Page 43 of Encounter

Placing the razor on the edge of the sink, I reached into the drawer to get some swabs, disinfectant and band-aids. I knew the drill—wipe away the blood, put some disinfectant on the swab, dab a few times, enjoy the discomfort of it as the very last part of the process, and let it all dry before putting a band-aid on.

Sit... Think... Feel all fuzzy and light.

Begin to realize what you did.

Desperate, I tried to retain the feeling, to rekindle the pulsing sensation passing through my body from the sting of the cut. But it was fading, the moment was gone. I got my minute in paradise and now, I was back on Earth.

I reached for the phone in the pocket of my pants, crumbled around my ankles.

I failed. I failed, and I knew all too well I was going to be way too messed up tomorrow for me to make it to our training session. No way I was able to face Chast in that state.Hell, maybe ever. What would he think, seeing me like this? Knowing about this?

After experiencing combat, a war and god knows what... After killing people and being paid to hurt them, he would have found it pathetic and ridiculous to see someone like me, hurting themselves for no good reason.

I knew my message wouldn’t make Chast happy. He would probably think I gave up, which isn’t far from the truth. I was never going to stop cutting, not after going on for so long. When I was younger, I thought it was a normal thing emotional, weak teenagers did. I was convinced that by nineteen, I was going to be strong and stable enough to not have to do such a thing.

Clearly, that’s not the case.

Now filled with increasing amounts of guilt, I pressed my lips together and I glanced at my thigh.

It waskind ofthe truth...

The response came faster this time.

I clearly sensed the sarcasm from the message. Chast wasn’t buying it. And why did I feel so guilty about canceling? It wasn’t like I owed him anything. It wasn’t like he was going to be disappointed to not have to deal with me.

Frowning, I sucked in my lip and looked around the room. He was probably just trying to help. To motivate me, though I still didn’t understand why he felt like doing so. What Ididunderstand was how I was going to be the next day, and it was nowhere near ready for Chast’s chaotic, intense presence.

Shit. Stop being so nervous. Why are you freaking out?

To try and convince myself I didn’t send the message, I quickly stood, which made me a little light-headed. Before pulling my pants up, I put the band-aid over the cut. Out of sight, out of mind, and away from getting irritated.

Cleaning the mess I made, washing everything and getting rid of the evidence, I avoided my reflection in the mirror and headed to bed. I had to study, but for the moment, all I could do was to listen to some piano music and preferably have a nap.

Expecting it but still reacting with much more intensity than warranted, my body tensed up when the phone buzzed in my hand.

Blinking, I tilted my head and stared at the message. I expected a little more resistance from him, if not discontent. Even though the message was a somewhat distant, impersonal bare minimum, it made me feel warm inside.

Made me feel a little bit lighter.

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