Page 55 of The Perfect Love

“I played in college too, but after leaving my old school, I kind of gave up on it. I’ve been getting the itch to play again, though.”

“I don’t know if there’s anything around here, but there’s a three-on-three rec league back home over the summer. I usually sign up to be assigned to a team, but we could sign up together as a team if we found a third. If you’re interested.”

She smiles a little sheepishly, and it doesn’t suit her. She seems too confident for that.

“I’d love to. Maybe we could convince one of the girls to join us.”

“Mackie or Hyla might be interested. Or maybe my best friend back home.”

“Well, however it works out, I’m in.” I take a sip of coffee, then we settle into a relaxed conversation.

Mostly, she asks questions about my life, but I try to sneak some in about her life too, and find out she has two older brothers, one who is the bane of her existence and the other who she’s pretty close with.

Once our coffees are gone, we decide to go for a walk and do some window shopping.

Amanda is naturally energetic and her brain is always going. She has another topic to ask about as soon as I’ve finished one, and she has plenty of funny, quippy responses. Conversation flows naturally. She’s surprisingly easy to talk to, but I’m starting to feel like that’s all I’ve done. When I finish saying something about Robbie and our close relationship, I stop her before she can ask something else.

“I feel like all I’ve done is talk about me and my chaotic life. I want to hear about yours.”

She smiles and loops an arm through mine as we stroll down the block.

“Hm, let’s see. I’m twenty. I’ll be twenty-one in January, which tracks because I’m a total type A Capricorn. In case you didn’tcatch on earlier, I’m loyal to the bitter end and would cut a bitch for the people I love. Bring me sushi, coffee, or chocolate and I’ll love you forever. I always wanted to be the girl with the huge found family of friends, and when I met Rae and the girls, I felt like I was coming home. I’m bi and have only had two serious relationships. A girlfriend in high school who I thought loved me but decided she didn’t want to be with another girl, and my boyfriend, who is amazing and kind and who I hate doing distance with, but it’s worth it for our love.”

“Wow. You’re like a total badass when it comes to vulnerability.”

She shrugs one shoulder. “I figure if I open up to other people, maybe they’ll open up to me—or at least know I’m a safe space.”

I let that settle for a moment. That’s what meeting up today has been about.

“Thank you for asking me to hang out today.”

“Thanks for saying yes.”

Something deep inside me awakens. Everything with Amanda has been simple, yet not simple at all. It’s the blossoming of a friendship that goes deeper than hanging out. And it makes me feel stronger. Like I have someone to stand by my side, to catch me when I’m falling. Someone outside my family. Someone who’s choosing me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I don’t think I am. I think this is exactly what we both need. And it’s a reminder for me—or maybe a lesson—of the importance of female friendships.

That’s what I want. Strong female friendships. Not toxic ones. Friendships rooted in vulnerability and support. Where we uplift each other and rely on each other and get each other through the hard times. That’s where our power begins, within our tribe. When we learn to stand together, empower each other, and fight back, that’s how we create change and lead the next generation of women who will do the same.

I’m honored that Amanda and Rae have seen that in me—and in that brief meeting Sarah and Mackenzie did too. I can’t wait for our friendships to grow deeper and take roots, and I’m determined to put in the energy—and the vulnerability—to make that happen.

Trevor

The mixing scents of grass, chalk, and dirt wash over me as I hover at the fence, staring at the field in front of me. The baseball stadium at SUNY FL is about the same size as an exhibition league stadium, but still bigger than usual for a D3 school. However, baseball is big in this area, and with no other teams locally, there’s a surprisingly big local fan base.

I’ve sat in the seats here, watching Joel play and Aaron coach plenty of times over the last couple of years. Why is stepping onto the field so damn hard?

Probably for the same reason I’ve avoided it.

The way it all ties into my memories of my dad. The dreams we dreamed together. My plans, and how it felt to have them ripped away. Aaron encouraged me to explore my options, and I’m glad I decided to be involved with the team. I could never truly let baseball go. I hope one day, I’ll coach my kids’ teams.

But stepping out here today is as much a fresh start as a reminder of what I lost.

And I’m so fucking scared it won’t feel the same.

That I’ll feel that overwhelming grief again. I don’t want that.

I’ve lost enough. Grieved enough.

The guys, who were horsing around on the field, now come to a stop in front of me.

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