Page 61 of Over the Edge

“And they say chivalry is dead.” I huff a pathetic attempt at a laugh.

“Sounded better than saying I still need your help as my vacation expert and camera woman,” he says.

“You’re agreeing to pretend to be with me for purely selfish reasons? Got it.”

His eyes narrow, snaring my gaze. “Eve. When it comes to you, everything I do is selfish.” His voice threatens to liquefy me.

“Well, I’m glad I get to reap the rewards.”

His eyes hold mine until the whispering of the wind and rippling of the Hudson are drowned out by the unsteady thudding of my heart.

Bad idea. Bad idea.

A bad idea that’s never looked so good. One that made me feel alive when his hands brushed against mine as they danced along piano keys.

“But I mean it’s only for a week, since you’re supposed to be out of here next Monday, so you won’t have to suffer too long,” I remind the both of us.

“Yeah, just a week.” Garrett clears his throat. “I guess I should ask, what happened between you and Oliver? What did he do?”

“Nothing.” The thought of Oliver is sobering. I look away and draw my knees to my chest. “I was the one who left. Sorry to shatter your jilted lover image of me. I dug this grave.”

I told him part of the truth our first time at the museum. But the rest? That’s twisted into the fabric of my mistakes. Pull one thread and everything will unravel.

“So you left. You did what was right for you.”

“You’re still giving me too much credit.” A dam breaks and the force of everything I’ve been holding back rushes out of me in a flood. I need it out in the world, the reason I can’t trust myself with Garrett. Not when he’s starting to mean something to me. “I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did in the first place. I had been making music as Lyla officially for two years by then and I should have told him about it. He wastheperson I should have told because I was building a life with him. But he was finishing his master's then starting a new job. There was excuse after excuse. The truth was that we fit as Evelyn and Oliver. We didn’t fit if I was also Lyla. I knew if I told him he would stay because that’s the type of person he is. He’s someone who takes care of people, a good person. So he would have stayed and encouraged me to chase my dreams even if it went against his picture of a simple content life.

“I couldn’t promise him it would stay a secret. So I didn’t tell him. I stayed anyway. It was so fucking selfish.” My chest heaves as I relinquish the truth.

I think about the ring pressed into Oliver's hand. The weekend I spent in my childhood bedroom. Then two weeks after the break up when we were at our favorite bar and he was fine. I hated myself more that night than I did when I ended things. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to mean something to him. But at least it showed we’d be fine.

Ever since, Lyla has been the shield I've used to never get close to anyone again. Never get close enough to hurt them withmy own ambition. It’s dangerous with Garrett, there’s no shield. How can I know I won’t hurt us both when I get caught up in the idea of something I can’t follow through on, just because I want to be someone to someone?

“Sounds lonely,” he says, causing the back of my eyes to sting as the urge to cry tightens my throat. Part of me wishes that he said anything else. Instead, he’s cut me right to my core.

“It was my choice.” I shrug. “If you do want to pretend to be together, we should probably make some rules then, figure out how all this works so it doesn’t get messy…” I trail off sheepishly as memories filter in. Nimble fingers stroking keys in a way that caused my mind to wander. A flow of inspiration that blended with passion exploding between us. The way he left when I wanted him to stay.

“Not going to sleep with me?” he says teasingly. I appreciate how he’s trying to lighten the mood even if it doesn’t come naturally to him, but it causes heat to flare across my skin.

“I have this tendency to develop feelings hard and fast. So, unless you want to be stuck with me forever, maybe not the best choice,” I say.

“There are worse fates.”

“I’m glad being stuck with me isn’t nightmare fuel.” I roll my eyes, starting to feel a bit better. “I have to ask…how do you do it? I mean, just move on from someone and be okay. I feel like I’ve stopped being able to trust if I’m actually feeling something for someone or if I just want to be wanted so badly that I just throw my all into it. I feel like I’m missing something.”

“I go in knowing I’m not the type of person people end up with. It has to end, so it does.”

Before coming to Hartsfall, I had the impression he thought he was above it all. Better than something as feeble as love. It never occurred to me he thought there was something wrong with him, that he was never supposed to fit anywhere. His mom. The band.This town. He convinced himself he was the person others left behind, like it was a birthright.

Garrett must mistake my silence for offense, or something of the sort, because he adds, “I admire how much of yourself you can give others even when you keep parts so hidden. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to belong with someone. I think it’s the most human thing you can feel.”

“Do you want that too?”

“I’m not sure that matters,” he says. I see it in his eyes, lurking along the edges, that he does, even if he’s lived a life where survival was contingent on never admitting it.

“I think it does. I think you belong with someone.”

“Maybe.” But he says it in a way that makes me think he’s only playing along for my benefit. Like he really doesn’t believe he deserves what everyone else deserves.

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