Page 5 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

BENNET

“Iwant him,” Benji admits, squeezing my hand. As we drive to the old, closed-down Wal-Mart on Highway 80, he repeats the words more times than I can count, and it doesn’t stop once we reach our destination. He keeps whining about it the whole time we walk across the parking lot.

“Yeah,” I say, gripping his hand. “It’s blatantly obvious.” When we reach the double doors, there’s a note telling us the place is closed. Following our recruiter’s instructions, I lift the sign away from the wall, draw a star shape on the inconspicuous touchpad beneath, and wait to be buzzed inside. While we wait, I turn, leaning against the wall. “I don’t understand you at all sometimes.”

He cocks his head to the side, his shiny platinum-blond hair reflecting the relentless Texas sun at me, making me wince. “What do you mean?”

“You dry-humped him to completion, Benji, then you wiped your load on his bare skin.”

He takes a step forward and pokes me in the chest. “Nate told you to be nice to me today. I am a delicate flower; it doesn’t take much to break me. Fucking rude, Bennet.”

“He’s our ex-boyfriend’s father. It’s weird, and it’s icky.”

“It’s only weird and icky if you make it that way. He cares about us. You’ve seen the way he’s always looking out for me. He wore my cum to work because he knew I wanted it, and he didn’t even argue. If that’s not Daddy material, I don’t know what is.”

“He’s not gay. If you don’t cut it out, he’s going to catch on, and then what happens? You realize if he kicks us out, we’ve got nowhere to go, right? It’s you and me. We don’t have anyone else.”

“There’s Tatum.”

I shake my head firmly. “No. Absolutely not. Not while they’ve still gotthe monstertied up in their closet.” The moment the words are out, I regret them.

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid, Bennet.

Sure enough, when I look into Benji’s eyes, tears are forming in the corners. I bridge what little distance separates us and press my hand against his chest, grabbing his wrist and guiding his palm to my heart. Normally, this is how I guide him back to me. Heart to heart, I remind him he’s mine. But this time, it’s not taking. His eyes just get damper and damper until a teardrop spills over and drips slowly down his cheek.

I could kill Benito for what he put us through. I’m not very strong, but I was strong enough to bear the brunt of his abuse. I soaked up his rage like a sponge, so there was little left for him to pour on Benji. I took it all for four months before Nito decided I wasn’t fun to torture anymore, then he threw me in the attic like an old forgotten suitcase.

We tried to run away once. Well, I tried to run. I suggested it to Benji, and the terrified look he gave me felt like a knife to the chest. He didn’t trust me. How could he? He was right there with me. He knew the extent of Nito’s wrath. That night, I dosed Benji with enough Benadryl to sedate an elephant, and I attempted carrying him out of our shared townhouse, away from BenitoBlankenship. Benji and I weigh the same, though, and neither of us are all that strong. I only made it to the front door before falling back on my ass, waking Nito.

The things he did to me—the things he threatened to do to Benji if I ever tried to escape again—I don’t know if they’ll ever leave me. The memories pop up at inopportune times, locking me in place. But Benji doesn’t know about that. He has no idea what I did to keep him safe. He doesn’t know the lengths I would go to, just to ensure he’s happy.

“I’m right here, baby,” I whisper, pressing my forehead against his. “You’re okay, and you’re safe. We’re okay.”

He squeezes his eyes shut, mumbling something under his breath I can’t make out. Then, I hear it. The little cracks in his voice when he whines, “Nate,” are enough to crack my heart in my chest. Anger rises in me, because I’m the one Benji should be picturing when he’s out on that emotional ledge. I’m the one who saw him through the worst times. I was there, I’malwaysthere.

It should be me he’s clinging to, but it’s not. While I know it’s not Nate’s fault, that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

So, with my heart not being strong enough to bring him back, I do the only thing I can. I give Benji back to Nate. I take the hand that’s touching my heart, and I slide it against his hip, placing it in the same place Benji’s semen is currently located on Nate.

“He’s wearing you, remember? He’s wearing you, so you know you’re safe. You’re okay, Benji, I promise.” I kiss his forehead. His cheek. Each of his earlobes. The tip of his nose. I just keep kissing and kissing until his breathing finally steadies. Using my thumbs, I softly brush his tears away, not bothering to wipe away the one that just fell down my cheek. My hurt doesn’t matter right now. My feelings don’t matter. The light is returning to his eyes, and it’s enough to light up the whole damn world.

“Bennet,” he whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Is it ever gonna get easier? Am I always gonna feel so broken?”

I kiss his forehead, holding him against me, right where he belongs. “You’ve got me. We can be broken together. I’ll keep you safe.”

He sniffles. “I had you before, and we weren’t safe then. We need someone, Bennet. We need a daddy, cause we’re no good on our own.”

While I agree with the sentiment, I don’t agree with Benji’s choice of potential Daddies. It’s not that I don’t like Nate, because I think I kind of do. He isn’t a daddy, though. He’s a dad. More specifically, he’s our ex-boyfriend’s dad. He’s essentiallyourdad, now that we don’t have anyone else. If Benji pursues this, we run the risk of losing the roof over our heads. Then there’s Tatum; if he finds out one of his ex-boyfriends is throwing himself at his father, we’ll lose him too. Goodbye Nate. Goodbye bedroom. Goodbye Tatum. Goodbye safety net.

“We’ll find someone, okay?” I insist. “Leave it to me, and I’ll find us the perfect Daddy.”

Benji’s arms crush around my waist. “I don’t want another Daddy. I want him, Bennet. I want you to want him too. Please? I won’t ask you for anything else, I promise. Just give him a chance.”

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