Page 42 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

That word. That beautiful, overwhelming title. I need him to keep saying it. I want him to say it every day for the rest of our lives.

“We need to stop this,” I insist, but I can’t seem to take my hands off either of them. It’s too much. The love they’re pouring into me feels impossible. How can these small, gentle guys have so much love to give? “We need . . .” When Bennet grinds against my thigh, I feel just how much he means this. He’s rock-hard, and he’s rocking it against me. I love it. Feeling him against me, knowing he’s looking at me like one might watch a lover. “We need to . . .”

“Come,” Benji whispers, rolling his hips until his cock is pressed against me as well. “We need to come, Dad. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Benjamin.” Slowly, with each thrust he takes, I’m brought back to reality. My boys need release, but more than that, they need me. If we’re really doing this, I don’t want it to start this way. My boys might think they need to come, but there’s something else they need—for me to be on their wavelength. Right now, I’m not. Right now, I’m barely holding my head above water. How am I ever supposed to be their Daddy if I prioritize having them come on my chest over ensuring their hearts are protected from any potential fallout. “We need to talk. Your penises will have to wait.” Stepping forward, I break the hold they have on me and take a deep breath.

“Daddy,” Bennet whines.

“Bennet.” I try to focus, but damn. Every time he uses the endearment, it feels like an explosion.

“Sorry,” Bennet says. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I don’t know how to tell him I’m not upset. There isn’t an ounce of anger in my body. Frustration with the situation? Absolutely. But there’s not a thread of bitterness woven into me right now. I turn around to face them, the way I always taught my son, Tatum. It’s something a man does. He looks you dead in the eyes, no matter how uncomfortable the topic of conversation might be.

“I’m not angry—we just need to talk.”

Benji must be feeling cheeky, because he wraps a hand around his shaft, outlining the entire length through his pajama bottoms. “Mean Dad.”

Bennet’s got his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing softly. I can tell there’s something he wants, but I don’t know what it is. He rocks on the balls of his feet twice before stopping himself, like he’s trying to play off the action so it goes unnoticed, but I notice everything. The way his hands fidget nervously with the tail of his shirt.

“Mean Daddy,” Bennet whispers his agreement, his cheeks flooding with color once the words are out. “Sorry.” He spits the word at me like its lava that’s scorching his tongue. “It just keeps slipping out.”

Is he worried about showing his playful side? It’s a side I see so rarely, and judging by the resigned expression on his face, it’s something Bennet wants to unleash. God. These boys have been without a Daddy for so long.

That ends today.

They’ve got me. However much or as little as they need, I’ll give it, because I don’t ever want to see this look on Bennet’s face again. It isn’t devastation or loss, it’s resignation. An inward acknowledgment that this thing—this one small insignificant label—is something he may never get to use again.

He can say it whenever the hell he wants.

I step forward, cupping both my boys’ cheeks. “I need you to focus. Can you do that for me, sweethearts?” I swallow, trying to build up the courage I’ll need to do this. They’re staring at me as if I’m not about to change everything we’ve ever been. With my hands trembling against his face, I lean closer and press my mouth to Benji’s. Our lips don’t part, which is good, because I’m still a little nervous about that, but the nervousness doesn’t negate this inner need to please my Bens. When I pull away, Benji’s got a dreamy look in his eyes. “Dad loves you, buddy.”

Benji’s hand grips tighter around my hip. “I love you, too, Dad.” I give Benji a kiss on the tip of his nose, pretending to bite a chunk off and swallow it down, and the action earns me a scandalized expression from Benji. “Give it back!” There’s a twinge of playful laughter accenting each word, and the sound of him so carefree after he’s trusted me with this big, beautiful secret they’ve been hiding . . . it’s everything. They are everything.

I open my mouth and pretend to pull out the dismembered tip of his nose, then I press it against his actual nose and seal the action with another kiss. “All better?”

Benji nods. “It’s always better with you.”

I stroke his cheek, then turn my attention to Bennet. My scared little guy. I know he’s worried, because his face can’t hide anything. Wanting to reassure him the same way I did with Benji, I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips. A whine escapes him as if I’ve just given him the only thing he’s ever wanted in his life. “Bennet,” I mumble, not wanting this moment to end. I don’t know how things will work in the bedroom, but this kiss? This is enough. It’s not a kiss filled with panic or confusion, it’s simply our truth. It’s gentle and soft, like satin on silk.

This kiss might be the beginning of something new, but it’s also my way of saying goodbye to the version of them I’ve had in my head for a year. I know if I’m ever going to give them what they need, I have to let go of any assumptions of our future. No more waiting for them to find another Daddy only to leave me here alone. No more fear that I might not be able to please them sexually. Just truth. I love these boys, and I can make them happy. Though I don’t have control of a lot of things, I can control this. I can give them everything they’re wanting, even if a lot of it makes me nervous.

“Daddy loves you, Bennet.” I kiss him again. “I love you so much, little guy.”

“Daddy?” he whispers.

I swallow, then nod. “Daddy.”

“You mean it?” Tears flood his eyes, spilling over before I have a chance to brush them away. “You’re really going to be our Daddy?”

“That’s what you both want?”

They share a look and exchange a decided nod. “Yes.”

“Okay,” I finally say. I lean in closer to Bennet, because I need him to really hear this and take the words in. “You’re not alone anymore. Daddy’s got you. I’ll have you for as long as you’ll let me.”

Tears are falling freely now, and Bennet’s making no effort to wipe them away. “Forever,” he finally says. “We want you for forever.”

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