Page 77 of Over the Edge

“Then, no, not particularly,” I admit.

She hesitates before saying, “You could go back to music.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” I try to brush it off.

I’ve thought about it, sure, but what if it’s not the same? What if I go back and it lets me down? Then what? I’m left with two realities I don’t want, drowning in dissatisfaction. It’s the hope that kills you, and I rather like surviving.

“Why not. You’re amazing at it. Fuck. You were the best,” she says, and I almost ask her to repeat herself so I can hear her say it all over again.

“Don’t let your brother hear that.”

She scoffs, waving a hand and nearly swiping away pieces from the board. “He’s an adult and he can handle the truth.”

“Wes is the one who went solo. He’s probably better,” I say, as if it’s a good excuse.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not stable.”

Evelyn crosses her arms over her chest, unimpressed. “You don’t need the money. I bet you could retire right now and buy a mansion or two while you’re at it.”

“That’s not the type of stability I’m worried about. With music, one day you’re in, the next you’re not. It’s not predictable. With the firm I know my trajectory. I know how to get clients and negotiate. I know how to be valuable to them.” I know how to be integral enough that I’m needed. I have a spot there that I earned, that can’t be questioned. Earlier today, even with the mountain of stress that piled on to me when I saw the work piling up, I also had a sense of reassurance that I was needed there. “I owe Alina, Pat, and the rest of the people here who sent me to Tennessee. I had merit and need based scholarships to St. George’s, but they covered the rest, as well as the plane tickets over the winter holidays. They invested in my education and I’m making sure they get a return on that investment.”

“I doubt they think you owe them. They care about you and just want you to be happy,” she says.

And maybe she’s right. But if she is, that doesn’t matter. I need to see this through, I need all the late nights to be worth something. If they aren’t, then what have I been working toward?

“I thought you stayed to play chess.” My voice comes out gruff.

“We can play.” She nods, hesitantly accepting the end of the conversation.

We get through two games before we take a break. I grab us some water. Evelyn’s approach to chess is similar to how she approaches life, aggressive but aware. She’s constantly on the offensive but manages to maintain a solid defense. She doesn’t win, but she puts in a solid effort without ever asking me to give her any suggestions for her next move.

“I don’t want to cancel on you again, but on Wednesday the wine is supposed to be ready for pick up and Thursday afternoon is the rehearsal for the festival,” I say. I didn’t tell her sooner because I didn’t want to cancel, but I’ve never missed a rehearsal.

“Is there room for another set of hands?” she offers.

“You want to help?” I ask, but honestly, what else did I expect from her?

“I would, but if it’s just a town thing I can’t get into without a special membership card, I’ll figure something out.”

I shrug trying not to reveal how much I would really like her there. “If you want to, sure.”

“Do you want me to? We’ve been with each other pretty much non-stop, so you can tell me you need space.”

I don’t want space when it comes to her. I know that, but that’s not something I can casually slip into conversation without imploding things. “If I need space from you, I’ll just decline one of your calendar invites.”

“So that’s why you like them so much. Because you can reject me through a workflow management system.” Humor lightens her voice, but the trace of relief isn’t lost on me.

“My methods have their benefits.” Really, it’s like I have this vampiric need to be invited to places in addition to my love of knowing what’s going to come next in my days.

“And if I come to the event, people won’t get mad?”

“I think Alina is half in love with you from making sure I get out of the house. And everyone else likes you more than they like me.”

“No, they don’t,” she says as she averts her gaze.

“Based on the fact that there’s a few thousand on us ending up together, I think their feelings are pretty clear.”

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