Page 55 of Blue

Blue leaned his head back against the headboard, still staring at the television. My heart was on some kind of rollercoaster ride, dropping from my chest into mybelly. I rested a hand against my middle to stop the flurry of anxiety.

“Don’t freak out.” I shifted to sit next to him with my legs crossed. “But I know something happens to you when I touch you. I don’t know if it’s me—”

“It’s not you.” He laced his fingers with mine. Another long stretch of silence hung between us.

Holy fuck, this was hard. I had questions, but he wasn’t talking. I pulled his hand into my lap and trailed my fingers in slow lazy patterns over his arm. His breathing seemed to slow.

“Do youwantto have sex with me?” I barely spoke the words because they seemed to stick in my mouth.

He growled.

People assumed junkies all shared needles and fucked around. But I didn’t. I’d done other stuff, but I hadn’t slept with anyone since I’d met Blue. I hadn’t been clean, but I wasn’t diseased. No STD’s, no hep or AIDS. I’d been tested. Maybe it was the one time I’d been lucky in my life.

“I want to…if you want to.” Because if he was hard, why wouldn’t he, unless he just didn’t want to put his dick into me. “I mean, you were hard in the shower.” And I was willing. “We could’ve, but it’s okay if you don’t. I won’t get pregnant. I’m on the shot.”

Blue tugged his hand away from me and raked his fingers through his hair. “Fuck, Kiss. Yes! Jesus Christ.” He snapped his gaze at me. “My problem isn’t my dick.”

“If it isn’t your dick, then it’s me, right?” If his dick worked, it was me he didn’t want to fuck.

“When I say it’s not you, it’s me. I’m telling you, it’sme.” He scrubbed his hands over his face.

I shifted onto my hands and knees and crawled next to him. “Don’t get upset. I’m not angry. I’m trying to understand.”

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. I grabbed the remote and snapped off the television. If he couldn’t look at me to tell me the truth, maybe he’d talk in the dark.

“If I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?” My words were softly spoken in the darkened room.

“Maybe.” His voice was low and gravelly, sending tingles over my skin. “But I promise not to lie to you. I just won’t answer.”

I started with the one that meant the most. “Do you want this? Us?”

“Fuck. Yes. Hundred percent. Yes.”

I smiled at the relief lacing his voice. “Do you think of me as your girlfriend?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good.” I chewed on my lip as I contemplated my next question.

“Do you think of me as your boyfriend?” he asked.

My heart skipped a beat. “Yes.” I scooted in next to him, touching but not touching. Our hips connected. His shoulder pressed against mine. I turned to look at him even though he was barely a silhouette next to me.

“Ask,” he said. “I can hear you thinking. Whatever you’re thinking, just say it.”

“You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings if your answer is no, but do you want to fuck your girlfriend?”

“Yes. I definitely want to fuck my girlfriend.” His dark and dirty chuckle seeped into me.

My nipples tightened, and an answering ache pulsed between my legs.

“Does it make you wet to think about us together?” he asked. “Because I’m hard as fuck.”

I sucked in a breath, and he released a heavy exhale.

“But if you touch me, I’m going to lose it.”

I didn’t have to see him to hear the dejection in his softly spoken words.

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