Page 30 of Testing the Kot'oll Officer

I glance behind his shoulder, which is challenging when he is far taller than me. "So... Did I park well this time around?"

He returns a weak smile. "I suppose so."

"Are you here for work? For... talk?"

He swallows, and so do I... I should have known that meeting him again was going to be awkward, yet... it feels like that's something we have to go through, eventually, now.

Chapter 14

Vatok

As I stand before her, the familiar pang of longing hits me, sharp as a static shock. I grit my teeth, stopping myself from meaningless words that may only worsen the moment. Julie's the same as I remembered, except she doesn't have the energy she always seems to hold.

Sometimes, I envy humans. They only have two hands to pay attention to and make sure they don't do weird things, while I have four hands to be mindful of.

I take a breath, fighting to get some air into my lungs despite the storm of questions swirling in the air between us. I didn't expect to run into her even though I remember this street. Or... Maybe I subconsciously wanted to be here. I picked this zone to patrol. Here is where I ran into her, that may be the first time we metoutside of the bar when I'm not a patron there and she's not a bartender.

“Julie...” My voice comes out hoarse, which may be partly a reflection on how my days have been meh, to say the least since we ended what we may have. I want to be steady; traits I’ve mastered as an officer. Yet, facing her, I feel like a rookie at his first training session. It’s infuriating how easily she turns my world upside down.

She offers a tentative smile. “What gives?”

The air grows thick, saturated with unsaid words. I can’t bring myself to tell her that I almost lost my way in my own thoughts while going over my patrol route, triggered by every street corner echoing with her laughter. “That’s my question for you, too.” My voice inadvertently bears a note of seriousness, the weight of our last conversation still pressing upon me.

In the back of my mind, lingering traces of our last interactions remind me of both the distance we agreed upon and the undeniable pull that draws us back together. This street, this moment... The memories lacing it are heavy, sweet, and terrifying. My professional demeanor clashes violently with the emotions bubbling just beneath my skin.

I take a breath, letting the cool air rush in to steady my racing heart. “I’m on patrol, but...”

“But what?” she asks.

I glance around, checking for passersby.

I suppose I have a moment. Talking to her about our relationship deserves more than a moment, but maybe that's all I can afford, at least for now. “But... let’s not make this a habit,” I finally manage to say, a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming my control, though I know my resolve is crumbling.

Julie’s smile falters slightly, the brightness dimmed by the weight of my words. “Look,” she continues, her tone shifting, softening. “We agreed that we were just meant to be pretending, but I can’t keep that going after I saw what we could have. You felt it too. Didn’t you? There were times when I wasn't sure what was real anymore.”

“Of course, I felt it. But I worry it’s just... complications waiting to happen. You deserve someone who can match your energy, and I—”

“Are you afraid of what could be, or is this just an excuse to push away the connection we had? I know it all started as a fake one, but our connection... Are you sure that it remained fake?” The fiery determination in her eyes dispels the chill of earlier uncertainty, igniting a warmth within me.

“I don’t want to hurt you." I spread my arms to the side. "Look, I... I'm not that good as a mate. As you can see, I can't be there with you when you need me. And..."

A beat of silence stretches between us. Slowly, she moves closer, the warmth of her presence wrapping around me like a softembrace. "Are you thinking that you need to be with me all the time? Every single second?"

"Isn't that what mates do for each other? I promised to help and protect you, yet..."

“Yet what?” There's a fierce spark in her eyes, a reminder of the passion that once danced between us like a humming engine.

“I don’t know if I can handle that. What if I fail you? What if I can't be there and something happens? I'd be such a bad mate. It’s exhausting just... being this torn.” My hands clench into fists at my sides as I acknowledge the fear creeping beneath my skin. This is worse than being an officer who is tasked with protecting others. This is Julie and she feels different. "And I don't know whether you mean it or not. Or maybe we were still pretending, but... I mean, I can feel our connection and... something like that."

She muses. "I can see that. I do think we've gone a lot further than pretending to be mates. Also, just so you know, even after we become mates, or you find someone else, you won't and don't have to be with them all the time. One would wonder how others have mates who work a different job, huh?"

I blink at that. Logically, I know she's right, but that doesn't sit well with me.

“I know they can. But this... with us, it’s different. I don’t want to be the reason something goes wrong for you. Just imagining youmeeting those creepy ones because I couldn't be there... Maybe there'll be someone who can be there for you more.”

She is right in front of me. I miss her soft body in my arms. I want to hug her, but that can't be the right thing to do. My arms itch to hug her, yet I fight to keep them by my side. I fix my hair, belt, baton, and watch.

Julie’s gaze softens. "Look, you don't need to be with me through my shifts. You're making it hard on yourself. I know you want to help me, but even just existing for two beings' worth of working hours can't work in the long term. Even on your shifts, it will eventually end. You're making everything too consuming for your own good."

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