foreplay and then boom, bam, bang, he was done. Literally two pumps and it was over. He didn’t touch me, didn’t try to get me off. Just rolled over and was likethanksand left.”

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