Page 15 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

“Are you okay?” he asks, dropping the pillow and pressing his palm against my forehead. “You’re white as a ghost.”

I swallow, but I don’t succeed in swallowing down this strange new sensation. I can’t describe it, I can only experience it by letting it run its course. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before. Raw. Guttural. An instinctual urge to protect what’s mine.

“I’m fine.” And when his expression softens, those words are truer than they’ve ever been. Right here, in this room, with these boys, I’m fine. I’m at peace. “Let’s get some rest.”

Bennet moves, taking the left side of the bed as his own. “I was going to bash your skull in with your pillow for wiping cum on me, but it can wait until tomorrow,” he says with an exaggerated grin. “Gonna knock your socks off, just you wait.”

I snicker, taking my spot on the right side of the bed. Benji weasels his way in between us, and I try to turn my back to them so I don’t get their combined cumshots all over Benji’s chest. Benji’s got other plans, it would seem. As soon as I’m on my side, he whirls me around, the corner of his lip curled.

“I want you like this,” he says. “If you don’t mind.”

“I might get you dirty, buddy. You covered me in cum earlier.”

As if trying to prove a point, Benji wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest, squirming to spread their shared seed across his skin. “See? Nothing to worry about. Now, cuddle me. I haven’t gotten to be the middle-man since . . .” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Not since the monster. I’ve missed it.”

The mere mention of Benito brings back all those terrible thoughts from earlier. My inner-protector surges, ready to wage war on anyone who touches these boys. Benji must see it, because his hand finds mine and he gives it a squeeze.

“I’m okay now, though. We both are.”

Bennet brings his lips to Benji’s shoulder, pressing a kiss against his bare skin. “He’s right. We’re okay now. Better than we’ve been in months.”

Benji’s got his hand on top of Bennet’s, holding it in place, right over his heart. He cuddles even closer to me, laying his head against my chest, his cum still sticky on my side. He’s staring at my chest like it’s a touchstone, and, wanting to be that for him, I take his hand and guide it to my neck, brushing my thumb against his knuckles.

“I’m proud of you, boys,” I whisper, reaching over Benji so I can place a hand on Bennet’s arm. It’s an action that pulls Benji even closer to me, and I worry it’s going to be uncomfortable, but that worry vanishes when he puckers his lips and kisses my chest. I squeeze Bennet’s arm. “I’m so proud of you, buddy.Letting yourself go, just now. Watching you come alive. It was beautiful, Bennet. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Though the appreciation in his eyes is overwhelming, he looks like he might fall asleep at any moment. He looks down at my hand, and for a moment, I worry he might smack it away and tell me to leave him alone, but he doesn’t. He just lies there like a touch-starved kitten, leaning into the affection. “Thank you for helping us.”

I flash my kindest smile. “I’d do anything for you. For both of you.” I turn my attention to Benji, stroking his cheek. “My sweet boys.”

We’re quiet for a while, none of us speaking. The only sound in the room is coming from my oscillating tower fan and our heavy breathing. My eyes drift from Bennet to Benji then back again, repeating the cycle until I’m a dizzy mess of a man.

“I never really had a dad, you know,” Benji whispers, unwilling to look me in the eye.

“You didn’t?”

He shakes his head, combing his fingers through my chest hair. “Not a real one. Mine kicked me out when I was just a kid, so he doesn’t count. After that I didn’t have anybody but Bennet and his mom. Then his mom died, and all we had was each other.” His eyes meet mine, and there’s a heat in them that leaves me speechless. “You’re a good dad. To Tatum. To us.”

“You are,” Bennet agrees.

“I wish you were my real dad,” Benji says, and to my horror, the words have a strange stiffening effect on my penis. What in the world is wrong with me? I’ve gone without erections for months, and my traitorous penis waits until I’ve got my surrogate sons in bed with me to rear its horny head? Dang. I just hope Benji doesn’t notice. The last thing I want is to make him uncomfortable.

I don’t know why my erection has chosen this exact moment to stage its comeback extravaganza, but I’m not amused. Mainly because with Bennet and Benji beside me, I can’t greet it like an old friend and give it a shake. I haven’t masturbated in months. As much as I want to rush out of bed and into the bathroom before I lose momentum, I resist. My boys need me now. If it means another eight months without ejaculation, so be it.

“You do?” I finally ask.

Benji nods. “I’ve been trying to think of why your name never sounds right in my head.” He gives me a sleepy smile. “I think I just figured it out.”

I wait for him to elaborate, but he just lies there, staring dreamily. “Care to fill me in?” I ask.

He glances over his shoulder, waging a silent war with Bennet before Bennet finally sighs and nods. When Benji looks back at me, he’s got the widest smile I’ve ever seen. “I think it’s because you feel more like a father than a friend. I don’t want to call you Nate anymore because that’s not who you feel like to me.” Benji sniffs, and I can tell he wants to look away, but he’s trying to fight the urge. He’s trying so damn hard. He knows I want his eyes on me, so he’s pushing past his worry to keep me happy. With my Bens, I see so much of my former life in them. Carefully guiding them, the way I’ve always done with Tatum. Earning their trust, and hopefully, one day, their unconditional love. God knows I could use some of that love right now.

“If I’m not Nate, then who am I to you, sweetheart?”

He looks at Bennet before staring back at my chest. He’s clearly struggling with something, and it’s eating me up inside to see him so worried. Wanting to make things easier on Benji, I lean in and playfully nibble the tip of his nose. Pulling back, I mime like I’m chewing, holding the imaginary contents in my mouth. Benji’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open.

“Did you just get my nose?” he asks. I chew again, making a crunching sound as I do. “Give it back!” He almost looks like he’s serious. He’s feigning worry so well, I almost believe him. Benji pinches my nostrils shut, and when I open my mouth to take a breath, his fingers spring into my mouth, touching my tongue. His skin is sweet like vanilla and cotton candy, and instinctively, I shell my tongue around the foreign object in my mouth. Benji whimpers at the connection, pulling me back to reality. He must feel the shift, too, because he quickly pulls away from me, pretending to reattach his gnawed-off nose. Once he’s got it secured, he leans in and kisses my cheek, finally answering my question when he says, “My dad. That’s who you feel like to me.” Tears well in his eyes. “Can I call you Dad?”

My heart stalls in my chest. My God. This sweet, sensitive guy. He’s done so much for me already. He breathes life back into me, and I never want to lose the feeling. I don’t want to end up in another twenty-year marriage that’s more transactional than traditional. I want to hold on to this moment. To let it marinate me from the inside out. Even if I wanted to tell him no, how can I deny him such a simple request?

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