Page 85 of When You Left Me Speechless

We stop to pick up coffee, but I can’t stomach drinking it. When he reaches out his hand and sets it on my thigh, I immediately shift in my seat, causing him to place his hand back on the steering wheel.

“Poppy…”

“I can’t do this right now. I don’t know what to say or do. I need some time to process what just happened.”

He doesn’t argue with me. Instead, we remain silent most of the short drive home.

He parks outside my apartment and takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry. If I had known…”

Registering what he has just said takes me an extra moment. He continues, “She didn’t see us together. I think it’ll be okay.” His words pull me back into reality. I can feel the tears fill my eyes. I’m quiet for a moment, thinking back to seeing her standing outside the elevator, almost like she was waiting for me to walk out.

“She knows, Logan. She definitely knows. I saw it in her eyes, how she looked back at you and then at me. I mean I was holding a painting with a giant heart on it for Christ’s sake. She told me to tell you it was nice seeing you.”

The tears I have been holding back start to run down my face. I try to control my breath and stop crying, but it’s all too much.

“We don’t know that for sure. And even if she does know, who is to say she will do anything with the information.”

He sounds so defeated. He reaches out to try to grab my hand, and I shake him off again.Breathe in for four. Hold for four. Breathe out.I can feel the walls building back up and surrounding my heart. I know deep down I only have one option.

“The past couple of weeks have been fun.” I hesitate before I continue because I hate myself for what I’m about to say. His eyes stay locked on me, and his face falls like he knows where I’m heading. “I’m so close to finishing school. I can’t risk it not happening. If she goes to the school, which she will because she hates me, it will ruin everything. You will lose your job.”

He shakes his head. I know he’s hurt. I can see it in his eyes. I don’t want to be saying these things, but I have to. He lets out a hard breath. “Don’t say that. Don’t act like the past couple of weeks have been nothing to you. Don’t act like you didn’t feel what I felt. That after last night, you didn’t think about how this could be something more than just sex because I know you did. I saw it when you looked at me and felt it when you kissed me. Don’t push me away because you are scared of what she might say or do.”

My tears fall harder, and I try to stifle the whimpers rising in my throat. “Please don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be. I told you when this began I couldn’t do serious. This was just supposed to be a little stress relief, just sex. I promised myself that a guy wouldn’t get in the way of school again, and now that is a real possibility. I’m sorry. I really am, but I can’t do this anymore. I should go.” My chest tightens, and I try to focus on my breathing.

His face is covered with frustration and sadness. I swear he might cry, and because I can’t see that happen, I open the door, grab my bags, and climb out of the truck. I hesitate when I see the painting, but I don’t take it with me. I don’twant the reminder of what could have been. Closing the truck door behind me, I walk away without giving him the chance to respond. I don’t turn around, and when I reach my door, I hear him back out and drive away.

I walk into my apartment, and it’s empty. I let the door shut behind me. I sink to the floor and begin to sob. I can feel myself losing control. My chest feels tighter, and all the oxygen has left my lungs. My heart feels like it may burst through my chest. My breaths are shallow and quick.

I lay on my back, trying to control my breathing.Breathe, just breathe.My phone rings, but I ignore it. Panic surges through me, and my mind is consumed with the idea that I just ruined everything I have been working towards. All I needed to do was focus on school, and I didn’t. How stupid can I be? I close my eyes and try to fill my lungs with air. Over and over, I take deep breaths and release them slowly.

After a few very long minutes, I regain control of my breathing, but my body is still shaking from the adrenaline. I manage to move to my room and collapse onto my mattress.

I waketo someone crawling into my bed and wrapping their arms around me. I have no idea how long I’ve been out or what time it is. I look over my shoulder to see OIive.

She hugs me tight. “Lacey called me,” she says.

I sit up, adjust my comforter over my lap, and smooth my hands over the soft fabric. I grab my phone and see three missed calls and a handful of texts from Andrea and Nicole.Shit, I was supposed to meet them hours ago.I text them quickly, letting them know I’m alive and not feeling well. I feel a tinge of guilt lying to them about what’s going on, but I don’t really want to talk about it, and I know Andrea won’t leave me alone until I do. My eyes are swollen and dry. I feel exhausted. Olive leans over and turns on the lamp.

“Talk to me, Sis.” She sounds like our mom. Her tone is soft but demanding. She’s worried about me.

“Logan Peterson happened,” I say bluntly. She nods, her eyebrows raising like she already knows where I am going with this, but she lets me continue. “God, I don’t know how to tell you this,” I say honestly.

She hugs me tighter. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

I take a deep breath. “Well, I actually met him before I started at the school, and after pretending like we didn’t know one another and then admitting it but not wanting to admit we liked each other, we started hooking up.” She continues to sit there, not speaking, giving me space to get it all out.

“And well, that was a couple weeks ago, and I thought it wasn’t serious, and we agreed that it was nothing but sex. We had a deal not to let anyone know because of the repercussions we knew it could cause in both of our lives and if I’m honest, it was fun sneaking around with him. But then he surprised me with this romantic date at his apartment yesterday, and I agreed to go. Anyway, a parent who hates me, you remember the one that triggered that panic attack? Well, she was there and saw us leaving, and now I’m terrified she will go to Keller and Beth with it. I really messed up, Sis.”

She hands me some tissues. I blow my nose and continue, “I ended things with him today when he dropped me off. Olive, I feel like total shit about it. It was supposed to be just sex. It was supposed to be casual. Why am I this upset?”

“Because you like him. Shit, I think you might more than like him.” I know she’s right, but I can’t admit it. Admitting I like Logan, admitting I more than like him, is too devastating to think about. So, I argue with her because it’s easier than saying the truth out loud.

“Like him? No, I mean, sure, I like him as a friend, assomeone who blows my mind in bed and has really helped take the stress of school.” That makes her laugh.

“If it were just sex, you wouldn’t be this devastated. Why did you end it?”

“Because if we aren’t together, then maybe, just maybe, his job will be saved. I can’t stomach the idea of him losing the job he loves because of me.” I fall back onto my pillows.

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