Page 21 of One Last Chance

“What is this?” I hear Mac from my left, where he’s observing some sort of engineering contraption on a shelf next to the table.

“Hey, leave that! That’s Jake’s school work, alright?” Shawn warns him, but his voice gets more relaxed and playful as he’s becoming fully conscious. Mac rolls his eyes and moves on to exploring the rest of the room.

“You look like you had fun last night,” I note in a low tone, so Mac doesn’t hear.

A look of guilt flashes briefly over Shawn’s face, but he quickly hides it with a smirk. “What do you mean?” he asks.

“I know a hangover when I see one,” I say, poking at his forehead, to Shawn’s disdain. Sighing, I stand. “Just don’t do any drugs and keep up with school, please.” I remember being in college like it was yesterday. The freedom, the excitement, all the experimenting… I wouldn’t want to take that away from him, especially knowing Shawn has a good head on his shoulders.

He stretches. “My grades are all good. Don’t worry.”

“You’ve been here for like three months. It would bea littleconcerning if they weren’t,” I note, earning a chuckle from him. As I glance over my shoulder, I see Mac dangerously captivated by going through the plethora of books in one of the bookcases. “Come on, get dressed. Let’s have lunch together before Mac finds something he’s not supposed to.”

Looking at Shawn’s content expression finally warms up my aching heart. I pray Mina will return to her old self soon. If not…at least I still have two children willing to spend time with their old dad.

We end up eating at a nice restaurant just outside the campus. Afterwards, we go to a nearby park, where Mac is more than happy to get some of his energy out by running around kicking leaves and chasing pigeons, while Shawn and I sit on a nearby bench watching, coffees in hand. The warm sun on my face, the birds chirping all around us, and the peace of the whole moment makes me take a deep breath, savoring it fully.

“Where’s Mina, anyway?” Shawn asks in a carefree manner, bursting the bubble of comfort. The moment he glances at me and notices the inevitable shift in my mood, his shoulders tense up.

“She’s with Grandma,” I say, lowering my eyes.

Shawn sighs. “Damn, what’d she do this time?”

“As per usual,” I mutter.

“You really should stop letting her see Mom,” he starts his usual spiel. I get it. I remember being eighteen and thinking I was finally an adult who understood everything.

“Shawn, it’s not as simple,” I say, letting some of my frustration into my voice. “I can’t just prevent her from seeing her own mother.”

He gets visibly more annoyed. “So what? You’re just going to let her whisper hateful shit into Mina’s ear? Dad, I don’t think you really know the absolute crap Mom says when—”

“You sound like your grandmother,” I say with a tired sigh. Shawn presses his lips into a straight line and just stares at me for a moment. I feel horrible for dragging him into it—he’s still my kid. I shouldn’t be using him to deal with my problems. But…it brings me comfort. It feels good knowing the little newborn I held so many years ago has grown up into a well-rounded, smart young man, and that perhaps I had some part in that.

“You have to move on from Mom at some point. She sure did with that fucktard.” Snorting, I flash Shawn a smirk. “What? Not gonna tell me off for swearing now?” He grins.

After last night, I’m definitely not in the mood to defendthat fucktardin any way.

“I just want you to be happy. It’s not fair that Mom’s living her best life in her ignorance and you’re married only to your work. I can tell you’re not one hundred percent. I don’t want you to overwork yourself like Grandpa did.”

I pensively follow Mac with my eyes in the distance as he stalks some poor birds. I’ve been trying to be a good father these past five years. I’ve done my best. But has it been enough? I’ve been distracting myself with work, with doing the best I can for the kids, but perhaps it’s why Mina is drifting further and furtheraway from me. Perhaps they can sense that I’m not the best I could be.

One doesn’t need another person to live a fulfilling, happy life, but I have spent so much of mine next to someone I held dear that I’ve simply grown too used to this warm presence to be able to count on. It feels like I’m broken now that Hope ripped that away from me. I’m a grown man. I should’ve moved on—but I can’t.

“I've been trying,” I say, hanging my head down. I stare at my hands held together between my knees.

“To move on? Well, what’s the problem?”

Your little sister’s scheming. My own vices.

“Dating isn’t as easy when you’re my age and with kids,” I admit with a faint smile. For a second, I wonder if being this open is a good idea, but deep down, I know Shawn is old and smart enough to get it. In principle, at least.

“Have you tried dating apps?”

The expression I give him makes Shawn burst out laughing. “Oh please, spare me,” I mutter, rolling my eyes and leaning back.

“My god,Father,” he says, voice overflowing with that teasing, ridiculous tone like every time he calls me that, “you’re only old because you keep saying it! Stop going on weird-ass blind dates with whoever Gran finds for you and put yourself out there like a normal person. You wouldn’t believe how many of these girls I go to class with swoon over older guys.”

The thought fills me with pure terror. “Shawn!” I scold him playfully. Perhaps he isn’t as mature as to understand the sheer problematic nature of a man like me going after girls nearly half his age. “The dates are not the problem,” I say in a lower voice, noticing that Mac’s vigor in the distance seems to be dissipating. He’ll run back to us soon, wanting a snack and a drink. “Some people your grandmother sets me up with are not even half bad,”I mutter to myself. My mind drifts to Dayton once again, and my heart fills with that heavy, sticky sense of regret.

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