Page 28 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

The moment feels electric. There’s static crackling and popping all around, wrapping around us and warding off theworld. In this bubble we’ve created, there’s no right or wrong. There are no roles of fathers, friends, and sons, just truth. There’s an unspoken connection that amplifies hour by hour, day by day.

Dad looks like he might cry, and we can’t have that, so I break the bond Bennet’s forged for us, and I take Dad’s hand. I bring it to my lips, kissing each of his knuckles. Bennet reaches for the other and follows my lead, kissing Dad’s palm. His lips linger longer than mine, and I’m feeling a little guilty about giving so little, so I repeat the action, keeping my lips pressed firm against his hand.

Dad sighs. “What did I ever do to deserve this? The way you boys treat me, it’s like . . .” He closes his eyes and sighs. “It’s been so long since anyone’s needed me.”

“Of course we need you,” I say.

Bennet nods. “We’ll always need you.”

“Because we love you.”

“Because you’re ours,” Bennet says. “And we’re yours, Nate.”

Dad still looks like he might cry, and I don’t want that. He doesn’t deserve to cry. He’s a good man with a huge heart. Even if this doesn’t work out—even if we can’t have him the way we want—he doesn’t ever deserve to cry.

Dad lets go of our hands and pulls us both against him for a big, bear hug. “Well, that’s settled then.” His voice is shaking, but it’s clear he’s trying to put a carefree tone in it, it just isn’t working out the way he hoped. “I’m your dad for life, now.” He kisses each of us on the forehead before breaking contact, sniffing wetly. The second his hand is gone, it feels like a part of me is missing. Judging by the look on Bennet’s face, he must feel it too. “Your old man’s feeling awful, so I’m going to go puke up my guts and then I’m taking a nap.”

Bennet makes a gagging sound, but he’s obviously just playing it up for the crowd.

Dad chuckles. “Have fun, okay? Do as much or as little as you want. If you get scared, I’m right down the hall.” And with that, he turns and walks away, leaving us to muddle through the rubble he’s left behind. Bennet and I sit at the edge of the bed, our legs dangling over the side but not long enough to touch the floor. Bennet’s hand is at his side, and as much as I want to take it, I can’t make my hand move.

“Do you mind if we take a nap first?” Bennet asks when it’s just the two of us. “I just need a little more rest before I’m ready.”

“We can nap as long as you need, Bennet. I don’t mind.” I curl up beside him, pulling the covers over us. “Can I hold your penis?”

Bennet snorts a laugh. “You can touch me anywhere.”

So, that’s just what I do. I hold his cock like a security blanket as I nod in and out of consciousness for the next three hours, and Bennet sleeps like a rock. Eventually, his eyelids flutter open, and he’s beaming ear to ear.

“Hey, baby,” he whispers.

“Hey, Bennet.”

“If you’re sure about us looking at each other, I think I’m ready.” To prove it, he drives his hard cock into my hip. “Are you still sure?”

“Yeah. I want to see you, and I want you to see me.” I dart my eyes in his direction and sure enough, he’s looking at me. He looks as lost as I feel, and seeing my own worry being mirrored back at me is too much, and I have to look away. Staring at the ceiling, I graze his pinkie with mine. “Do you still want to see me?”

“Yeah.” There’s pressure on my shoulder, and when I look down, Bennet’s head is resting against it. “What are we doing, Benji? Are we trying to have sex? Are we dating?” He closes his eyes and sighs.

“I know it’s weird, but it makes sense, doesn’t it? We’ve always been close.”

“Not dick-sucking close.”

“No, but you’ve held my hand almost every time I’ve bottomed, just like I’ve done for you. You kiss the side of my face, telling me to relax and let our daddy in. You tell me I’m beautiful, Bennet. You say I’m the most beautiful man in the world the whole time.”

“Because you are,” he says. “Sometimes they don’t tell you, though, and you deserve to hear it. You deserve everything.”

“And you want to be the one who gives it to me?” I ask.

“I already do, don’t I?”

“Can I tell you a secret?” I ask. The way his hand squeezes my knee a little tighter is all the answer I need. “When they’re fucking me, I only ever think of you. Not sexually—not up until now, at least—but you’re where my mind wanders. And you’re always there, Bennet. You’re always beside me, right where you belong. When I come, I’m never thinking of them. It’s always your face. Smiling at me. Telling me everything’s okay. Reminding me I’m safe. It’s you every time. I know this is scary and sudden and it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I love you, Bennet. More than I love anyone, that’s how much I love you.” I reach across our chests until I’ve got my hand on his half-heart necklace. “You’ve got half of mine, and I’ve got half of yours, remember?” I lightly tug at his necklace. “I don’t know if what I feel for you is sexual, or how it would even work, but I want to try. I think we owe it to ourselves.” I twist my head closer toward him, kissing his head, the soft blond hair tickling my nose. “What if we could be more? More than what we are right now.” I have to clear my throat to rid it of a whimper, because if he says no to this, I don’t know what I’ll do. “Would you want that?”

“Yeah.” He sniffles. “Yeah, Benji. I think I do. I’m just scared it’s going to ruin?—”

“If this works,” I cut him off. “Ifwework, I promise, I’ll never hurt you. I’m never gonna break your heart, I swear it.” Squeezing his pinky as an unspoken oath of sorts, I press my other hand against his heart. “You’ve trusted me with this for twenty years. Have I ever hurt it before?”

He stares at me, words unspoken in his mouth, and I know he’s too scared to let them out. He doesn’t have to be though. That’s the entire point of this conversation. He can trust me now, just like he always has.

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