Page 8 of Blue

“Doesn’t work that way,” Cruz said. “I’ll decide when we’re square.” He turned to me. “You good?”

I nodded. “I swear, if he comes near her again, it’s on sight.” No warning. No words. I’d fucking take him out.

“I got your back, bruh.” Cruz stepped into the room across the hall. I returned to Kiss and sat in the same position as before. This time, she crawled across the carpet, sat next to me, and leaned against the wall. We were both silent as dogs barked outside the trailer. Blue lights continued to cut through the darkness.

“I don’t know what to do for you,” I said to her. “You need help. What I’m doing isn’t working.”

“I don’t want to go to rehab again.” She leaned her head against my shoulder. “You don’t know how hard it is to stay clean.”

“Yes, I do.” I lived it every fucking day. Memories were my demons. Had I thought of sticking a needle in my arm to turn my pain into pleasure? I did, as many times as I thought about swallowing my gun to blow the fucking images I couldn’t forget out of my head.

Like the moon, I had a dark side. A monster lurked inside me. Drugs promised an escape, but I had a greater fear of what could be unleashed. Suffering was penance for a fucked up life.

“We all have demons, Kiss. Every time you shoot up, you’re letting your fears control you.”

Tears slipped onto her cheeks. “In treatment, the first step is admitting we’re powerless over our addictions. Nailed it.”

“Fuck twelve steps. You have to make a choice. Decide if you want to live or die.”

Chapter Two

Kiss

Darkness soaked the room. I’d fallen asleep next to Blue, but I had no idea how long we’d been in the empty trailer. I only knew I’d need another hit soon. I was already feeling sick. Six weeks and I was right back in this shit.

When the crash came, sometimes it felt like a train slamming into me.

Chills broke along my flesh, and pain ripped through my belly. My bones ached, my muscles burned, and even my brain hurt. Saliva built in the back of my throat, yet my mouth tasted like ass, and my tongue felt like sandpaper.

Blue was still asleep a couple feet away from me. Last night, he’d watched me. I’d felt his hands on me, his fingertips soft. But he acted as if even the slightest touch from him didn’t alter my perception of reality. In the last few months, he’d become my axis, but no matter how much I wanted to be different, I was constantly spinning out of control. Crazy and chaos. Wreck, ruin, and repeat.

I put my hand to my throat, remembering the feel of him gently stroking my flesh, making sure I was still breathing. Call it an unlucky night, because yep, I was still here. Next time, I’d get a little closer to the light,light that would probably take me to hell for the things I’d done rather than heaven. One day, I’d get close enough and brave enough to walk into it.

Next time. Always fucking next time. I wanted to scream but taking a breath was torture.

Sweat trickled along my spine, and I could feel a torrent of blood rushing through my veins. In the minutes before I became dope sick, I’d feel feral, like a rabid animal because I wanted more. What they said about junkies was true. Nothing meant more than the high, especially when coming down.

Sam was still in the other room. Maybe I could ween myself off if I just took enough to keep me from getting sick. I wouldn’t have to get high.

Swallowing the extra spit in my mouth nearly made me puke. Nausea churned in my gut. I didn’t want to use, but I didn’t want to hurt.

Blue wouldn’t understand. He’d never had to fight mental demons. He didn’t understand how bad it hurt to crash. No one started out believing they’d become a junkie. No one claimed that first hit was the best day of their life.

But the needle had become my best friend, my only friend until Blue. I had three months and seventeen days clean. Three fucking months.

If I could go back six weeks I would. I never would’ve sent that text to Blue. I’d been scared and alone. Men had broken into Indulgence.

I’d thought of slipping out the window. But they’d been too close, and eventually, they’d found me.

I didn’t know…

I didn’t know they were killers.

I didn’t know they wanted Bullet.

I didn’t know I’d almost lose Blue.

He didn’t have a chance to defend himself, and it was my fault. If I’d just run, I never would have seen him hurt. I never would have witnessed those men beat the fuck out of him.