Page 187 of Heat of the Everflame

Again, a dark foreboding shivered over my skin. This was alarmingly unlike him. Luther was always organized, controlled to a fault. There wasn’t a single thing about him anyone could ever callmessy. Everything he did had purpose. But this—it wasn’t even a mess.

It was more like he’d... given up.

He reached down to grab a bowl that had fallen, but halfway to the ground he stopped, swaying on his feet. He gripped the edge of the table.

I hurried over and picked it up. “There’s no need to tidy on my behalf.”

He pushed himself to his feet with noticeable effort, turning quickly to face me. “I’m not normally so...”

“I know,” I rushed out, hating the shame on his face. “I think this journey has pushed us all to our limits.”

He nodded and said no more, and for a long moment, we bathed in the quiet calm of the midnight silence. Our eyes locked, saying so much without uttering a word.

“We need to talk,” I murmured.

He sighed slowly, then nodded. “Yes, Diem. We do.”

“And I know there’s a better time and place for it than right here and right now, but I can’t wait. This... whatever this is, it’s killing me.”

He flinched, then nodded again.

“You’ve been different this past week.” I stepped closer. “In Arboros, despite everything going on, you and I—it felt... good. Right. But after you told me about the compass, everything changed. You started pulling away.”

His back straightened. “Is that what you think this is about?”

“I thought you were worried about Taran, and then I thought you were angry with me, then I thought maybe your feelings had changed, and you were just too kind to say so.”

“Diem...”

“You said you wanted me, but every time I got close, it was like you were afraid of me. And then today—”

“What you saw,” he growled, “it wasn’t what it looked like.”

“Are you sure? Because what it looked like is you keeping a secret from me, either because you’re trying to protect me or you’re afraid of my reaction. Is that true?”

He looked down, the muscles on his throat straining as he struggled for words. “Yes,” he said finally, and I winced. “But not for the reason you think.”

“You know how I feel about secrets, Luther. We promised each other honesty. I know I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve at least beentrying.”

“I know.” His arm shook, and I realized he was leaning his entire weight against the table. “I never intended to keep it from you. I only wanted to wait until we were back in Lumnos. But it can’t wait—not anymore.”

“Yes, it can.”

He looked up, frowning.

“Itcanwait. In fact, you don’t have to tell me at all. Because it doesn’t matter. I’ve thought through every possible explanation you could have, the most innocent and the most unforgivable, and none of it changes the decision I’ve made.” I steeled my shoulders. “No explanation you give me will change how I feel.”

He looked stricken. Devastated. “I understand,” he said quietly. “Whatever you’ve decided, I accept it, but before you say anything, there’s something you should know.”

“No. I need to get this out first.”

“Please, Diem, let me explain—”

“I have trusted you from the very beginning, Luther. For reasons I can’t begin to understand. Even when I despised you for what I thought you did to my mother, something inside me still wanted to believe in you. I think because...” I sighed. “You made me feel safe. You protected me in every way you could. Not just my body, but my heart, my happiness—you were always guarding them, right from the start. Even when we were fighting, I always feltseenby you. Heard by you. Understood, in a way no one else ever has, even the people who have known me all my life. You’re the first person that made me think about the future in a way that excited me. You gave mehope.”

His features warped in agony, every word a harsher blow. The cracks in my broken heart fissured deeper, threatening to shatter me completely.

“But lately,” I said, “it feels like that hope is gone. Like you’ve left it behind. Leftmebehind.” I took a deep breath and lookeddown as my nerves began to rattle. “Maybe that’s my fault. I know I’ve made mistakes. In Ignios, I never should have—”

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