Page 42 of Beached Wedding

“And that’s what you want? To be alone somewhere unfamiliar? No one wants that unless they’re hiding from the law.”

“Well, Iwantedto be married, didn’t I? That’s not a dig,” I added in a mutter, bracing my elbows on either side of my plate, holding my heavy head. “Getting married was a dumb idea. I see that now.”

After a stunned silence, he asked, “Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know. Yes. If I was only doing it for the sake of doing it, then yes. Will you please put that away so I won’t stress about it?” I nodded at the ring.

He carried it into the room and I heard the Velcro on his wallet tear.

When he came back out again, I picked up my fork, but only pushed my scrambled eggs around without eating any. “I keep thinking about something Mom said last night.”

“When she pulled you by the ear into the kitchen?” He sat back down. “I wondered if I should ask about that.”

“She wasn’t really mad.”

“Just disappointed?”

“Pretty much. She said that she’s tried all her life to show us that a woman doesn’t need a man to survive so she doesn’t understand why I hitched my wagon to one. Maybe she could see that Shane and I weren’t lovestruck enough to justify a complete change of life. Maybe that’s why she wasn’t supportive of what I was doing.”

Mom knew how to be supportive. She’d encouraged me when I’d started college and had offered to help financially if I wanted to finish my degree.

“I don’t want to knock her because she made a lot of sacrifices for us,” I continued. “But she’s independent to a fault. I don’t think she’s dated once since the divorce. If she has, it’s been on the down-low. And she quietly puts on us this guilt trip that we’ve held her back from pursuing her own life. She didn’t want either of us to move out, though. Even though it allowed her to sell the house and buy a condo with a mortgage that was more affordable. She’s finally making progress financially, putting away money for retirement, after years of struggle.”

“That’s good.”

“I know. But I think she’s afraid to get involved with someone in case they try to take that from her. Anytime we suggest she set up a dating profile, she says, ‘I have you girls.’ I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t have companionship. And I don’t want to be her only source of companionship. Just becauseshedoesn’t want a man or sex doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. Or does it? Am I rationalizing being selfish?”

“Wow. I’m going to need more coffee to tackle that.” He poured a fresh cup and blew across it. Drank a little and set down his cup. “Promoting abstinence is one of those things that looks great on paper and proves largely ineffective in real life. Sex remains popular.”

I found myself wondering exactly how much sex Fox liked. The normal amount? More? Aside from Jasmine, he’d never brought anyone else home and had mostly come home every night. On the few occasions when he hadn’t, I hadn’t quizzed him and he’d usually offered an excuse like having had too much to drink so he had slept on a friend’s couch.

“Unless your mother is suggesting you engage in casual sex, your only option is to allow someone into your life on a more permanent basis,” he said.

“Exactly! It’s not like I don’t know how to live alone. I can pay my bills and unplug a sink when it backs up. But after a few years of that, it was kind of nice when Whit and Fliss moved in. I liked having someone to come home to. I know how to tell a guy I’m not interested without needing a ring as a repelling device, but maybe Mom had a point that I was marrying because it’s what I thought I was supposed to want. I’m twenty-six. This is when you’re supposed to get your act together, right? Getting married and moving to the other side of the world made me feel like I was taking charge of my future instead of just existing.”

“Twenty-six,” he scoffed with a shake of his head. “Such a baby. Definitely too young to marry.”

“You’re thirty-two.Suchan old man.” I rolled her eyes at him. “What if marriage is something I want, though? Is that a bad aspiration? Doyouwant a wife? Or is Mom right and tying yourself to a man is an outdated institution that subjugates women?”

“This discussion feels way above my pay grade.”

“Coward.” I stabbed the sausage he’d given me, not bothering to cut it. I held it on my fork and bit the tip off, chewed and swallowed. “But if I don’t want to marry and have kids—if my Mom says I’m notallowedto want that—what do I want? That is the crisis I’m in.”

“Ah, you’re in pre-life crisis. Been there.”

“That’s exactly what this is.” I nodded. “I don’t know what I want, but I’m pretty sure I’d like children at some point. The clock is ticking, though. Anything I want to accomplish should be done now before I have them.” I set down the sausage and sat back. “And doesn’t that sound like I’m eager to live a spontaneous life?Pfff.” I sipped my coffee, disgusted withmyself. “But I saw how having Fliss put a kink in Whit’s life. Sure, she could have become a lawyer if that’s what she really wanted, but she was starting from further back and would have had to fight harder than someone without kids. I should take advantage of the advantage I have, right?”

“Did you and Shane talk about having kids?”

“Didyou?” I tried to keep a straight face, but mirth bubbled up against my best efforts. There was a running joke amongst their friend group that Shane and Fox were an old married couple since they’d been living together for a decade.

“No.” Fox gave her a pithy look. “He’s always been concerned about losing his figure.”

“He’s not even here to defend himself!” But I giggled more, before admitting, “Shane was very much on the fence. I get why he was wary, but I thought I could talk him round.” Was that the way it should be, though? One partner badgering the other into becoming a parent? It ought to be something both wanted from the outset.

“You have to be on the same page about kids or you’re doomed,” Fox said as though voicing my thoughts. “We’re all sold a story on how fulfilling family life is, but I know for a fact that Gary didn’t have his eyes open when he proposed to Vicky. He thought he was rescuing her and manning up. He didn’t have any idea what he was really in for.”

“Which was?” I wanted to hear more about his family.

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