Page 46 of Bozo

Connor's jaw tightens. "It's complicated, Grá. I can't just cut ties completely."

I set my mug down, frustration bubbling up inside me. "Can't or won't?"

He sighs heavily. "Both. Look, I know you don't like it, but this is who I am. The club, Na Cártaí Dubha—it's all part of my life."

"And where do I fit into that life?" I ask, the words escaping before I can stop them.

Connor's eyes snap to mine, intense and unreadable. "You know where you fit, Sunshine."

I shake my head, feeling tears prick at my eyes. "No, Connor, I don't. I don't know what we are anymore." I look up at him. “I don’t know you anymore.” The words slip from my lips before I’m able to stop them.

He takes a step toward me, his eyes wide and his face slack. "Grá..."

"No," I say, holding up a hand to stop him. “I’m too tired, Con. I’m so fucking tired.” I pick up the mug once again. “I’m going to have a shower. I’ll see you later.”

I turn and walk away, my heart heavy in my chest. I hear Connor call my name, but I don't stop. I need space, time to think.

The hot water of the shower does little to ease the tension in my muscles or the ache in my heart. I lean my forehead against the cool tiles, letting the water cascade over me as I try to sort through my jumbled thoughts.

When I finally emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, I listen, my heart breaking when I realize he’s actually gone. I thought he’d stay, want to talk, but I was wrong. I should have known better than to get my hopes up, to think that he’d want more. He’s made it perfectly clear that we’re just friends with benefits.

I quickly dry and get dressed. Once I’m done, I strip the bed sheets, needing to have fresh ones on. I don’t want to smell him, not tonight, not when I’m so exhausted that I can hardly think straight.

After putting the sheets in the washing machine, I settle down on the sofa and put on a movie. I know that no matter how exhausted I am, I won’t be able to sleep right now. My mind is whirling with thoughts of Connor and me. I have no idea what the hell I should do.

I hear a knock at the door as I’m about to put on another movie. I’ve remade the bed with fresh sheets and my house is clean. I couldn’t sit down and watch the movie. I needed to do something and cleaning needed to be done.

My heart leaps as I make my way toward the door, thinking it might be Connor, but I quickly squash that hope. He's never come back after leaving before.

I open the door to find Mike standing there, a paper bag in his hand and a concerned look on his face.

"Hey," he says softly. "I hope I'm not intruding. I just... I couldn't shake the feeling that you needed a friend tonight."

I'm taken aback by his thoughtfulness. "Mike, I... Thank you. Come in."

He steps inside, holding up the bag. "I brought some food. Figured you probably haven't eaten yet."

The smell of Chinese food wafts from the bag and my stomach growls in response. I realize I haven't eaten since my shift at the hospital.

"That's really sweet of you," I say, leading him to the kitchen. "I appreciate it."

We settle at the kitchen table, and Mike starts unpacking the food. There's an awkward silence between us, and I can feel his eyes on me.

"Grá," he says finally, "I hope I'm not overstepping, but are you okay? You seemed off earlier."

I consider brushing off his concern, but something in his kind eyes makes me pause. "I'm... it's complicated," I admit.

Mike nods, passing me a container of lo mein. "Complicated relationships usually are," he says with a wry grin.

I sigh, picking at my food. "You could say that. It's just... I don't know where I stand with him. One minute he's here, making me feel like I'm the only woman in the world, and the next…"

Mike listens attentively, his brow furrowed in concern. "And the next?"

"The next, he's gone. Like he was never here at all." I push my food around with chopsticks, my appetite suddenly gone. "I know he cares about me, but sometimes I wonder if it's enough."

Mike reaches across the table, gently touching my hand. "Grá, you deserve someone who makes you feel valued all the time, not just when it's convenient for them."

His words hit me hard, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I know," I whisper. "I just... I've loved him for so long. It's hard to imagine my life without him."

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