Page 78 of The Perfect Love

“Stop doing what?” he asks.

“Deciding what I want.”

His eyes go wide. “I’m not trying to decide what you want. I’m trying to respect you.”

“You are.” I sigh and take his hands. “Look, I know everything about this is colored by how I reacted that first night and what I’ve told you I’m ready for, and while I appreciate your concern and I value your respect, you not giving me the chance to tell you or show you what I want takes my decisions from me. I don’t need you to guess or assume what I want. All I need you to do is respect what I say or the clear signs I give.”

He stares at me for a moment, his face going through a range of expressions, each one too fast for me to read.

Finally, he purses his lips. “Have I been doing that a lot?”

He’s so genuinely concerned it’s adorable. “Not a lot. Here and there. But I don’t want you holding back or acting like I’m fragile. I’m trusting you to respect any boundary I set up. I need you to trust me to know what they are. Can you do that?”

He dips his head. “Yes.”

“Good. Because you wanted to grab my ass when we were kissing, didn’t you?”

His cheeks tinge pink and a crooked smile appears. “Maybe.”

I grab his shirt and tug him closer. “I was waiting for you to do it. Iwantedyou to. Yes, I plan to take things slow when it comes to… sexual stuff. But kissing and getting a little handsy, maybeeven grinding… I’m okay with that. If, for some reason, I’m not, I’ll tell you. So, can you please do whatever feels natural—what you want to do—and trust I’ll be clear if it’s too much?”

“Yes.” His voice is thick and gravelly.

“Good boy.”

He groans a little, making me smile, but he steals the laugh trying to bubble out when he captures my lips in a rough kiss, andfuck. I like this side of him. I can feel it lurking beneath the surface—the rough bossiness and possessiveness. And I want more.

I lean into him and flick my tongue against his lips, begging him to play with me. But he takes it a step farther by shoving his tongue into my mouth and owning it. Then his hands are on my waist again and slipping lower, but just when I think he’s going to squeeze my ass, he grabs it and lifts me up, setting me on the kitchen counter as he rocks into me.

“This good?” he breathes against my lips.

“Perfect.”

I wrap my arms around his neck as he kisses me again. He’s perfectly nestled between my thighs, and that buzzing awareness hits—the underlying current of desire. I want more. In the past, I’d already be going for his shirt or brushing my hand over the bulge in his jeans, but I actively don’t allow myself to do that.

I always used to rush, but with Trevor, I don’t want to do that. Instead I focus on the pressure of his lips against mine, the way he’ll occasionally drag his teeth over my bottom lip, giving me the slightest hint of pain. I savor the little hums of pleasure he makes and how warm his hand is on my thigh. As I let my hands roam, I explore the defined muscles of his back, then lean into him when I feel a different muscle press against my thigh.

Kissing when I know it won’t lead anywhere else is different from anything I’ve done before. I like it. I like the safety of getting lost in him while knowing we won’t cross any lines. Histongue twists around mine, and I almost moan. He feels so good. His chest presses into mine giving my hard nipples the slightest friction, and I let one hand slip down and grab his butt.

He groans against my lips, then breaks the kiss and leans back, panting.

“Sorry. This time I’m stopping for me. Otherwise…” He looks down at his crotch. “I might’ve made a mess, and I’d like to savethathappening until a time when we get to do it together.”

My body flushes at his words.

“I like that idea. And trust me, you weren’t the only one turned on by that.”

My stomach whirls… with excitement. It’s still a new feeling. I haven’t been excited about the possibility of anything sexual since before I was assaulted. Trevor is rapidly changing that, which sets off that voice inside me, telling me I need to be honest about my past. I can’t try to cross any sexual lines with him until I do. I’d be lying if I said fear of crossing those lines is what’s holding me back. I know it’ll be a process for me whenever we step over those lines. It may not be easy, or I could be building it up more in my head. But I know it’ll create a mix of emotions in me, so he has to know.

Falling in trust.

The thing holding me back is how cozy and comforting our relationship is right now. I don’t want to lose that by adding the heaviness of my past to it. But as my therapist said before, I control how that factors in.

Tonight?

I don’t want to.

There’s something else I want to tell him tonight. I’ll do that first. And then sometime over the next few days, we’ll set aside a time to sit down and talk. I’ll tell him everything.

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