Page 136 of Encounter

“Breathe with me,” she repeated in a melodic voice, exaggerating her own inhales. “Can you describe any chest pain or numbness anywhere in the body? Keep breathing with me.”

“I’m f-fine.” Staggering, I let go of her hand and pressed my palms against the cold wall, focusing on the imperfect, rough texture of it. “I just got a little lightheaded.” Sweat ran down my back, but the rest of my body started to feel familiar again, and the sensation of vomit in the bottom of my stomach spilled away slowly.

“I’d rather take you for an EKG, to make sure there was no cardiac—”

“No need,” I said firmly, shaking my head. Doing my best to collect myself, I pressed my lips together and pushed up the stray hairs that clung onto my wet forehead. “I mean it.”

Her concerned gaze lingered for far too long. Eventually, she released a quiet sigh and stepped away. “Please, make sure to sit down and get some water. Talk to any of the nurses if you need assistance.”

Nodding, I took in a deep breath, successful in suppressing any remaining trembles. My eyes and shoulders turned heavy, but it was nothing serious. Nothing but a little mental hiccup.

The doctor seemed hesitant to leave but eventually did—she had other patients to care for; patients who needed it.

God... Mother and Father won’t let me forget this. They’ll blame me forever, and rightfully so.

Rubbing my forehead, I was forced to finally start thinking about all of the consequences this would have. The gossip, the judgment. Worst of all—I couldn’t imagine Galen facing me again or speaking to me.How was his life ever supposed to be the same after this?

Slowly, I slid down the wall until I sat on the floor, for once not caring about appearing composed. Studying the hand I hit Galen with, I could almost feel the shame clawing its way out of the pit of my stomach.

I did this. And if I didn’t, I was powerless to stop it again.

I thought that forcing him to build a tough outer shell was going to be good for him. The support and understanding I gave to Cheok, the times wasted in therapy, and my every attempt at giving her everything she could have ever wanted only brought death.I thought that meant Mother and Father were right. That I was too soft on her.“Only a soft, weak person could ever think of taking their own life.”

I stared at the ceiling as the numbing sensation of disappointment spread throughout my chest.

If I was a better husband, better person, and Cheok was still here, would she had known what to do? Would she had been able to be a better parent?

I told you I didn’t know how to do this alone.

I tried the way of my parents, hoping Galen would turn out like Henry. Had I been blind to who my child had been this entire time?

I promised you I would take care of him, Cheok... But like Father told me many times—like he told me before you and after—my shine was only made to diminish and erode, never to grow brighter.

How can I fix this, if I can never fix anything?

There weren’t manyother times I’d woken up with a headache like this. The morning after the last night on my first deployment—after celebrating pulling off that impossible mission in the Gaza strip—came to mind. Or maybe the first day home after the crash. But this... this was a whole other beast.

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