Page 77 of Crazy Imperfect Hearts

We did it four nights in a row. Four nights of him wanting to get me off despite my assurances it wouldn’t happen. Which it didn’t. To his credit, he never got mad. I think he was just frustrated that I didn’t even let him try. But damn, I came so close last night.

He’s so different from David. Like in another stratosphere. Hell, he brings me pastries, something David wouldn’t have done in a million years.Heused to bring me laxatives and diet pills and photos of bodies he thought were attractive.

How did I ever get sucked into a relationship with him? If I could only go back and tell my nineteen-year-old self that if a man didn’t like me for who I was, he wasn’t worth a second thought.

And then there’s Lucas. He doesn’t seem to have any issues with my weight, my extra inches, or my all-around plumpness.I was sturdy and thick even in my teens, yet he masturbated in high school at the thought of me.

Why is life never easy? Back then, I was willing to do anything, including sacrificing my volleyball career, to get the attention of the star athlete who only wanted to mold me into his version of the perfect girl. And now, the guy I’m sleeping with is a hot, kind, wealthy bachelor who accepts me for who I am and could set any potential kid up for life, yet he’s one hundred percent unavailable, unreliable, and unattainable.

Not that I’d want to attain him.

I cock my head at Joey as he watches me from across the living room.Would I?

It’s a ridiculous thought and I almost laugh at the unconscionable notion of Lucas and me together on any other level than what we are right now.

I think knowing it could never and would never happen is what’s making all this possible.

“Are you hungry?” I ask Joey, reaching for a can of cat food. “How about tuna tonight?”

He meows when he hears the familiar ‘pffft’ sound of me pulling the tab of the can. I dump it on his food plate and allow him to eat it right up here on the kitchen counter. I chuckle knowing Lucas would probably hate it and would sanitize the entire kitchen. But he’d do it without getting mad. Sure, he’d call me careless, breezy, maybe even irresponsible, but then he’d roll his eyes, smile, and meticulously scrub the counter.

I pat Joey’s head. “I’m off to meet the girls. Be a good boy.”

Down the stairs and out the front door, I stop and turn before crossing the street. I go back and lock the shop. I’m not sure why I do it. Maybe it’s Lucas’s voice in my head. Maybe I’m already being protective of what may or may not be growing in my womb.

Across the street and around the back of the ice cream shop, I find our usual bench. It’s empty. I’m the first one here. I sit and stare at the playground. There are a few kids on the jungle gym and more on the slides. Izzy McQuaid pushes her five-year-old brother Myles on the swing. Their mom, Willow, waves from across the way. As I wave back, I notice something I hadn’t before. The distinct curve of a pregnant belly. Willow is expecting.

I wonder if we’d become closer if I had a baby too. Would we go to the same Mommy and Me classes? Would our kids go to preschool together?

“Hey!” I hear behind me.

Ava is walking up, her hands full of coffee in two drink carriers. “We’re the first ones here?” She looks around. “I heard we might have a full house tonight. Amber said she wanted everyone here.”

“I know. I saw the text. You think she’s pregnant?”

She shrugs sadly and I feel bad for her knowing how much she wants it for her and Trev.

I can see it now, all of us cheering and hugging and smiling when Amber delivers the news. It’s a far cry from what would happen should I make the same announcement. Looks of disapproval, concern, and maybe even judgment would be more like it. Would my friends even be supportive?

Maddie pushes a stroller up next to the table. Little Teddy is awake, wide-eyed, and utterly adorable. I reach in and touch his hand. When he grabs onto my finger, my heart explodes. I almost tear up with how badly I want this. But with all this pregnancy and baby stuff surrounding me, I get a sinking feeling it won’t happen for me. Like maybe I waited too long and missed my chance.

Maddie elbows me, looking across the playground. “I didn’t know Willow was expecting.”

“Me neither. You think Amber is?”

She shrugs.

“Oh, come on. Tag is her best friend. You must know something.”

Ignoring my statement, which means she absolutely knows something, she says, “I’m glad nobody else is here yet. I wanted to ask you how things are going with Lucas.”

I stiffen for a second before I realize she thinks we’re sleeping together for orgasm purposes. I shake my head. “That’s not happening.”

“Really? Why not?”

“Because it was weird.”

She puts a hand on my shoulder. “It was kinda.”

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