Page 16 of Don't Fall in Love (and how to break the rules)

“I guess it would be more accurate to say she left me, but I am not sure I left her much choice. I was already seeing Athena by then, and had fully embraced the idea that polyamory was the way forward,” said Chrissie. “And Lucian was encouraging us all to break our ‘worldly bonds’ as he called them.” She used her fingers to signify speech marks. “Essentially, I dumped her, but tried to suggest it was her fault. She left and had to find somewhere else to live.”

Chrissie felt a tear drop down her face. Saying the words out loud to Nisha brought it all back. And she couldn’t help but wonder if Nisha would judge her for it, think less of her, not want to have anything to do with her.

She wouldn’t be the only one.

Nisha stood up. Chrissie looked down. Of course, Nisha would leave now. It was really only to be expected. She still felt shame for all she had done, and she couldn’t undo anything. But it was hard to experience another person choosing to break offcontact with her. Although how they would manage that at work, Chrissie didn’t know. She hoped she wouldn’t have to resign.

To her surprise, she felt movement beside her and looked up. Nisha had moved round the table so she was sitting next to Chrissie. “It’s ok,” she whispered as she put an arm around Chrissie’s shoulders.

Chrissie shuddered at the contact, shocked and relieved. “It’s not ok. It was never ok. But I have acknowledged that. I have said sorry to Kiera and made all the amends I can – including repaying her money that Lucian persuaded me to give Infinite Bliss.” She covered her face, not wanting to see Nisha’s inevitable disappointment with her. “I know, it’s appalling. I stole money that was ours. Honestly, I’m a truly despicable person.”

“You’re not, Chris,” said Nisha.

No one had called Chrissie that since Nisha herself, back at school.

“Yeah,” she continued. “You’ve done some seriously questionable things, but it sounds like you’ve done all you can to learn from the experience and put things right. And, you know, I wonder if you were a victim yourself? It sounds like this bloke was a proper wrong-un. You were grieving.” Nisha squeezed Chrissie’s shoulder and took a few big mouthfuls of beer.

“I was. But I feel like I have to own what I did, whatever the reasons were. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it ok. That’s why I have three rules I live by,” said Chrissie, pulling herself back together.

“Three rules,” said Nisha. “Ok, let’s hear them. I’ve not done such a great job with my life, so maybe I should adopt them too.”

Chrissie laughed. “This is my own personal journey. If you want rules, you have to make your own.”

Nisha smiled before she spoke: “I see you haven’t fully abandoned the hippy life.”

“I will always be me,” she said, quietly. “Ok, you ready?” Nisha nodded. “Rule one: don’t fall in love. Rule two: question everything. A lot of the trouble I got into before was because I didn’t question the information I was being given. I was being lied to every day and I can never let that happen again. And rule three: give back. That’s how I ended up working at the school, why I volunteer at the community centre and all that stuff. I want to make amends.”

“Ok,” said Nisha. “I get rules two and three. Arguably, I think those are rules we can all live by. But why are you saying you can’t fall in love? What the hell is that about?” She was slurring her words slightly.

Chrissie felt annoyance rise inside her. She hadn’t shared this with many people, and Nisha’s disdain hurt. She felt it sharply in her chest. “You’ve had too much to drink,” she said, shortly.

“You’ve had the same amount as me,” Nisha pointed out. “And you’re trying to change the subject. I mean it, what the hell is going on with you? Don’t you think you deserve happiness like everyone else?” Her voice was rising. “Or do you want to be some kind of saint?”

“I’m no saint,” said Chrissie, her voice coming out louder than she had planned. She felt like the walls of the café bar were closing in on her. Her breaths came fast. “You’ve heard how far from sainthood I am.”

“But you seem to want to be one, with this mad vow of celibacy,” said Nisha, gesticulating wildly.

“I don’t think we should talk about this anymore,” Chrissie told her.

“But I want to know what this is about,” said Nisha, her mouth now a straight line.

Chrissie shifted so she wasn’t so close to her colleague. She reached for her jacket. “I’ve already told you. And I don’tunderstand why you’re so interested,” she added. “It’s not like I’ve heard from you in more than twenty years.”

“Wow, ok, so we’re going there, are we?” Nisha said with a frown.

“Look, I’m going to go.” Before Nisha could say anything more, Chrissie walked briskly out of the bar without looking back, the words they’d just exchanged spinning in her head.

Chapter Twelve

Chrissie held her journal, hugging it tight. It had been a while since she’d written about her father. Don had been a warm, friendly sort of guy, and loved Chrissie with all his heart. Her mother had left when she was young, and he had raised her alone. Despite her mum’s absence, she had never felt much of a gap – her memories of her were vague at best. But Don had been an evergreen presence in her life.

During her teens he had become unwell, and she had spent a lot of time looking after him. Most often they’d watch TV together, or perhaps read. He never expected her to care for him, but it was a labour of love for Chrissie. She remembered him peering over his half-moon reading glasses at her, his balding head shaking as she talked about horoscopes or new age philosophy. He hadn’t been a fan. But he’d taken her interests in good humour, reminding her at all times: “Remember who you are, Christina Anderson, you are the one and only daughter of Don Anderson, and that counts for something.”

At the time, Chrissie hadn’t understood what he meant. Perhaps she was beginning to now. He’d have hated Lucian and the Infinite Bliss group. He’d never have understood. Butsomewhere along the lines she had lost herself. Maybe she’d shamed his memory.

Don had loved Nisha and happily tolerated the two of them camping out in the back garden in his old tent after their exams were over. He said it made the house nice and peaceful and left them to it. He’d comforted Chrissie the day Nisha left, even though he didn’t really understand what was going on. Chrissie didn’t feel she could tell him at the time. Looking back, she wondered if he had guessed.

Chrissie smiled to herself. It was nice to think about him now. There would always be pain there, but there was a sweetness too, an echo of the unconditional love he’d always shown her. She wondered what he would think of her rules. She sighed. He’d probably have lit his pipe and declared: “Poppycock, bab.” There would have been a kindness to it, but he’d have dismissed it regardless. He always seemed to know exactly who he was and what he was doing.

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