Page 53 of Over the Edge

“There were people in New Hampshire who had to be rescued from that last week. I looked it up. They all got stuck in thisbottleneck,” she says, and I don’t have to check to know that she’s already sent me the article she read it in.

“I’m not in New Hampshire,” I remind her. “I was in an open area.”

“But you went alone.”

Garrett looks at me quizzically, and I shake my head as he moves past me. I need to wrap this call up. I was hoping to have something to show to him. I’d been sitting with my notebook with a few ideas I was excited to flesh out when the call came an hour ago. I’m thankful I picked up because, combined with the calls yesterday, if I didn’t she would have put in a missing person’s report, or something.

“Yes, I went alone. I’m on vacation alone. I’m going to do things alone.”

“That’s dangerous,” she says.

“Mom. I promise. I’ll be better about updating you, but I need to go. I'm about to order coffee,” I lie and hope she doesn’t notice the distinct lack of commotion in the background.“Ti voglio bene. Ciao.”1

I wait in the entryway for a long moment to collect myself before joining Garrett in the living room. Talking to Mom always puts me in a defensive headspace. While I try my best to tell her what she needs to hear, I’m suppressing the parts of me that are desperate to be heard and understood. I wish I could trust that she would understand me, but I can’t.

With a deep breath, I plaster on a smile and do my best to move forward. I need to make the most out of my time with Garrett to jumpstart the album. I can’t let Mom get in my head.

“Everything okay?” he asks, and I wish he didn’t.

“Give or take. It was just my mom,” I say, doing my best to seem unaffected.

“How is she?”

“Still upset that I moved to New York,” I say. She’s been more tense since I moved farther from home. I think since that’s the first thing Drew did after the band broke up it’s put her on high alert, like it’s the first sign of me shutting them out.

“They do know you’re twenty-nine, right?”

“I can’t be too sure about that.” I let out a sigh as I slump onto the couch.

“Do they know how you feel about that?” he presses.

“It’s complicated,” I explain and try to put it into words. “I think it makes them feel better. Like if they can still take care of me that they’re able to fix things? They came to the US when they were a bit younger than I am now and they had to do so much for themselves to make it work, not just the paperwork, but adjusting to the culture and making new friends in an unfamiliar place. I’m pretty sure they think they failed my brother, even though what happened to him has nothing to do with them. So, if I can give them peace from letting them into my life this way, I will.”

It’s not convenient, but I don’t want to make them think they’ve failed when they’ve given us so much.

“And that’s why you haven’t told them about Lyla?” he asks.

“I mean, of course, that’s part of it, but can we not get into it right now? I just want to start writing since you didn’t let me last week,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. Desperate to escape from the feeling that no matter how hard I try I can’t be exactly who my family needs me to be because of everything I’m hiding. God. This would be so much easier if I didn’t need music like I need air. But I do, and right now I need Garrett to help me learn how to breathe again.

“Only if you figured out what I asked you to.”

“Yes,” I say, relieved to move on. “I also will need to know if you hate it because I’m reaching the point where I cannot fully trust myself to form ideas.”

“Great. So if you start describing a Gregorian chant I should stop you.” He doesn’t miss a beat.

“I think if I do that, it is more likely that I have been possessed because I do not know any Latin,” I joke.

“Good to know,” he says.

“I’m going to admit that you were right, but please don’t get smug because that will ruin this entire thing,” I start. “But you’re right, I was forcing the entire concept. I was wanting something nebulous and that wasn’t getting me anywhere.”

“And?” Garrett presses.

For the last week I’ve spent plenty of hours staring at the piano or my notebook, willing anything to come out. This led to me being frustrated at how much I was forcing it all to try and fill this gaping pit of want in my chest. No matter what I’ve thrown into that pit for the last few months it never seems to shrink. So, instead of trying to change it, I’m trying to accept it.

“The albums I loved writing were about things I was experiencing and I’ve lost touch of that. I came here and acted like I could pluck up someone else’s love story and it would all work out, even if I didn’t put any of the work in myself.”

“I need to make sure you’re not suggesting that you actually fall in love with someone in town. Because that feels a bit unethical due to the fact that the tourists, present company excluded, are likely all in relationships.”

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