Page 74 of Between Smoke and Shadow

I want to lose control, almost as much as I wantherto lose control. Even if it’s only for the night, I want her to forget titles and consequences.Just be here,I want to say.Just let me make you feel good.

She moans, and the sound shoots straight to my cock. I drop her onto her bed, crawling over her, covering her body with mine. I break away from her mouth, laying kisses across her jaw and down the column of her throat. Her fingers dig into the back of my shoulders, as if silently urging me forward.More,her touch says, give me more.

My body is corded with tension. I’m imagining my cock buried inside her, the way her eyes would roll back when I made her come. I want to taste every inch of her and listen to her breathy noises when my mouth is elsewhere.

I’ve kissed a lot of women.Fuckeda lot of women. But I’ve never felt this strange mixture of lust and longing anddetermination that I do now. Even more than I’m chasing my own release, I’m chasinghers. I want her to enjoy this. To crave it. To craveme.

It’s latewhen I finally leave Rune and arrive at my quarters. Regardless of everything I’ve read and everything that’s been beaten into my head since I was born, nights like tonight remind me why therehasto be a way for us to be together. Losing my place as heir will only help. Mother and the Committee might not approve of me marrying a low-class commoner, a criminal servant at that. But so long as I’m not making her queen, I think they’ll get over it.

Ihope.

I push into my room, more surprised than I should be to find Tora once again on my bed. She’s sorting through a gigantic pile of rings, all varying shades of red, that she must have brought with her. With a quick glance in my direction, she continues sorting, her mouth furrowed into an unpleasant grimace.

“Where have you been?” she asks. It comes out more as a grunt, punctuated by the sound of one ring falling amongst others. She grabs one with a black metal band and an exaggerated red stone, shaped like a bolt of lightning. Scoffing, as if personally affronted by its design, Tora adds it to the pile of discards.

“Why are you here?” I counter. I already know, but the sooner I can get her off the subject of my whereabouts and onto whatever wedding anxietyshehas, the better.

Rather than answering, she only glances at me, eyes hardening. Then she’s back to sorting.

“Do you know what he said when I asked about a ring?” she asks, not elaborating and not needing to. She inspects the next one, a smaller ring with multiple oval-shaped stones. It follows the lightning bolt atrocity before Tora pauses. Her fingers twitch in her lap as she looks at me. “He said I should just pick whichever one I liked best. Said he didn’t have a preference.”

“You want him to decide for you?” I ask. I try to be gentle with the question, but even I can hear the judgment in my voice. When Tora’s glare deepens, I drop any act of subtlety and shrug. “Why would you want him to pick? I thought you didn’t like him anyway.”

“He’s going to be my husband, Harrick,” she says, working her jaw. I wonder how long she’s been here, if she settled on my bed at about the same time I settled on Rune’s.

“So you want him to tell you?—”

“No,” she snaps. A heated blush spreads over her face, darkening her golden skin. “I don’t want Nordan to tell me what to wear or what ring to choose. I just…I want him tocare. I want him to act like this matters. It’s a business transaction—trust me, I understand. But it’s also a marriage. It’s going to be miserable if…if he doesn’t…”

She trails off, watery eyes moving back to the rings. With her lip between her teeth, she squints at the next option. Her breath quickens, like she’s about to start sobbing.

Suddenly, my mind feels far less electric and far more exhausted. My sister can have that effect on me.

“It’s stupid, but I want Nordan to care about me and I want to care about him. Even if it’s forced, it can be good. Right?”

I don’t let myself respond, because I can’t lie. I can’t tell Tora that I believe a marriage can be forcedandgood. Forced is scratchy sleeves and false laughter, pretty lies and hideous truths. Good is terrified bravery and earned smiles, trusting eyes and soft whispers.

“I suppose I could always try to break my betrothal too,” she says, sighing. She leans against my overstuffed pillows, finally abandoning the mounds of jewelry. “How’s that going, by the way? Have you been stripped of your title yet?”

“Pretty sure they did thatbeforeI broke my betrothal,” I say, earning a tiny smile.

I sit at the foot of the bed and pick through Tora’s rings. A few are nice, but most are gaudy and bulky. I grab a delicate ring with an oval-shaped stone. Without permission, I imagine this ring on a certain servant’s finger.

“Thinking about Viana?” asks Tora. Her voice is soft, hesitant. “You never told me why you ended things with her. You can talk to me, you know. If you’ve changed your mind?—”

“I despise that woman,” I say with a stiff laugh. I rotate the ring between my fingers. “I don’t regret breaking my betrothal. I only wish I did it sooner.”

“Are you going to ask for a new match?” Tora asks. “Maybe you should approach them with a suggestion in mind. You always did like Gielle Fosfen.”

“I’ve fallen in love,” I tell her. I’m not sure why I do, only that the truth spills from my lips like overflowing water. The confession eases the pressure in my chest. My feelings for Rune have built so strong, so quickly, I haven’t known what to do with them. I haven’t wanted to admit them out loud, not even to myself, terrified what they mean and what happens if this all falls apart.

I know better than to talk about Rune with anyone, even Tora. It’s dangerous and stupid, and yet, I can’t take it anymore. I want everyone to know. Maybe the sooner it’s out in the open, the sooner I can have her on a throne beside me.

“You’re…what?” Tora asks. Her jaw is slack as she leans toward me. “With whom? Since when? If you’re messing with me?—”

“I’m not,” I say, though surely she already knows that.

“Wow.” She twists her hair over her shoulder, looking at me with an unfamiliar expression. “Is she why you ended your betrothal?”

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