Page 11 of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Us, Daddy

“It’s about the Daddy stuff,” Bennet says cautiously, refusing to look me in the eye. We’ll need to work on that.

“It’s just . . .” Benji closes his eyes and sighs. “It’s been a long time since we’ve . . .”

“Had sex?” I finish for him, relieved when he nods. “Boys, I want you to look at me.” I wait for Bennet to meet my gaze, smiling as encouragingly as I can manage. “You know I’m a licensed sexologist, right? I’ve heard it all. You’re not going to make me uncomfortable talking about sex. It’s a natural part of life.”

Benji chews his lip, his sky-blue eyes searching my face; for what, I’m not entirely sure. Whatever he’s looking for, he must’ve found it, because after a decisive nod, he looks at Bennet and smiles.

“Bennet and I want to have sex. With each other.” Benji blushes, but he doesn’t let his nervousness stop him. “Him and me. Doing the sex.” His voice takes on a husky tone when he adds, “Together.”

I almost choke at the abruptness of his statement, but somehow manage to play it off as a cough. They want to have sex? With each other? I don’t know all the workings of their past sexual experiences, but they’ve made it clear they have nevertouched each other intimately. They see themselves as brothers. They’ve said it more times than I can count.

“But we’re not sure how,” Bennet adds. He sounds mortified right now, so I grip his hand tighter, wanting to reassure him. The corner of his lip tugs into a half-smile, but it doesn’t stay there long. “We’re both bottoms, so we can’t . . .” To my surprise, when Bennet finally looks up at me, the nervousness in his voice doesn’t match the look in his eyes. There’s fire roaring in them, whipping up and around his blue irises. “We can’t fuck each other.” He licks his lips. “Sir.”

The way he says the words makes them sound soscandalous. He’s not breaking eye contact either. It’s like he’s daring me, but for what, I’m not sure. Part of me wants to scold him for his language, but I can’t seem to do anything but stare at him, almost in a stupor.

“We need you, Nate,” Bennet whispers. “You do this for a living. You help people open themselves up sexually all the time.” Bennet’s free hand has been resting on the bed since they crawled in next to me, but he slowly moves it over his thigh until it’s resting on his best friend’s bulge. He grips his package tighter, and witnessing him like this has me seeing stars. He’s never been like this before, and it makes my heart swell with pride, because it means he finally trusts me. You don’t go to just anyone asking for sexual guidance. You go to someone close. Someone you can trust. Someone you love? “Help us. Please?”

“Please?” Benji adds. “Open us up.”

“Okay.” The waves of pride are still rushing through my chest as I nod. “I’m happy to help however I can. Have you boys tried anything with each other yet?” They shake their heads in unison. “Well, it’s probably best if we start out small. You can start by touching each other. Get used to each other’s bodies. You don’t have to dive in headfirst. Try to see what makes your friend tick.”

Benji slides closer toward Bennet, and he cups his hand around his best friend’s bulge. “Like this, sir?”

Good Lord. They’re touching each other. I didn’t mean for him to do it right here. I just assumed they’d return to their room and explore each other freely. Clearing my throat, I suggest, “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable doing this in your room?”

Bennet flashes me a pleading glance. “We tried earlier. It felt wrong. There’s always been someone else in the room with us when we played with other guys.”

Benji removes his hand from Bennet’s bulge and wraps it around my wrist. His touch is like fire, making it feel like my blood is bubbling. “You love us, don’t you, Nate?”

“Of course I do,” I answer without hesitation. Ever since they moved in, it feels like I’ve got a family again. It’s been so long since I’ve had the chance to dote on someone. Now, the Bens are home where they belong, and it feels like I’ve got a purpose. “I love you like you’re my own.” I turn slightly, staring into Bennet’s eyes. “Both of you.”

Bennet tugs his bottom lip between his teeth and doesn’t respond—not that I expect him to—but Benji keeps stroking my wrist. The fact he’s touching me with a hand that was just cupping another man’s penis should probably make me pull back and retreat, but it doesn’t. I don’t mind it. It’s just an extension of our bond.

“We were hoping you could help walk us through it,” Benji says. “You can tell us if we’re doing something wrong, or when we get something right. We’re not used to all this pressure.”

Bennet nods. “We’re used to having a daddy who takes the lead. We’re no good on our own, sir.”

I arch an eyebrow at them. “You want me to critique your performance?” There’s life fluttering below Benji’s jockstrap, and I watch as a small tent forms.

He shrugs. “It would help a lot.” He glances over at Bennet. “I want to learn to make him feel good until we get a daddy to focus on.” His grip tightens. “Please, Nate? You said you’d always be there for us.” He looks at Bennet as if he’s seeking backup, but Bennet looks like he’s in a daze, so he’s no use to Benji. When it’s clear Bennet won’t be coming to his aid, Benji huffs out, “A fat lot of good, you are,” before turning his attention back to me. “So, will you?”

All I can do is say, “Okay.”

They share a quick smile that almost looks like a smirk. Benji stands up from the bed, and Bennet quickly follows behind. They’re standing in front of me, each giving the other a nervous glance. There’s an unspoken conversation happening between them—a sight I’m more than familiar with. There’s a small part of me buried deep, deep down that almost resents the fact they can converse without speaking a single syllable. I’ve never had that level of connection with anyone. With my ex-wife, Lindsay, words often went unsaid, and it was that same silence that snuffed out our spark. With Bennet and Benji, the silence is like sunshine warming the world around them. I want to be that for someone, someday. The light in their day. An unspoken promise that I am theirs and they are mine, whoever that person may be.

Their eyes meet mine, and though they’ve got their thumbs in the elastic bands of their jockstraps, neither of them makes a move. I don’t know what’s got them nervous, but I want that nervousness gone. It doesn’t belong here. This home is their safe space. My room is their refuge.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Bennet’s cheeks are solid red as he stares down at his feet. “We’re not very big,” he whispers, and there’s so much fear in the statement, I almost can’t stand it. “Down there. Promise you won’t laugh?”

Benji’s gnawing his bottom lip, nodding, refusing to meet my gaze. It hurts to see them embarrassed like this. It hurts to know this is clearly something they struggle with, because it’s something they can’t change. Their discomfort is a feeling I know well, so I’m hardly one to talk. My shame isn’t down to the size of my penis, though. It’s down to its inability to rise to the occasion. When I was younger, I struggled to achieve and maintain an erection, but sometime after I hit forty, it’s given up even trying. Medication doesn’t work. Pornography doesn’t work. Even the sight of my beautiful wife didn’t work toward the end.

“There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of,” I assure them. “It’s not the size of the rod that lures the fish, boys. It’s what’s hanging on the line.” Wanting to prove it, I stand from my place on the bed and I bridge the small distance separating us before placing a hand on each of their cheeks. “You’re both beautiful and kind. You’re both the total package, and any man would be lucky to have you call them Daddy.”

“Yeah?” they ask in unison.

“Absolutely.” I press a kiss against Benji’s cheek, then do the same with Bennet. “There’s no shame in this room. I will never judge you. I swear it.” They still don’t seem very convinced, but a bit of their nervousness has eased.

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