Page 182 of The Perfect Love

“Thank you for standing up for her.”

Even if I lost her in the process? Even if I enabled the guy who assaulted her?

He steps back and rests a hand on my shoulder, then he turns to look at my mom. “Call if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Gene.”

Gene walks away, leaving me with my mom and Hyla. Randall must’ve left. Not that I care. The person I care about is leaving, and there’s nothing I can do to stop her.

“Let’s get some shitty drive through food, go to the hotel, and get cleaned up,” Mom says.

She wraps an arm around my back, then Hyla does the same, and together we walk back to the car.

I think we ordered one of everything on the menu at McDonalds, but I’ve barely eaten. Hyla practically force fed me fries before I took a shower. Now I’m sitting here, staring at the cold food on the bed in front of me. There’s a frigid numbness deep inside me, shrouded in white hot flames.

I’m not sure I can say I regret punching DJ, but escalating it to the point I did? When Chelsea realized, we should’ve gonestraight to the police station. That would’ve helped her more. Then maybe she wouldn’t have had to listen to him talk.

Does she think I had any role in what happened to her?

Do I think that?

I try to remember that morning campus police came, but it’s a blip among so many others from Syracuse that I didn’t want to hold on to.

Reaching out with my foot, I drag the trash can over, then sweep all the shitty cold food into it with a growl.

“I would’ve eaten that,” Hyla says playfully, trying to lighten the mood as always.

But I can’t so much as muster a smile.

“Honey,” Mom says, sitting down next to me.

Hyla sits down on my other side as Mom runs her fingers through my hair.

“Talk to us,” Mom whispers.

The coldness inside me grows as I say the only thing I’m thinking right now. “I wish Dad was here.” I choke back a sob, and Mom wraps her arm around me. “Or maybe I don’t. I doubt he’d be proud of me.”

“Yes, he would be,” Hyla says.

“She’s right. You stood up for someone you love. Nothing would make him prouder than that.”

My jaw trembles as I try to hold back the emotion, but I can’t. The dam cracks, and I break.

Hyla and Mom wrap me in a double hug.

“What if I destroyed things with Chelsea? What if she blames me or can’t forgive me? What if I lose her?” I choke on the words between my sobs, but Hyla and Mom only hold me tighter.

“She loves you,” Hyla whispers.

But what the fuck does that even mean? How much can love survive?

What if I put it through too much?

If I played any role in what happened to her—preventing him from being caught—why would she forgive me?

I’d never forgive myself.

I pull my knees up to my chest. Everything hurts and crying only makes it worse, but I can’t stop myself. So, I let go, let Mom and Hyla hold me, even though they aren’t who I need.

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