Page 36 of Bozo

"Here," he says softly, pressing the warm cup into my hands. "Drink this. It'll help."

I take a sip, the hot liquid bringing me back to reality. Connor sits beside me, and I’m so glad that he’s here with me. We sit in silence for a while. The only sound is the ticking of the clock on the wall.

Finally, I look down at the envelope still clutched in my hand. With trembling fingers, I break the seal and pull out a single sheet of paper. My father's familiar scrawl covers the page, the ink smudged in places.

"Do you want me to leave?" Connor asks gently.

I shake my head, reaching out to grab his arm. I need him here with me. I’m not strong enough to do this alone. "No, please stay."

Taking a deep breath, I begin to read.

My dearest Gráinne,

If you're reading this, then I'm gone. I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness after all I've put you through, but I hope that in my final moments, I can offer you some sort of explanation. Although truth be told, there is no justification for what I did to you.

When your mam died, a part of me died with her. I couldn't bear the pain, so I turned to the bottle. It was cowardly. I know that now. I should have been there for you, should have protected you and loved you the way a father should. Instead, I let my grief consume me, and I failed you in every way possible. You deserved so much better than what I gave you.

I've watched you from afar these past few years. I know about your studies, about your dream of becoming a doctor. I know that stems from my mistreatment of you. You want to help others because there was no one there to help you when you so desperately needed it.

I'm so proud of you, Gráinne. You've become the strong, compassionate woman your mam always knew you could be.

Never doubt just how much we loved you, because we did. I just wasn’t strong enough to push through the guilt and pain of what I had caused your mam. I wish I had been a better man, a better dad. You deserved better.

But I do love you, Gráinne. I love you with every piece of me. I’m proud to call you my daughter.

Be happy, Gráinne. Never settle for anything less than you deserve, and my beautiful darling girl, you deserve the entire world.

You are loved. You are amazing, and you are beautiful.

Never forget that.

Love,

Dad

I stare at the letter, my vision blurring with tears. The words swim before my eyes as I read them over and over again, trying to make sense of it all.

Connor's arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling me close as I begin to sob. The letter falls from my hands, and I bury my face in his chest, letting out years of pent-up emotion. Connor holds me tight, letting me cry out my feelings as he comforts me.

As my tears begin to subside, I pull away slightly, wiping my eyes. "I don't know how to feel," I whisper, my voice hoarse. "He hurt me so much, Con. But reading this, I can't help but wonder what could have been if he'd just…"

"If he'd just gotten help," Connor finishes for me. I nod, fresh tears threatening to spill over. "It's okay to be confused," he says gently. "You can be angry and sad and hurt all at once. There's no right way to feel about this."

I take a shaky breath, picking up the letter again. My fingers trace over my father's words, feeling the indentations of the pen on the paper. It's the last tangible piece of him I have.

"He knew about my studies," I say softly. "He was proud of me."

“He was, and I know your mam would be too, just as I am.”

I stare at the cup of tea that’s no doubt ice-cold at this stage. “Do we have anything stronger?”

I hear his chuckle. “I’ll find out. If you don’t, I’ll get on that.”

I watch as he walks toward the kitchen, my mind racing as I notice his black cut with the word ‘prospect’ on the back with the Fury Vipers insignia.

He’s prospecting for the Fury Vipers motorcycle club? Since when did he decide to do that? The last I heard, he was thinking about it but hadn’t actually decided to do it.

"When did you start prospecting?" I call out, my voice still shaking from crying.

---