Page 30 of Blue

Blue locked his fingers around my wrist. His thumb glided over my pulse point, sending a shiver over my flesh and coiling a twist of need in my belly.

“Don’t go.” His voice was only a whisper. His face tilted up, and his eyes spoke so much more than words ever could. I slowly sank next to him, and the blanket slipped from my shoulders. He tried to adjust it, but I took it from him and stretched it across his back to cover us both.

Blue took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “I don’t avoid touching you because I’m not interested.” His thumb gently rubbed along my knuckles.

I held still, barely breathing, as the night weaved around us. I waited for him to speak. His throat worked, his Adam’s apple bobbing, but he just held tight to my hand and stared into the distance.

I relaxed next to him, touching him from shoulder to thigh. Then I filled the silence because he hadn’t. “Did you know I’ve almost died three times? Actually, I’ve OD’d three times, and one of those times I did die because my heart stopped.” I glanced up at the stars. “You’d think that would be enough to keep me clean. Nothing was ever enough. I can justify my addiction. Shit mom, dead dad, bad choices. But they’re just excuses. When I started using, I finally felt like I belonged to something.”

Our hands flipped, and it was my turn to gently trace the cuts and abrasions on his hand from the punch to the wall.

“If you were to ask the crew, they’d say you belong at the MC with them,” Blue said.

The crew. Jazzy, Torch, Blade, Dozer, Levi…and Romeo. I had to lie to fit in, to be someone I hated. I had wanted to be tough like Jazzy and quiet yet beautiful like Levi, but I was just the girl who would kiss boys to make them like her.

“Every time I’ve gone back to the MC, I’ve relapsed. It sucks. All of my best memories are tangled up with the worst things I’ve ever done.”

Blue stared at our joined hands, but didn’t seem interested in talking so I continued.

“After the last time I overdosed in the clubhouse, my uncle cashed out some of his 401K and sent me to a wilderness rehab. I’m all he has left. Twenty-four hours after getting home, I relapsed. He said he never wanted to see me again. I was so high, I didn’t care.”

“I don’t talk to my family either.” His jaw continued to clench, and his eyes squinted to keep from tearing up. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

My throat tightened, and my tongue thickened as fear surged through me. I didn’t want Blue to know the awful things I’d done. I didn’t want him to have more reasons to turn away from me.

But this felt like we were on the precipice of something life changing for both of us. And I trusted him. “It’s a long list, Blue.”

His hand tightened on mine again.

“I slept with Razor for black. I wish I could say he made me, but he didn’t. Once he caught me stealing from him.” Tears slipped onto my cheek. “He held me down in the boardroom while Elvis and Slims took turns on me. I was so high, I just laid there and let them.I didn’t fight back. I wouldn’t have because he was my source.”

“Jesus. Fuck.” He banded his arm around me, holding me close. I buried my face in his shirt and breathed in his strength. He wrapped the blanket around us and just held me.

After a moment, I pressed my hands to his chest to put a few inches between us. “There’s so much more. I’ll show you the ugliest parts of me.” And I’d hope he didn’t leave me. “I have secrets, Blue. If Jazzy, Blade, and the others find out, they’ll never forgive me.”

“We all have secrets.” He became quiet, but his mouth twisted into a hard line. “We’ve all done shit we aren’t proud of. I don’t care about your past. I’ll never betray you, Kiss.” His lips pressed against my forehead. “I won’t hurt you.”

I spoke, but I couldn’t believe the words were coming from my mouth. I’d done horrible things for drugs. I had to face the things I’d done, even if Blue was the only one I ever told.

“I stole from Romeo, both weed and money. I’ve lied to Levi.” I lowered my head. “But the worst thing I’ve ever done is betray the Hellers.” I choked on the words. Even the memory of those days still filled me with fear.

I continued, “I’d hit a party at Kane’s and met a Crawler. He took me to Wrench. At first, I just wanted to party, but they had other ideas. Wrench wanted information on the Hellers. I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. But it proved I wasn’t lying to him.” My heart pounded as I remembered how deep I’d been. I hated myself for betraying my friends. “I didn’t care if I lived or died, but Wrench could keep me high.”

Did I tell him the rest? Did I tell him that Bullet knew I’d been with the Crawlers, but he couldn’t have knownabout my betrayal, or he never would’ve let Blue near me.

“I knew they were enemies. But Razor was dead, so I thought it was just talk. Wrench hated the Hellers. I didn’t know he and the Crawlers would try to kill Rogue and Blade. I was so scared. I took off, avoided the Crawlers, and started going to the methadone clinic.”

That was why I’d gone to Bullet, not just to talk to him about what had happened, but to ask him for help. I needed money and a place to stay. I’d been a whore for black. Working for a pimp wouldn’t leave me dope sick and high.

Instead, I’d met Blue.

A smile curled my lips. “Do you still want to be my friend?”

“Nah.” He cupped my cheek. “I want more.” He swallowed hard. “I want to touch you.” His touch trailed along my jaw, then he curled his fingers and brushed his knuckles down my neck.

I wrapped my fingers around his wrist, and he stilled. Then he took my hands and directed them into my lap.

“Don’t touch me, okay?” His voice was soft, taking the sting out of his rejection. “You’re wrong about how I feel about you.” He sank his fingers into my hair, angled my head, and stared into my eyes. His blue-eyed gaze penetrated deep into me. “I want to kiss you.”

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