Page 103 of Spark of the Everflame

My muscles locked up. The shred of self-worth I’d been basking in from the afterglow of his compliments vanished in an instant, replaced by the icy grip of dread. “Henri... we only just slept together again. We’re not even courting. We barely... I mean, this is still so new, and—”

“New?” He laughed and shook his head. “Diem, I shouldn’t have to court you for you to know how I feel about you. We’ve been together for damn near two decades.”

“Asfriends—”

“And what we have now could be so much more than friendship. Something better—don’t you agree?”

I couldn’t stop blinking, couldn’t stop stammering. Henri’s thumb was tracing a path beneath my ear, over and over. My mind couldn’t focus on anything but that movement, imagining my skin eroding slowly until it was bleeding and raw.

To be a wife—to be relegated to a man’s side instead of standing on my own, to abandon myself and my own goals in service of a husband’s authority and a wife’s duty. It was the life expected of most women in Mortal City.

Silence. Obedience. Sacrifice.

The idea of it pressed in on me like a clenching fist. Surely Henri did not want that kind of marriage. Surely he would never expect that of me—would he?

“You know me better than anyone,” he said, “and I know you. Yes, the last year has been a little... rocky, but you and I—we’re meant to be. The Old Gods brought us together for a reason.”

I looked down, unable to stomach the tender optimism in his bright, gleaming eyes.

“Henri,” I whispered, swallowing. “This is a really big step.”

“But it’s a good step. You could move in with me and my father. And after the Guardians win the war, you could stop working and stay home so we could start a family. You would be such an incredible mother.”

It was the wrong thing to say.

I reared back violently. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but this... I was not ready for this. And if this was the life he wanted—I might not ever be.

Fight.

That Flamingvoice.Nowit finally decided to rear its ugly head?

“Let me think about it,” I managed to choke out. I arranged my lips into a tight, placating smile. “It’s an important decision. Can you give me some time?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Take all the time you need. I want you to feel as good about this as I do.” He pulled me in for a quick, firm kiss, and for the first time, his lips felt wrong against mine. “This is our destiny, Diem. This is where we’re meant to be. I just know it.”

Henri walked me home, beaming the entire way like I’d given him the fervent yes I knew he deeply desired. I buried the growing disquiet in my soul down, down, down, as far as I could dig.

Maybe I could do this.

Maybe I just needed time.

Maybe.

ChapterTwenty-Two

Maura stayed true to her word. Over the next few weeks, the palace called for a healer several times, and despite my promises to behave, she forbade me from taking the job.

Instead, she continued to handle all visits with the royal family herself, occasionally accompanied by Lana.

My silent tension with Lana had reached a fever pitch. Neither of us could look the other in the eye, and we bumbled around each other so awkwardly at the center that we’d begun to catch curious stares from the other trainees. What they suspected, I had no idea, but the truth was that looking at Lana felt like looking at a reflection of myself I was too ashamed to accept.

Every time she and Maura walked in from a call to the palace, I stood paralyzed in fear that they would bring news of a rebel attack using the secret entrance I’d revealed. The scenario played out in my head every night as I lay tossing and turning on my pillow.

They got in through the opening in the gardens, Maura would say.They slaughtered the children in their own beds. Those poor babes never had a chance. What kind of monster would take part in such a thing?

Had I been smarter—and braver—I might have pulled Lana aside and warned her, or at least confessed my guilt at bringing the Guardians into our world. We’d never been close, due mostly to my own petty jealousy. Lana was the kind of petite, doe-eyed blonde who captured every man’s eye and left me feeling perpetually insecure about being tall, muscular, and brash in every way.

But those issues were all my own. Lana was kind-hearted, and she was the only person who might understand the burden I now carried on my shoulders. From her very un-Lana-like somberness whenever she returned from a visit to the Descended, I wondered if that was a war she was waging in her heart, too.

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