Page 113 of Encounter

I tried to focus on Chast and forget about my crumbling life for a moment, but it wasn’t working.

I barely read his message—I barely registered what it said. Instead, a dark cloud hung over my head, casting shadow on me. Gripped with a rattling sense of terror the thought caused, my fingers paused over the digital keyboard and hovered. A part of me pulled me away—away from telling Chast, from getting help—but another was scared, crying out for it.

I knew Chast wouldn’t want me to hurt myself. I didn’t want to do it after being clean for a good few weeks. But the idea crept into my head like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, alluring and charming. It urged me, told me it was the only thing that could make all of this go.

Anyone could come in at any moment. The worst case scenario, Blake could change his mind and come torment me. Wouldn’t be the first time he caught me in the bathroom, or trapped me here with his friends.

My phone started vibrating, Chast’s name displayed as the caller.

Grinding my teeth, I let out a tense sigh and waited a few seconds before finally accepting it.

“I know you said you can’t talk. That’s fine—I’ll talk, aight?” Like a chilling summer breeze, Chast’s calming voice had an instant impact on my body. The muscles cramping and twitching under the weight of my nerves loosened up a little, and my heart eased its erratic pace.

Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths and nodded, even though he couldn’t see me.

“You don’t have to do it if it’s too much, but try to push past the panic. You were so damn excited and proud when you told me about it. ‘member?” Again, I responded with a nod while I pressed my thumb against my bottom lip, rocking as I sat. “You said you weren’t doin’ it for your old man or the prize, but for yourself.”

Goddamn you, Chast. Being reasonable and proving me wrong with my own words.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen? You lose? It wouldn’t take anythin’ from who you are, or how good you are. You know that.”

“I know,” I whispered, listening to every little sound to make sure no one was coming in. Most lectures were already on, so I was lucky to get some privacy.

“I know you do.” He sounded like he was smiling. “Now listen to me—go home, have somethin’ to eat so you don’t get nauseous, and relax. Remember ‘bout the thing I told you yesterday?” Chast’s voice turned more serious.

Nodding, I straightened my back with a motivated inhale.“I remember.”I still found it so damn sweet he researched coping mechanisms for me. Tired to help even if he didn’t fully understand.Now, he took his time to sit down with me to help me through my growing nerves, even though I tried to act brave, and like everything was alright. Had anyone else ever done that for me?

”If I feel like I need to do it... take the thin point marker and draw lines on my thighs instead,” I repeated his words. In all those years, I never thought of researching something like that. I always thought I either had to stop cold turkey or had to deal with it forever, because I trained myself to release my anguish with that horrible habit, there were no other options for me anymore.

“Atta boy.” The image of his proud smirk in my mind relaxed my chest, allowing me to breathe with more ease. “I’ll see you after, OK? Yousureyou don’t want me to be there?”

“I’m alright, really.” I wanted him to be there, but it was too risky. “Dad... He probably won’t come, but in case he does, he could see you.”

Chast stayed quiet for a moment. “Alright. Well, know that... I’ll be thinkin’ ‘bout you.”

I pressed my hands over my chest to stop my heart from jumping out.God, everything was so peachy between us. Ever since we talked, Chast was... really letting himself get close to me. Even showed me this hopelessly romantic, sweet side of him, buried beneath all of those scars, blood, and crudeness.

I loved that part of him. I loved... him.

“You still there?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying to get myself back together. “I’ll be thinking about you, too.”

“I know you will,” he boasted playfully, making me laugh. “Now get your pretty little ass home and relax. That’s an order.”

?

Like underwater, the sounds around me were muffled, distorted. Looking at my trembling hands, I wondered how I was going to be able to play anything.

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