Page 40 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

Good Lord.

I don’t know who this man is masquerading as my Benji, but he’s so assertive. He’s got his eyes locked on a lackluster prize, and I don’t think he’s going to let go so easily. Do I want him to let go? “Have . . . have you boys been masturbating while thinking of me?” I ask, almost afraid to hear the answer. Bennet blushes, removing any hope I had left that this is just some sort of elaborate hoax.

“Every night,” Benji says matter-of-factly, as if it’s the most normal response in the world. “And we probably will again,” he continues. “If that’s a problem, I don’t know what to tell you, because it’s not going to stop.”

I’m pretty sure my jaw just hit the floor. “What?”

Benji grabs his bulge, shaking what I’m pretty sure is a full-on erection. “This is because of you, Dad. It’s always because of you.” He gives Bennet a sheepish smile. “Well, lately it’s because of Bennet too, but that’s neither here nor there.” As if he’s trying to emphasize his point, Benji slowly strokes himself up, then down. With his pajamas hiding him from view, I can almost pretend he’s just playing a silly gag on me, but the closer I look the easier it is to see the outline of the head.

Yep. That’s my non-biological son’s penis.

“It’s hard for you, Dad. Istayhard for you.”

“Benji.”

“Tell him, Bennet,” Benji prompts. Dear Lord, he’s still stroking it. It’s like I’m not even in the room.

“We love you, Nate,” Bennet says. My Bennet. My sweet, kind, gentle Bennet is staring at me like I’m holding his entire future in my hands. “And I know maybe this feels sudden, but it’s not sudden for us.”

My head is spinning and I’m having trouble just keeping myself in the moment. “I can’t. Boys, this isn’t right. I’m your dad. You’re like sons to me. We can’t . . .” Looking back at the screen, I stare at my cum-stained sons, drenched in the evidence of their arousal. A mental image of Bennet and Benji bent over the side of the bed flashes through my mind. In the dream, they’re staring over their shoulder at me, hands on their cheeks, pulling them apart, giving me a view of their . . . “Give me one chance, alright?” My words and tone are frantic, because it feels like my world’s caving in around me, and I don’t know how to keep myself from falling down with it. “Just give me a chance to find you a Daddy who can love you the way boys deserve. I know you both so well.” I rush over to the sofa and kneel in front of them, squeezing each of their knees. “Who can help you pick a better Daddy than me, huh? Who else could find a man who will protect you the way you deserve?” Benji sniffles, and the sound of it sends my heart shattering in my chest. I cup his cheek because it’s the only thing that centers him. “Ah, hell. Baby, please don’t cry. You know what that does to me.”

He looks up at me with wet eyes and runny nose. I don’t care how dang nasty it is, I lift the tail of my shirt and use it to wipe his nose. My boy needs me now, and I don’t give a dang how many bodily fluids I have to wade through to get to him, I’ll always find a way to comfort Benji, if he needs me.

“Then stop making me want to cry,” Benji pleads as tears fall down his cheeks. “I don’t want another Daddy. Didn’t you watch the video? We made it very clear. It isn’t like I’m asking you for the world. I just want you to be my boyfriend.”

I suck in a sharp breath, the word, “Boyfriend?” leaving my mouth in a rush when I breathe out. “You want—I mean, you . . . boyfriend?”

Benji nods emphatically. “Yeah? See? It’s not too much to ask. We’re trying so hard to break it to you gently, but it’s like you’re not listening.”

“Gently?” I scoff, the bitter tone around the words tasting vile and unwelcome.

“Gently,” he agrees with a nod. “If I wanted to shock you I’d mention how Bennet and I want to put a camera in your room so we can watch you all the time.”

My eyes bulge. “You what?”

Bennet groans. “Jesus, Benj.”

“No!” Benji shouts at Bennet, unwilling to be silenced. “Dad’s always said as long as we’re good boys and use our words, he’ll give us whatever we want.” His eyes lock with mine. “So that’s what I want. I want you to be my boyfriend, I want to sleep in your bed all the time, and I want to put a camera on you so I can watch you when you think you’re alone.”

“Why on Earth would you want that?”

His cheeks darken. “Reasons.”

“Oh, for the love of—” I fling my hands in the air in defeat. His words are absolutely ridiculous. “I’m not putting a camera in my room, son. I think you’re taking things a bit overboard.” When I reach for his hand, wanting to soothe him, he just slaps it away. “I can’t be your boyfriend.”

“Don’t you love us?” Benji asks.

“More than anything in the world, buddy, but it isn’t right. You dated my son, son. You’ve done things with him. Sexual things. Even if I wanted to, how could I?—”

“Tatum isn’t here,” Bennet snaps, surprising me. He’s always so calm and patient. This new bitter tone to his voice doesn’t sound like the Bennet I know, and I realize there are so many parts of himself he’s kept hidden from me. I want to know every part of him. Not just the good side. So, I sit back, and I allow him to air his thoughts. “He’s in Washington, living his best life withhis husband. He left us, and we’re stuck trying to put our lives back together the best we can, but we’re not strong, Nate. We’re not strong like you.”

“You think I’m strong?” I ask with a scoff. “I watched my wife fall out of love with me and I did nothing to stop it from happening. You boys act like I’m this all-knowing godhead, but I’m just as lost as you.”

Bennet leans forward and grabs my wrist. “Then let’s be lost together.”

“It’s not . . .” I sigh, because even if I was gay or bi, this wouldn’t work. I could never keep these boys sexually satisfied with my lackluster ability to maintain an erection. “It isn’t just because of Tatum.”

“Is it because you’re straight? Because, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you came for us, Dad,” Benji says, sniffling. “You were looking right at us when it happened. We’re the ones you were thinking of. That’s not the action of a straight man.”

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