Page 120 of Encounter

Rolling on my back, I stared into the ceiling, recalling all of the emotions and sensations of the previous night. His voice still lingered at the back of my head, husky and needy. “I love you so much,” it said.

Did he mean it? Or did he only say it in the heat of the moment?

Turning my head so I could see him, I drew my brows together, fighting with myself. Ever since I started ignoring the nagging, fatalistic voice in my head, things had been better.

This... This could’ve never happened by accident.

This could never be just about sex or passion. No one had ever been this patient and understanding with me. Even over that tough exterior, all of his flaws and bloody past, Chast had made me feel like no one before. Saw through me—through all the bullshit and grime.

Sighing, I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, Chast’s squinting, sleepy gaze was aimed at me. “What’s up?” he asked, reaching right for my cheek to brush his thumb over, barely able to reach it.

I smiled and shook my head. “Nothing.” Nothing but my insecurities.

“You seem upset. I’m half asleep, not blind.” Yawning and stretching his arms, Chast lifted himself off the bed and rested against the bed frame next to me. His fingers carefully found their way to my hand and intertwined with it. “Somethin’ hurts?”

I still couldn’t get used to this soft, romantic side of him.“I’m okay, I was just...”Change the subject quick, do not ruin this.“Wondering about these,” I said, running my finger over one of his larger scars spreading over his shoulder. It wasn’t a lie entirely—I’d been curious about how he came to them for a while, but never asked. I was going to ask him about what he said, but later. I wanted to enjoy that vulnerable moment. “Looks painful,” I noted in a low voice.

Chast’s pause caught my attention. Usually, I would’ve expected some quick remark, but he was taking his time—probably still sleepy.“That one wasn’t too bad,” he said finally, and a strange, somber expression overcame his face. “This one, though...” He took my hand and used it to push the blanket down, enough to reveal his muscular stomach, with the ugly looking scar near the bottom of his v-line. “Got shot in Kuwait. Here and my leg. Went straight through, but I thought my guts were gonna spill out.”

There wasn’t the same lightness to his voice as the other times he talked about his work, about killing. This hit differently.

Should I keep going with this? I want to know more.

“So... You joined the army after...?” It felt like I was treading on really thin ice—something I would usually avoid all together—but after the letter and talking it all out, I figured it might help him to open up about this, too—help him move on, accept what happened.

The nostalgic smile he had didn’t reach his eyes.

Chast’s lips smacked together. “Yeah...” Instead of looking at me, he stared at my hand resting over the scar, running circles on the top of it. “First few years in the army, I was like a loose cannon. Unstoppable.” Shivers passed down my spine—caused not by what he said, but how distraught his voice sounded. “All the violence, the killing, state-sanctioned bloodshed... It blissfully blinded me to everythin’ I didn’t want to deal with after Lydy died. It dampened the fire raging inside me—the anger I felt toward the world. But the thing about anger is that eventually, no matter how strong it is, it dies down... And when it did, I was left alone with the horrendous things I did to smother it. And the grief, I guess. I couldn’t escape it. I was stuck.” His eyes were empty until he blinked again and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Chast,” I groaned, resting my face against his chest. “I didn’t want to upset you. This was a stupid idea for a pillow ta—”

“Don’t be,” he said and brought my chin up for a kiss. “I know you’re not... the most comfortable with what I do. So, it might help you understand it better. Maybe make you feel more comfortable around the topic.” The care in his voice tugged on my heart. How was this aboutmeall of the sudden?

“I’ve gotten used to it, really.”

“Just— I’m tryin’ to say that it’s not like it used to be. I used to enjoy the killing—in a way—because it gave me a... release, and distracted me. I was thoughtless and heartless ‘bout it. I still kill people when I need to, but there’s always a reason. It’s always a consequence of somethin’, and as much as I’m good at it, I don’t enjoy it. You know that, right?” Chast darted his eyes over my face, and for the first time, he seemed to be the one who was insecure.

I cupped his cheeks. “You don’t have to convince me you’re a good person. I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled.

He looked down, avoiding my gaze. “Yeah. That worries me a bit,” he admitted with a bitter chuckle.

“Are you always this glum after sex?” I asked, tinting my tone with enough sarcasm for him to understand I was joking and felt horrible about being the one to bring the mood down. Thankfully, I got the laugh I wanted out of him. “Did you... like it?”

Should I bring up him saying ‘love you’? Is this the right moment?

Finally giving me a livelier expression, Chast smirked. “I did. Very much,” he cooed, brushing his lips against mine, seemingly ready to throw the depressing mood behind us. “It was fucking amazing.Youwere,” he whispered into my ear. “I can still hear those moans in my head. Almost makes me wanna go again.”

As he was no doubt about to try and initiate round two, we were interrupted by the buzzing of my phone.

While Chast pulled away with a disgruntled frown, I crawled on the other side of the bed and reached for the pants lying on the floor, wondering who it could be.No one ever calls me, not to mention on Saturday?

“What the hell? Crap,” I blurted out when I saw the caller ID. Dad.

Chast perked up. “What?”

“It’s Dad.” The realization that the world still existed outside of our little oasis of peace made my stomach clench. Why did he have to ruin it for me? “I sent him a message saying I won’t be home when we drove to yours last night, I don’t— Ah, I’ve got to take this.”

Sighing desperately, I sat down on the bed and finally accepted the call.

---