Page 39 of Kept

I put the finishing words on my article and looked up at Mom. For a moment I wanted to askwhich friends?despite the fact that I’d just been looking at Rachelle’s name, because the only ones on my mind were the ones who were hot and cold by turns.

Mom was chopping vegetables for a roast at the counter. With Dana coming by three times a day to ensure she was cared for as much as possible, some of the slouch had left her shoulders. I hadn’t realized that she’d felt just as guilty as I had.

Guilt that she needed help doing so many small things when I had homework that needed to be done, while I felt guilt for not feeling like I was doing enough to care for her. Guilt that she needed accompaniment in the taxis to Mulholland, and for my part, even more guilt that I was always so late and every minute I spent after hours at school cut into the minutes I had left with her.

Mom had kissed my forehead when I’d come home the previous night and told me not put my life on hold for hers when I’d apologized for being home so late, but I couldn’t leave her behind, and there was still a faint flush of shame when I thought about what I was really doing there; stripping naked, in person and on camera, to ensure we had this help.

But no matter how it happened, I was just grateful we had it.

“Rachelle and Sean,” she prodded.

I saved my article and flashed her a smile. “Sure, I’ll see if they’d like to. Tonight?”

Roses of color had bloomed in Mom’s cheeks, and it wasn’t the fever-sick flush of illness but actual happiness. “If they’ll agree. I’d like to see the company you’ve got here, dear.”

I really doubt it.

“I’ll text them. Just tell me what you need me to do.” I typed quick messages to Rachelle and Sean, not really expecting an answer, but my phone chimed within five minutes. Rachelle sent me a selfie with paintbrushes stuck up her nostrils and a resoundingY E Sbeneath. Sean’s reply was an order of magnitude more sedate, but eager.

“Company’s on,” I said, trying to match Mom’s cheerfulness. I found the box in one of the lower cabinets that still had our old but nice dinnerware packed away in it and began washing up.

They showed up a quarter to five. Rachelle had a bottle of wine tucked under one arm, and Sean held a bouquet of daisies.

“The fun has arrived,” Rachelle announced, storming past me. She stopped dead when Mom came out of the kitchen to greet her.

Usually Mom wore her more sedate wigs- brown and blonde- when she needed to be around others, but tonight she’d opted to wear a baby’s breath pink bob, which told me all I needed to know about her emotional state. She only wore pink when she felt like she was glowing. “You must be Rachelle,” she said. She peered around her shoulder. “Pleasure to meet you, Sean.”

Rachelle’s smile widened. “I think we’ll beverygood friends, Mrs. Fawkes.”

Baby Blue and Baby Pink immediately hustled to the kitchen together, and I was left standing there with Sean. He looked down at the bouquet in his hands and handed it to me.

“Thanks for having us over,” he said, looking at the floor. “Rachelle was stoked to finally meet your mom.”

“Thanks, Sean.” I led him into the kitchen and rustled up a vase from the cabinet. He stood awkwardly at my shoulder as I trimmed the stems and fluffed the daisies in the vase, doing our best to avoid Mom and Rachelle’s dinner prep.

I hadn’t realized my blue-haired friend enjoyed cooking so much, but she was already pulling Grandma Fawkes’ recipe for gravy out of Mom, and ten minutes later the tiny table was loaded down with all the old family recipes. We had to cram together to fit at the table, but no one cared.

Mom really was glowing, back in her element. There were few things she loved more than to take care of people, and I knew she’d been sick and tired of being the one needing care.

For a little bit, I even forgot about my own troubles. Sitting around a table watching Rachelle joke with Mom made my blackmailed arrangement seem distant, almost like it was happening to a Jane on another planet. The normalcy of this reality didn’t gel with that one.

Towards the end of dinner, I was caught off-guard by a change in topic and nearly choked on a bite of roast when Rachelle cast me a cheeky look and raised an eyebrow at Mom. “I’m fostering a theory that Jane has a secret boyfriend.”

Sean looked at me across the table, and I managed to look anywhere but at his face. It took every drop of willpower to keep the guilt from my face. “When would I even have time for a boyfriend?”Let alone three, but they’re definitely not boyfriends in any sense of the word.“Schoolwork and the library gig take up all my time.”

“A woman is capable of moving heaven and earth when it comes to getting laid by the right guy,” Rachelle intoned, and I thought I saw a dark look flash across Sean’s features.

If I’d thought Mom was going to come to my defense, I was sadly mistaken. She was Rachelle’s new bosom buddy. “Is that right, Jane?” For a moment, I regretted introducing them.

“The only thing I’m moving right now is my grades,” I muttered, and Sean laid his fork on his plate.

“Are yousureabout that?” Rachelle asked, drawing out the word. “Or does your hair get all rumpled from the allergies, too?”

Oh, fuck.

“Jane, you don’t have any allergies,” Mom said in puzzlement, just as Sean rose from the table and excused himself to the restroom.

So dinner was a mistake. Let it be known henceforth that friend and family gatherings were officially off the table.

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