Page 1 of The Quiet Smile

Chapter 1

Amelia

I was never one to be jealous of someone else’s happiness but as I sat watching my best friend be completely in love with her husband that was exactly what I felt. Taking a deep calming breath I diverted my eyes and took a long drink of my soda. I couldn’t be happier for Leilani and Nikandr but I was also drowning in my loneliness.

That deep-seated emotion was a constant companion. With my disabilities, feeling like I was on the outside looking in was normal. Being unable to speak or even read and write properly made it hard for me to enjoy going out with people. It was hard to have a normal conversation with someone who could only use body language or hand signals to answer.

Leilani took it upon herself to learn sign language with me while we were kids. It meant the world to me that someone cared that much. Now that we were adults though, I hated feeling like I was somehow her responsibility because I was so limited in my ability to communicate with the world.

When I wasn’t with Leilani, technology was my best friend. Thanks to innovative apps, I could scan words with my phone and have what it said, spoken to me via an earbud, or had it speak for me. I found many of the apps to be embarrassing so I didn’t use them. My therapist said I needed to let go of my pride and accept the help. I was working on that but hadn’t managed it yet.

Sensing eyes on me, I turned to see Nikandr alone and looking at me. Blushing lightly, I smiled at him. “Leilani went to the ladies' room. So, um, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been trying to learn sign language. It’s not at all easy but hopefully, you’ll be patient with me.”

I nodded and gave him another smile. Nik was being kind like he always was. He accepted me in Leilani’s life as a given and the fact that he wanted to learn to speak with me through sign language was incredibly sweet.

As his words sunk in, I had to fight back tears. I just wanted to be normal and hold a simple conversation without someone having to learn a new language. Taking a deep breath in to calm my inner turmoil, I was able to keep the tears at bay. Placing my hand on my heart I looked back at Nik and smiled at him.

“I know how hard surviving is for a person without your challenges. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.”

I frowned at his words. Did he pity me? Is that what he was saying? I didn’t need or want anyone's pity.

Nik sighed heavily as he ran his hand through his hair. “That came out better in my head. Let me start over. I know how much Lei loves you. You are her family and that makes you my family. If you ever need anything, please let me know.”

That was the problem. How was I supposed to let him know? With my mood in such a dark place I decided to just smile and nod at him. While we waited for Lei to come back, the conversation just stopped and became awkward. I was so relieved when the waitress showed up. Using the method of pointing at a picture, I was able to order some food.

After the waitress left, Nik tried again. “Lei says you can talk but because of something called apraxia, you struggle with being understood.”

I nodded at him as I took another drink. As I tried to figure out a way to communicate with Nik, Lei returned and I quickly signed to her, “Please explain why I am the way I am to Nik.”

Leilani smiled and nodded before looking at Nikandr. “Ame’s wants me to give a bit of an explanation to you. You see her father was fond of beating her mother while she was pregnant with Ame, particularly in her belly. When a child’s brain is forming, any kind of trauma can cause untold damage to the baby.”

As I listened to Lei and kept my eyes down I thought about how once again I was always glad he died before I was born. I hated the man and how he destroyed my life before I even had a chance. Momma did her best for me, but my struggles weren’t easy for her. She felt a lot of guilt. That guilt and subsequent depression led to her drinking. She wasn’t an ugly drunk, she was just sad all of the time so she ended up spending most of her time in her bedroom until she couldn’t take it any longer.

“Amelia’s mom always made sure the schools she attended helped her as best they could.”

“Is the asshole still a problem?” The look on Nik’s face was dark and angry.

The idea that this guy felt protective over me brought a small smile to my face. Shaking my head, I signed, “He died before I was born.”

Nik looked at me as Lei translated and nodded. “Good riddance.” I didn’t see pity in his eyes but I knew it was there, it always was. “You shouldn’t give up talking. The more you practice, the better it’ll get.”

I shrugged at his words and turned my attention to the waitress who was bringing us our food.

“I saw the other day that there was this app where you could type in what you wanted to say and it would say it in multiple languages,” Nik added.

I quickly looked at Leilani and she gave me a subtle nod. “The thing is Nik, it’s not just her speech. When the language center of her brain received trauma she developed a phonological impairment. She has no issue understanding spoken words but connecting spoken words to written words is where her brain struggles.”

Before I even realized what I was doing I started to quickly sign to Leilani. “Tell him I use apps that will read the words and say them to me using a discreet earbud.”

Nik chuckled as he looked at me. “Your fingers absolutely flew while signing. I don’t think I’ll ever be at your level.”

“She’s also the queen of emojis. This girl can say more in four emojis than a teen.”

My subsequent giggle as I smacked Lei’s arm brought a laugh out of Nik.

“I wish Daniil would have joined us this evening. He’s a master of languages. He speaks a half dozen and understands even more.”

I blushed as I thought about Nik’s brother. I’d had a crush on Daniil ever since I first saw him in school. He never knew I existed but I enjoyed just watching him. His movements always reminded me of a graceful feline, like a panther or tiger. Looking at Nik I smiled as I pointed at me, and then pointed at my temple, and then finally at Nik.

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