Page 42 of Don't Fall in Love (and how to break the rules)

“Oui, bien,” agreed Philippa with a smile. She appeared to have remained utterly unflappable since the start of the trip, in spite of all the children had thrown at them so far.

“Lovely,” said Dan, opening up his phone to check the walking route.

“It’s across the Pont Saint-Michel, I think,” said Philippa, her mental map of Paris clearly quite comprehensive.

“Allons y!” announced Dan, organising the children into a crocodile.

“Do I have to stand with Hardev?” whined Dottie.

“Yes,” said Nisha. “I need you both up front with me, showing me which way to go. Francis, are you ok over there? Yes, you walk with Erin. Perfect.”

Chrissie found herself a place near the middle of the group, while Dan and Philippa brought up the rear. She had the sense it might be helpful to give Nisha a bit of space. She could tell she was annoyed with her. She ached to get back to the hostel where her journal was. She hadn’t written in it since the previous day, and so much had happened. The window of freedom and joie de vivre she had opened up in the last twenty-four hours had suddenly closed back down.

The rules were there for a reason. She had messed things up.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Nisha was sitting on the edge of the bed, organising her pyjamas – pyjamas she hadn’t worn the night before. Chrissie looked at her back, her heart pounding and her stomach heavy.

“Sorry,” said Chrissie. It was the first time they’d been alone together since that morning. “I know I messed up.”

“You really did,” said Nisha. “What was that all about?” She continued to focus her attention on the hem of her green pyjamas.

Chrissie walked around and sat beside Nisha, desperate to create some kind of connection between them. She considered placing her arm against Nisha’s, but thought better of it. “Remember how you said I was too buttoned up, that I’d repressed part of myself?”

Nisha looked up for the first time, making brief eye contact.

“Well,” Chrissie continued, “after last night, I felt like life had possibility again. That maybe, the time had come to set aside my rules. It felt so freeing. And that’s because of you.”

“I get that,” said Nisha, “and I’m thrilled to hear it. Although, by the way, this is all you. You have the power to live your life the way that suits you best. But what about disappearing?”

“I just lost myself in that bookshop, reading and thinking and luxuriating in the space. I felt like I was somehow part of it, like I was essential to its being,” Chrissie sighed. She knew she wasn’t expressing herself the way she wanted to.

“You were at one with the bookshop?” said Nisha, a sarcastic tone to her voice that made Chrissie want to cry.

“No, no, I’m not articulating myself well. Sorry. I mean I just lost myself there. I started reading all about the history of the place and I could feel all the possibility of my life opening up. And I forgot about everything else,” said Chrissie, looking at the shabby chest of drawers against the wall in front of her.

“You forgot about us. I see,” said Nisha, her lips pursed.

Chrissie could feel her heartbeat, an echo of the way it had thumped when her ex-wife couldn’t seem to understand her excitement at chakra dancing. It hurt. “And this is why I have the rules,” she said, her voice low.

“Because you have a tendency to lose yourself,” said Nisha. Chrissie nodded. “Hmm. I see. I guess that makes sense.” Nisha sighed. “Might there be a middle way? Couldn’t you allow yourself happiness and freedom without getting in too deep and forgetting everyone around you?”

“I really don’t know,” Chrissie replied. There was a silent pause. Nisha stood up with her pyjamas and walked to the bathroom to get changed.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chrissie woke early next morning, and decided to get herself ready and go down to breakfast. She couldn’t bear the coldness she could feel emanating from Nisha, and snuck out of their room before her companion awoke.

The heap of pain au chocolat and jugs of fresh coffee were just what she needed to start the day. She had just enough time for a small cup and a pastry before going to rouse the children. Hopefully it would give her the space to gather her thoughts.

Chrissie took her journal from her bag, wondering where to start. She took a sip from her coffee and began to write. She began with the bookshop, then moved onto Nisha’s dimple, that night and then the coldness that had returned to their tempestuous relationship. She revisited her rules. She had abandoned all three, at least partially.

Rule 1 – don’t fall in love.She put a giant question mark next to that one. She wasn’t in love, was she? She was in something, but she wasn’t sure what. Something that made her heart ache and her blood pound and her brain race. Lust? No, that sounded tawdry. This was more than that. Whatever it was, she definitely wasn’t sticking to the letter of Rule 1.

Rule 2 – question everything.Well, she was certainly questioning everything now. But should she have questioned things earlier? Should she have questioned herself and where things were going when she was kissing Nisha? Should she have questioned her desire to escape from the school trip? Quite possibly. But as she remembered that kiss, that night, she felt her skin heat and the hairs on her arms stand up. Her head might be questioning it, but it was clear her body had no doubts.

What did that even mean?

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