Page 15 of When You Had Me Adapting

“I don’t know. I mean, no. Of course she doesn’t. We were together a long time ago.” Her green eyes flash in my mind and Iquickly try to push them away. “I feel like I’ve worked so hard to reach my goal and I did it. I guess it has me thinking, what now? I love being a photojournalist, but I’m tired of not sleeping in my bed every night. You know?”

“You’ve been running for a while. I wondered when you’d get tired.”

“Running?” I duck under a low limb and continue down the path. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“When you told your mom and me you were going to pursue environmental biology and photography at Georgetown, I was incredibly proud of you. We both were, but your mom always wondered—and I guess I did, too—if you pursued it so you didn’t have to come back and face reality here. So you didn’t have to face Lacey.”

“No, I pursued Georgetown because it was a phenomenal opportunity and without it I wouldn’t have been as successful as I’ve been with my career in the last six years.” My gut tightens as the half lie slips out so easily. While Georgetown was a phenomenal opportunity, I decided to pursue it the night of Lacey’s graduation party.

“And then we lost your mom five years ago,” his voice cracks. “And even though you have the apartment, you never come home.”

“That’s not true,” I snap. “I’m home now, aren’t I?”

My dad stops walking. “I’m not trying to fight with you. That’s not what I’m saying. It feels like you could have gone to school anywhere. You could have chosen to photograph anything and you chose to photograph birds in the middle of the Amazon.”

“Those birds aren’t just any birds.”

“I know and I’m very proud of you. You were the one who said you were tired. I know you love your job. I have accepted that I only get to see you once in a blue moon, but maybe you’refeeling tired because it’s time for something different. It’s okay to not want to do what you’ve been doing. It’s okay to want a change.”

The problem is my dad isn’t wrong. I have spent the last ten years avoiding this place. After my mom died, I tried to come home more for my dad’s sake, but even those visits were few and far between. Too much pain and heartbreak woven into every corner.

“I’ve made you mad and it wasn’t my intention,” he says.

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I want these days. I love my job, but it’s becoming apparent I’ll never have that,” I gesture toward a man and woman holding hands and walking ahead of us, “if I decide to continue.”

“And that’s something you want?”

“With the right person, yes. And before you say something, I don’t mean Lacey.”

He smiles and lets out a chuckle.

“Maybe do some research. You’re good at that. See what jobs are out there. You might be surprised by what you find.”

“I don’t want you to get your hopes up. There might be nothing.”

“I know. Selfishly, I love that you’re even considering being home more, but as your dad I know I can’t make you stay. Trust yourself. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” He pats me across the shoulders.

We continue along the trail for a while longer in silence. The trees are lush with green summer leaves. It’s warm today despite the time and tree cover. Birds chirp and water rushes in the distance. I pause occasionally to take photos of some of the flora and fauna. We pass over small creeks and rocky paths. It’s not a super difficult hike, but a moderate one. The ground is covered with enough roots you have to pay attention to where you’re stepping.

“Do you think you’ll ever settle down again?” I ask.

“Me? I don’t know. Your mom was the center of my universe. I don’t know if I ever could. I’d feel like I was cheating.”

“She’d want you to be happy,” I say.

“She’d want you to be happy too.” My chest tightens and I run my hand over the tattoo on my left forearm. It’s hard to be happy when the one person, who made you the happiest you’ve ever been, wants nothing to do with you.

“I was thinking about going to stop by the cemetery when we’re done here. You want to come?” he asks, his eyes full of hope that I might actually take him up on his offer.

“Oh man, I would, but I have plans. Let’s do it another day?”

“Yeah, okay. Another day.” His face falls into a frown and guilt consumes me.

“We’ll have a beer tower,a large cheese pizza with extra cheese, and an extra large Bruno’s special,” Tanner orders for our table. The waitress smiles, grabs our menus, and walks away towards another table.

“Would you look at her ass?” Tanner says, slapping my arm with the back of his hand and biting down on his knuckle. He leans back, keeping his eye on our waitress’s swaying hips, and almost flips his chair.

“I see you haven’t changed a bit since I’ve been gone.”

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