Page 73 of Blue

I didn’t remember the first time I’d come to the rooftop. I only remembered the reason I’d come. “I haven’t come out here much since I joined the MC.”

“How did you become a Heller?”

“I met Pike at a bike meetup. After he patched into the club, he convinced me to hang around. Having the patch feels good, but I don’t really spend a lot of time with the guys, except Cruz.” Not that we were hanging out much now that I spent all my time with Kiss.

“Jazzy told me you hang with the girls.”

“I know you can’t be jealous. We both know I haven’t fucked any of them.”

“Have you wanted to?”

“I’m not answering that. You’re the only girl I want.” I dropped my gloves and put my hands on the edge of the perimeter ledge. A concrete wall stood about three feet from the flat of the roof and was about a foot wide. I sat and swung my legs over the side.

“Blue! What the fuck are you doing?” Panic raised her voice.

Clearly, I was in a better place because I never feared the ledge. But tonight, a shiver of apprehension skittered down my spine. My voice lowered. “I used to stand on this ledge and wonder what I’d think about on my way down.”

Would I remember my mother’s soft voice before the anger, my father’s praise before the accusations, or my sister’s laugh before the tears?

A soft gasp of breath was Kiss’s only response.

“This is my light.” She’d once told me she’d get as close to the light without going through it. This was myedge. I leaned forward just enough to see the ground more than thirty feet below me. “I’d be bones before anyone discovered the body.”

“That’s morbid.” She dropped her gloves next to mine, then her hand covered mine as she carefully straddled the wall. She shifted until she sat next to me, and her legs dangled over the edge.

“Until I met you, no one would have cared.” I squinted into the darkness.

“That’s not true. Jazzy would care. Rogue, Dozer. I don’t need to read the list of Hellers. The MC is family by bond, not by blood.”

I bowed my head. “If I rode off, they’d assumed I’d bounced.”

“Maybe you haven’t given them a chance to get to know the real you.”

The real me? Fuck, no one knew the real me. I didn’t even know the real me anymore.

“Sully told me I had to choose to be clean even when shit gets hard.” She lowered her voice to imitate Sully and rubbed her imaginary beard. “Whoever said life would be easy lied to you.”

I chuckled. “Wouldn’t be the first time I was lied to.”

Kiss sighed. “Me, either.” She plucked a broken piece of concrete from the edge and tossed it over the side. The chunk bounced off the ground and disappeared into the dried weeds. “It’s lonely up here.”

“It’s lonely in here.” I tapped my head, not really sure why I spoke the words aloud, except I wanted her to know she wasn’t the only one fighting her demons.

“How many times have you thought about jumping?”

I sucked in a sharp breath because her words felt like a kick to the chest. “Every fucking day.”

“Blue.” She leaned her head against my shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to live in a world without you in it.”

I kissed her temple. “Same.”

Night sounds surrounded us. The whistle of the wind blew between the twin silos adjacent to the building. Crickets chirped in the weeds, and planes passed overhead on approach to the airport. But for this moment, I was with her, and I didn’t want to jump.

“How are your cravings and withdrawals?”

She shrugged. “Nothing tastes good. I feel nervous all the time. I never stop thinking about the needle.” She pinched her face, crinkling her nose as she seemed to think about what she wanted to say. “It’s like a bruise. I keep pushing on it to see if it still hurts. I know one day I’m going to be healed because I’m going to push, and I’m not going to feel anything. At least, it won’t hurt. Maybe I’ll still remember what being high felt like. I hope I never forget the feeling of coming clean because it’ll be like a scar. I’ll remember how I felt, and that I don’t have to hurt like that ever again.”

My heart slammed against my ribs. “What if the scars keep me from forgetting? They’re fucked up reminders when all I want to do is forget.”

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