Page 82 of Crazy Imperfect Hearts

She nods. “Okay.” She motions to the door. “I really should open up.”

As I descend the stairs, still in a state of shock, she calls my name. I glance back.

“Don’t forget.” She smiles brightly. “You have to quit smoking now.”

I hold up a dismissive hand. “Yup. Sure thing.”

In minutes, I’m back in my car lighting up. I take a long drag off one of the last cigarettes I’m ever going to have and think of how I was just kicked out.Again.

Oh, how ironically poetic it is to have the tables turned.

~ ~ ~

I smoke two cigarettes on the way back. It’s only a twenty-minute drive from Regan’s to the winery, but I sit in my car and smoke two more, emptying my pack, wondering what kind of father I’ll be—hoping I’ll be a good one. Knowing I can’t fuck this up. Not this.

Am I happy?Yes, I think I am. I think I’m fucking ecstatic. I’m going to be a dad. It’s something I thought would never happen. I thought the door to that had been closed, sealed, and nailed shut after leaving Lissa.

It’s just, when I agreed to this… no, when Isuggestedit, I didn’t imagine things would get so complicated.

Back in my office, I sit and blindly stare at the crumpled pack of Marlboros in my trash can.

“What’s eating you, brother?” Blake asks from the doorway, a box tucked under his arm.

“You have no fucking idea.”

He steps inside, closes the door, and deposits the box on the corner of my desk. “Your industrial sized box of Post-it notes.” He sniffs the air around me and scowls. “Why do you smell like a goddamn chimney? I thought you were going to kick that nasty habit.”

I nod to the trash. “I just did.”

He laughs heartily. “Right.” He takes the seat across from my desk. “So what’s up?”

I shouldn’t tell him. I shouldn’t tell anyone. We agreed to keep it a secret as long as possible. But it’s eating away at me like a fast-growing cancer. I have to talk about it. I have to tell someone.

“I’m…” I lean back in my chair, look up at the ceiling, and let out a long, deep sigh. “I’m going to be a dad.”

Just saying the words knocks the breath right out of me. I knew what I was doing. I knew it would probably happen sooner or later. I just didn’t know I would feel like this. I didn’t realize there would be this intense need inside me to protect the little being that’s no more than a bundle of cells at this point. And more… to protect its mom.

“Holy crap.” He scrubs a hand across his jaw. “You got someone pregnant?” His eyes go wide. “Oh, shit, it’s Regan, isn’t it? Bad move, brother. Thought you were smarter than to let that happen.”

“I didn’t let it happen. We planned it.”

He almost falls out of his chair. “Youwhat?”

“Not only that. It wasmyidea.” I shake my head, wanting to regret it, but knowing I don’t.

I tell Blake everything.

“Dude, are you crazy? So you’re just going to share custody, both of you being part-time single parents?”

“We have a contract. Candace drew it up for us. Regan will be the primary parent.”

He scratches his head over and over. “Why are you doing this?”

“Same reason she wanted to. Something was missing in my life.”

He belts out a maniacal laugh. “You mean other than the four fiancées you ditched?”

“I get enough shit from everyone else, Blake. I don’t need it from you.”

---