Page 108 of Encounter

“Wh— Did he send you here just to give me this?” I asked with a troubled frown.

Before Mia let go of the textbook, she glanced down at it, pointing at the piece of paper poking out. Smirking, she let go when I widened my eyes, staring at it like it was some holy relic.

Letting out a shaky breath, I squeezed it in my grasp and drew my brows further down. No matter what it said, part of me couldn’t see the possibility of forgiving him, of feeling the same way as before, but at the same time, I wanted things to go back. I wanted to feel loved, and accepted, and to have a place with Chast again. I wanted itsobad.

Nearly forgetting she was still there, I looked up at Mia.

“Listen,” she said in a low voice, stepping closer to me so she could cup the top of my hand. My emotions already fought to take over and wreck me, but her touch calmed the waves. “Chast really scrambled to write this damn letter. Hereallycares. But you don’t have to read it,” she stressed to me.

I narrowed my eyes.Why is she telling me something like that?

“If you do, then no matter what it says, or what you feel, I want you to know that you don’t have to accept his apology, either.” There was a strange wisdom in her hazel eyes—a fiery determination that seemed to fit with a soul much older than how she looked. “Chast means well. He’s been different since he started seein’ you. More… bright. But men like him,” she lowered her voice, “aren’t easy to love. You’re young. I want you to know that whatever baggage Chast has next to the love for you isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to deal with it if it’s too much. He’s good inside, but you are not here to fix him. Don’t feel like you have to.”

Taken back by her harsh, somewhat painful honesty, I met her eyes with mouth hanging open, even more lost as to how I should feel.

I guess the sentiment... could go both way. Have I been placing too much of my baggage on Chast?

She didn’t say anything else. Patting my hand, she let go and walked to the door. “Was nice to meet you,” she noted as she opened it, but her tone sounded as if she was saying ‘I’ll be seeing you’ rather than goodbye.

I stood in the same spot for a few minutes before I finally convinced myself it was real—before I was ready to allow myself to accept that instead of staying in this protective coma where I ignored what happened, I was now faced with something that was going to fix it or ruin it completely.

No matter how much it hurt me, it must have been something that bothered Chast. Something he was afraid to tell me, even over all of the other things in his past he opened up...

I went to my piano and sat on the stool in front of it. Resting the book over my thighs, I remembered the last time I used it—spread out on Chast’s couch studying, while he was in the kitchen, making us dinner.

I was afraid to open it. My hands wouldn’t listen to me, and my heart kept skipping a beat like it was going to stop any minute.Is Chast afraid, too? Is he sitting in his apartment, stressing over what I will say? Wondering if I’ll even contact him again?

Unable to wait any longer, I lifted the first page and took out a few papers folded together.

God, it even smells like him.

With my shaky hand, I touched my name written on top. Chast’s handwriting was exactly how I would’ve imagined it. Heavy-handed and messy. A smile found its way on my face, and I knew I had no choice but to read it. To hear what he had to say.

I’mbadreally not good at these things. Sorry if I don’t make sense.

I know you’re angry and that it’s all my fault. I was a stupid coward. I should’ve told you about her but I worried this would happen. Not much foresight on my part, huh?

I thinkMaybe I didn’t tell you because I never really believed it. I thought I did—that you were some fragment of Lydy—but I only wanted that because I’m still fucked up by it. Still missing her. I don’t know if you can understand... Missing someone for so long and so bad. I know I should be over it, I should be past it—should’ve found my peace with it ages ago. I just never did I guess...I’mI never could move on and when I saw that date and then you called me I subconsciously thought this was my chance.

I said yes because of that. But only in that moment. It wasn’t fair to you.

You don’t have to believe me or care, but I felt guilty whenever I thought about it after that. After getting to know you, I realized you were a thousand times more than that. Than some way for a fucked up guy like me to be happy again. World don’t work like that.

Holding my breath, I had to take a moment to stop, lift my glasses, and wipe away the tears pooling in my eyes because I could barely see the blurred letters.

I can’t tell you how much I want you to know the fault isn’t with you.

Whatever you’re thinking—it ain’t right. You’re not unworthy of anyone loving you, or stupid or annoying. I’m the problem.I wasI thought I’d grown, but this infuriating helplessness I felt as I saw her die stayed with me.

I know how you think I’m strong and nothing can shake me but in reality I’m a pathetic piece of shit. I drifted aimlessly through life all these years, but ever since we’ve been spending time together... I’ve been happy again.

Not because I think you’re Lydy. With you, I don’t have to think about it.I just am.You are next to me and I feel normal, and all I want is for you to be happy. To be the one to make you happy.

You’re not like Lydy. You’re complex, talented and I fucking care about

Sorry for rambling. Sorry for hurting you. You can hate me, but only if that’s what you think is best. If you want this to end, it can. You can live a normal life and you never have to worry about me again. I know you can be loved, happy and confident. You have it in you. You are million times better than you think. Please believe that.

If you don’t want to see me again, I’ll accept it.

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