Page 68 of The Perfect Love

“Oh wow. Your reaction makes sense—”

“No. You don’t understand.” Tears crest in my eyes. “The school I went to before this—where it happened—was Syracuse.”

“Oh my god. Does Trevor—wait, you don’t think it was him, do you? Because he’d never—”

I shake my head. “I know it wasn’t him. I have a hazy memory of that night because I was drugged, but the guy looked nothing like Trevor. Shaggy blond hair and hazel eyes. He was bigger, too. I think? Either way, I’d trust it wasn’t Trevor, even if I didn’t remember at all.” At least I hope I would. This is all a mindfuck.

“That’s a lot.”

I nod. “It’s… too much. I don’t know what to do with this. Or how to process it.”

“Do you want to leave early? I can let Kristen know.”

That snaps me back to the moment. “No.” Even though I’m barely functioning, I want to be here. “In moments like this, I want to be here more than ever. It gives me back some of my power. Or gives me control.”

She nods, eyes shimmering with tears. “I totally understand.”

“Trevor doesn’t know about any of this yet, so could you please not tell him?”

“This stays between us. I promise. Anything you tell me always will. But the same goes the other way too. If Trevor didn’t tell you about his past with baseball, I shouldn’t say anything more.”

Sarah’s words from the day we met come back to me.

He’s been hurt too.

“I understand.”

I just wish this wasn’t triggering me so much. The idea that Trevor might know the person who assaulted me. I don’t know if I can handle that. It makes me sick to my stomach.

“Whenever you do tell him, he’ll be… I’m not sure what the right word is. He’ll care. He…” She blows out a long breath. “I think he blames himself a little for what happened to me. We were on the dance floor together beforehand, and even though he went to find Hyla and I went to talk to Aaron, he felt responsible when he finally found out.”

I grab her hand this time, and that leads to us pouring out our stories to each other. Both raging for the other. Rae’s story is almost as horrifying as mine, but in a different way. A football player dragged her off the dance floor at a party in high school and forced her to a bedroom guarded by other football players. Men are trash.

Sure, not all men.

But enough men.

More than enough to consider them the problem.

Man vs. bear? I’ll take a bear any day of the week.

Of course, on the flip side of that, there are good ones. My dad and Robbie. From what I’ve seen so far… Trevor. And Rae’s friends, who saved her from the guy who assaulted her. If they hadn’t—if she’d been alone like I was—her story would’ve been too close to mine.

I know there are good guys out there, but there are way too many bad ones.

Which is all the more reason I want to support and empower women. The stronger we are individually, the stronger we are together. And the stronger we are together, the better we can fight back.

But that doesn’t come easily, especially when we have wounds to heal, when we have to bear the consequences of selfish man-children who think they’re entitled to our bodies.

And today, when I have to try to wrap my mind around this new ugly connection Trevor and I have. My stomach roils with nausea thinking of it, and I start to feel panicky again.

I don’t want Trevor tied to this moment in my life, and I don’t know if I can handle it if he somehow is.

Rae heads back out front, giving me a few minutes to myself, and the first thing I do is text my therapist and ask if we can schedule a video session for today. She texts back right away.

Now I just need to make it through several hours of work and two classes.

With all my strength, I push everything down and do what all women have been trained to do since we were young. Plaster on a perfect smile and pretend I’m fine.

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