Page 134 of Crazy Imperfect Hearts

Regan peels herself out of my arms and hovers over the incubator. I go around and do the same at the other side. Our hands connect over the top as Darrin watches on.

A tear rolls down Regan’s face. “I don’t ever want to leave him. I want to be with him every second of every day.”

I squeeze her hand. “I know how you feel. But I’m not sure you know howIfeel.”

She looks up. “What do you mean? I’m his mom. Of course I know.”

“You don’t.” I shake my head and draw in a deep breath. Because,fuck, here it goes. “In five days, or a week, or two weeks, or however long it may be—youget to take him home.Youget to be with him all the time. I’m the one who goes home alone. I get him for a few weekends.” I stare down at him. “I know what the contract says, but, Regan, a few weekends and holidays isn’t enough. I want more. More than summer vacations at the beach and trips to Disney World. I want him every minute of every day. I want to be there when he wakes up. I want to feed him his midnight bottle. I want to be there when he rolls over, smiles his first smile, takes his first steps. I want to be there for every birthday, every fall off the skateboard, every broken heart. My apartment is so goddamn empty. I’ve been wandering around it for days. It’s what I do when I’m not here. I wander around my huge apartment and think about how empty it is. I think about how emptyIam. Without him.” I clear my throat. “Without you.”

She tilts her head, staring at me like I’m an alien.

“When we leave here, I want you to come home with me. Wait, that’s not true. I wantyouto come home with me today. Tonight. I don’t want to spend another sleepless night withoutyou. I want you to come home with me today and him to come home with us when he’s ready. I want… I want us to be a family.”

“I… Lucas, I—”

“Sorry,” Christa says. “I need to check him again.”

Our hands come apart as we both back away. We want to look at each other, but right now, looking at Mitchell is more important.

Christa listens to his lungs then turns to us. “So, who wants to hold this little Comeback Kid?”

I raise a questioning brow.

Christa smiles. “He just earned his name.”

“Comeback Kid,” I muse. “I like it. Not as good as M&M, but it’ll do.”

Regan seems to be in a daze as she sits in the rocking chair.

Mitchell gets placed into her arms. She looks at him, then at me, then back at him.

I step near her side. “What do you say, can we give it a go?”

“I…”

Darrin’s arm clasps my shoulder. “Why don’t you go for a cup of coffee, Lucas? She seems a little overwhelmed at the moment.”

Lucas.Notson.

Regan’s entire focus is on Mitchell. She doesn’t even glance up at me. I nod and leave, thinking about how colossally I just fucked everything up.

~ ~ ~

Sitting on a hard chair outside the NICU, I stare into my cold, untouched coffee. I replay the words in my head. I know I didn’t say it right. I want a do-over. She probably thinks I’m crazy rambling on like that about being empty and shit.

Someone sits next to me. “What’s your endgame, Lucas?”

It’s Darrin.

I lean back and let my head thud against the unforgiving concrete wall. “This isn’t a game, Darrin. I love her. I’minlove with her.”

A deep sigh comes out of him. “You loved all the others too, no?”

“She’s different.”

“Because she had your child?”

I shake my head. “I know you won’t believe me. Nobody will. But I think she might be the reason I could never be with the others. I’ve asked myself for years why I could never follow through. Was it them? Me? Was I just that scared of commitment? But it was none of that.” I close my eyes. “It was her. It was Regan. It’s always been her. She’s the one. I think I’ve loved her since I was fourteen. IknowI’ve loved her since before she got pregnant. And now… seeing her with him. I’m not sure I can ever live without her.”

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