Page 189 of Heat of the Everflame

Why he had been so fixated on getting back to Lumnos. Why he wouldn’t let me touch him or see him unclothed. Why he got so furious every time I risked my life for him or anyone else.

It should have been me,he’d yelled.

Will you ever forgive me?he’d asked.

We don’t have enough time,he’d pleaded.

Everything slotted into its proper place, a cruel puzzle whose image was forming before my eyes.

There were so many signs.So many. His moodiness, his fatigue. His pale, hot skin. His inability to sleep. I was supposed to be a healer—how could I miss what was right under my nose?

“How?” I choked, the only word I could get out.

“In Arboros, when Vance found us. After you and—” He stopped. “Just after Taran was hurt.”

After I fled.

Alixe and I had left them behind to run to safety. If I had stayed, if I had fought with them...

“Stop,” he snapped. “You’re blaming yourself. I can see it on your face.”

“But... in Ignios, I asked if you were hurt, and you said—”

Is it right to lie to someone you love when you know death is coming? To let them believe the future might stretch on forever, when you know your time left together is far shorter? Or is that adding cruelty to tragedy?

A visceral sorrow tore through my soul. It wasn’t Taran’s heart he had been trying to protect—it wasmine.

I gingerly pulled away his bandages and let out a broken cry at what I saw. The wound was rank and festering, the flesh grey at its center, and it reeked with a putrid smell. A slurry of crimson blood and dark poison oozed down his side.

I forced off the rest of his jacket and yanked his gloves away, and another sob slipped out. The black tangle of veins had spread down his arms and wrapped around his fingers. The only skin untouched by the poison’s reach was the spot above his heart—the same patch his scar had mysteriously missed.

I placed my palm over it as my tears turned the world watery and bleak. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He laid his hand over mine and closed his eyes. Calm settled over him for the first time in days, and I realized how much keeping this secret had taken out of him.

“I almost did, so many times. But then you would smile at me or laugh at Taran, and I knew once I told you, I would never see you happy again.” His voice turned rough. “That was more than I could take.”

I crumpled over him beneath the crushing weight of my anguish. He was right—smiling, laughing, it all now felt foreign. Something I’d done once upon a time, but not now. Not ever again.

No, I yelled at myself.You can’t let this happen. You’re a healer—sohealhim.

I sat up and angrily swiped my tears away. “We’ll figure this out. I fixed Taran. I’ll fix you, too.”

“My wounds were deeper than his,” he said gently. “Before we made it to Mortal City in Ignios, the toxin already covered my chest.”

“My poultice can still draw out the poison. It might take longer, but—”

“I’ve been using your poultice. I took what was leftover each time you made it for Taran.”

“Maybe it wasn’t enough—I can make more.”

“I did make more. I watched you to learn how, then I stole your ingredients and made a larger batch. It didn’t work.”

“Then you did it wrong!” I shouted.

He didn’t flinch or react. He watched me, ever patient, ever calm.

I shook my head, desperate to deny the truth written in his grief-dulled eyes. “I’ll go down to the market. Maybe they’ll have something stronger. Or... or I’ll get a healer. There must be—”

---