Page 45 of One Last Chance

The coffee I had a few hours ago nearly comes up, so I close the app, intending to ignore the reality of it until tomorrow. There’s only so much chaos and distraction my mind can take. Instead, I home in on the work, hoping to get lost in it as I always do.

By the time I arrive home, the house is dark and silent. On the kitchen island I find a covered apple pie with a little post-it on it with a heart from Mom. I smile, but even though I haven’t had anything since lunch, I’m too tired to even think about eating.

Dropping my work bag by the bedroom door, I quietly head to Mac’s room. My body fills with ease and relief at seeing his peaceful sleeping expression. I kneel, petting his little head, and place a kiss on his forehead.

Mina’s door is locked and there’s no light coming from under it, so I just pass by.

The exhaustion really sets in once the bed is in my sight, like my brain goes ‘alright, we’re done for today then’. I throw my jacket on my armchair, undo my tie, and unbutton my shirt.To hell with a shower.

I plug in my phone by the bed and drag my heavy feet to the dresser to get out something to sleep in. Somehow, in the dim room with only a small lamp illuminating it, and my mind already going, I open the wrong drawer and pause.

Who am I kidding? I didn’t open it by accident. At least not consciously.

My chest feels like it’s being enclosed inside an iron maiden. Despite that, there’s a nearly euphoric wave of tranquility that passes through me the moment his scent spills out of the drawer.Hisdrawer.

I chase that feeling, reaching for that stupid pink and yellow shirt with bananas on it, the one he put on after we made a mess of our clothes when he was in heat. As I draw in the prickly, delicious smell of his, I see him sitting on the bed in it and nothing else, looking all embarrassed and shy after the obscenities he told me the night before in the worst of his hormonal mindlessness.

Then, just as volatile as my emotions have been lately, the sensation starts fading away. The feeling escapes me and instead, what’s left is only me. Me, pathetic and desperate, clinging onto a piece of cloth like it is a living being, like it’s Dayton. Like he could still be here with me.

“Dad?” I nearly jump, quickly dropping the shirt back. I turn to Mina cautiously standing in the door, darting her eyes across. “You’re home,” she says, voice low.

I clear my throat and push the drawer to close with my back. “Hey. Why are you still up?” I try my hardest to erase the fact that I was moments from falling apart.

Mina’s eyes, dark in the shadows of the hallway, appear lifeless and cold. She opens her mouth to say something but stops herself. “Just…I need this signed and dropped off at school for the trip on Sunday. I forgot about it yesterday.”

Ah. Another thing that escaped my mind.

“Damn. Sorry, sweetpea. Leave it here, I’ll sign it and drop it off tomorrow before we drive to your mom’s,” I tell her while reaching for the right drawer this time.

“Alright,” she peeps, dropping the paper on the narrow table below the mirror right by the door. “Night.”

“Goodnight,” I say, but by the time I turn, she’s gone. I stand there, staring into the dark hallway, wondering if we will keep drifting further and further away, and how long it will take before we are so far apart there is nothing I could do to pull her back in. The therapy was supposed to help. Make things at least a little better. It hasn’t. Now Mina seems even more isolated and enclosed than ever.

I need to sleep if I want to survive tomorrow with some sanity intact.

With only my sweats on, I drop onto the bed, completely relaxing every tight and aching muscle. Breathing deeply, I close my eyes and hope to fall into the carefree embrace of unconsciousness.

Halfway between sleep and awake, my hand drifts to the side, searching for the familiar comfort. The warmth isn’t there.

I miss you, and I’m so afraid I’ll never stop.

?

If I never had to come to Madisonville ever again, it would still be too early. But here I am. At least Mac is excited. I don’t think he’s actually been here in over a year.

“Let’s see Mom, yeah?” I say with the best fake smile I can muster while turning to him. Seeing his excited grin eases my anxiety a little, at least. Mina avoids my gaze and gets out by herself, heading for the trailer.

I get Mac out and follow. The memory of my last visit here flashes in front of my eyes, the anger that burned inside my chest still as palpable as it was before. I push those feelings aside for the sake of the kids.

“Hello, my love,” I hear Hope’s voice. Mac slips out of my hold and runs toward the trailer’s flimsy door where she’s hugging Mina. She glances up at me, giving me a brief, one could say non-offensive look. “My cheesy Macky Man!” She kneels down, letting him hop into her open arms.I hate when she calls him that. It’s beyond stupid.

“Focus,” I mutter sharply, but quietly. Hope catches me talking to myself. She steps aside for the kids to get in and stands back up, leaning against the door.

“You really came,” she says doubtfully as I come up to her. The kids are already inside, no doubt raiding her special candy cabinet.

I frown and fight with myself to keep my tone calm. “Of course. I said we would.”

Like I am the one constantly canceling plans and not keeping my word.

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