Page 126 of Over the Edge

I gasp for air trying to break free of where my mind has jumped to in way of explanation.

She holds up the embossed floral journal like it's a weapon to be wielded against me.

“You know what this is?” she asks. I do, but my mouth has gone dry and I’m not entirely sure I’m asleep and this is some sort of dream. The journal in her hand is the one I used to write “Seeing Double”and a few other songs that I never followed through on. I lose my footing, my body tilting until I catch myself on the side of the car.

No. There’s no way.

That’s supposed to be with the rest of the notebooks I brought with me to Hartsfall. “This is what Oliver found in a box he forgot to unpack after he moved out. That time I was off work for a week because I had pneumonia. I was actually just so pissed at you that I couldn’t risk coming into work because there was a chance I would leak your secret to everyone.”

“I brought you soup,” I say, my mind reeling, scrambling to play catch up. Quinn and the journal. To parts of my life that don’t make sense sharing space with each other.

“You did, and honestly that’s part of the reason I tried to be patient with you. But I’m so fucking over it.” She frustratedly tosses the journal back into the car and it lands with a soft thump. “Evelyn, I really need to fight with you right now.”

As someone who grew up around parents who never got along and made that clear to anyone within earshot, Quinn avoids fighting. It’s part of the reason the three of us worked together for so long. We all had our own reasons to avoid confrontation but now I’m wondering if that stunted our relationship, deprived us from our full potential.

“Okay, then let’s fight,” I agree. I owe her this and I need this. I need to take this and face what I’ve been sprinting away from at a full tilt for years. If she wants to fight, I’ll fight with her, even if it’s the last thing we do as friends.

“Why didn’t you trust us? What the hell did I do to make you think you couldn’t come to me?” Her voice doesn’t waver as her words hit home.

“Nothing. You did nothing! I just didn’t want anything to change. I wanted everything to be the same and keep going out with you guys and not make you carry around a secret with you. What else are you mad at me for?” I demand. I want to get it all out. I want to carve out the bad parts and finally make room for the good.

“I’m mad that you stopped talking to me. You’re my best friend. I’ve never had someone like you in my life and then it was like you didn’t want to talk to me. Yeah, there’s Oliver, but I wanted to be around you sometimes because you let me be an ass when I need to and borrow your stupid T-shirts and order too much pizza. And I knew you were in New York to chase your dreams, and I sent the damn email anyway.”

“Did you not want me to reply?”

“Of course I did! I wanted you to tell me all about your life and that you were happy so I could finally be happy for you. I wanted you to say you made the right choice so I could know that all the secrets were worth it!” She stamps her foot on the ground kicking up a cloud of dust.

“But you don’t want me to do the interview. If you want, you can just leave me at the airport and you don’t have to see me ever again,” I choke out around the knot in my throat.

“No. That is the last thing I want you to do. I’m mad because I want you to stay in my life and you fucking left over something we should have talked about ages ago,” she says. Guilt fissures through me, cracking the walls I’ve spent so long building to protect me from this. “I want you to have everything you want and that’s not waiting for you in that damn office in Nashville when you can make music with a man who looks at you like you hung the damn moon. Honestly, I don’t think you made a mistake breaking up with Ollie. I think you need to talk to him about why and tell him the truth so he can get closure. You guys never pushed each other. You lived in this no-conflict bubble and you two were good together, but both of you deserved more.”

No sinkhole opens to swallow me whole. Fire doesn’t fall from the sky. The world keeps spinning and Quinn doesn’t hate me. I was petrified by the thought of this happening for so long, bracing for the collapse of my relationship with my favoriteperson. But she’s still here, standing her ground, explaining to me how ridiculous I’ve been. And I’ve been so stupid not to trust her with this. So fucking stupid.

“Can you forgive me for any of this?” I ask.

“Yes, but only if you don’t make this same mistake again. I’m so tired of seeing you not go for what you want and not leaning on anyone. Tell me what you want, Evelyn. I know you know, so tell me,” she says firmly.

And for the first time, it feels like it’s all in reach.This.This is what I’ve been bracing for and running from.

“I want to have you and Ollie back in my life and share everything I’ve been doing. I want to make music. I want to be with Garrett, even if it scares the shit out of me that it might not work,” I tell us both.

“Okay, then what’s stopping you from having all of that. Who said you had to choose?” she asks, which seems to give my building tears permission to fall because they start to stream down my cheeks.

Me.

I’m the one who told myself that I had to pick. Is it really that easy? Just asking for all of these things that I want.

“I really got in my own way,” I say.

“Sure did. I am proud of you, too, you know.” A smile teases the corners of her lips.

“You are?”

“Of course I am. My best friend is an internationally renowned superstar and I’ve been waiting ages to tell her how talented and gifted I think she is,” she says like it’s obvious. I’m not sure if I would have done this differently if I knew, but the fact of the matter is that we have right now and that’s what’s important.

“Even if she’s an idiot?” I check.

She rolls her eyes and pulls me into a hug. “Yes, even then.”

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