Page 122 of Crazy Imperfect Hearts

“Well then,” I say, moving toward the door. “I think I’ll go check on my mom. How about I come back in fifteen minutes or so and take you to the NICU?”

Regan looks at Lola who nods.

“Perfect.” Regan peruses the table for another bite. “And thanks for this, it was really sweet of you.”

“It’s nothing. See you in a few.”

“Lucas… it’s not nothing. Really. Thank you.”

“You got it.”

Our eyes connect for a long moment before she goes in for another bite. But damn, in that moment, it’s like something was connecting us. Something more than Mitchell. More than what we’ve gone through or are going through. More than what any contract binds us to.

I leave the room, press my back against the wall just outside it, and grip my shirt right over my heart. Because I’ve got it bad for the woman on the other side of that door. And it’s killing me that when we leave this place, we won’t be leaving together.

Chapter Forty-two

Regan

Pumping is strange. And not at all the intimate experience I was hoping for. The plastic bottle doesn’t grip my finger while taking nourishment from my body. The motorized buzzing is not the soft suckling sound I find myself craving.

I can’t wait to hold Mitchell in my arms and nurse him.

When I gaze at the empty chair next to the bed, remembering how Lucas was looking at me, I start crying for no reason at all.

Lola gobbles down a piece of sushi and pats my arm. “Everything okay?”

“I don’t know.” I sniff. “I mean, I guess so.” My chest heaves as my eyes are glued to the chair. “How am I going to do this alone? What was I thinking? I don’t know how to raise a kid and run a business at the same time.”

“I’m confused,” Lola says, glancing between me and the door. “Aren’t you two…?”

“No.” I cry harder. “We’re doing this together, but we’re nottogether.”

“Oh.” She checks the pump and removes it from my right breast. “I guess I just thought with the way you guys looked at each other…”

I swallow. “Wh-what do you mean?”

She shrugs. “Well, it just seemed obvious that you guys were a couple.”

I laugh snottily. “We’re not. We never have been. We’re friends. Good friends. But… Oh my god, why am I crying? This is ridiculous. I never cry like this.”

“It’s the hormones.”

My eyes snap to hers. “I thought all that crap was done as soon as I delivered.”

She looks mildly amused. “Quite the opposite. After childbirth there is a dramatic drop in the estrogen and progesterone in your body. There also may be a sharp drop in hormones produced by your thyroid gland. All of that can lead to emotional mood swings, sluggishness, even depression.” She puts her hands on her hips. “Haven’t you read anything about the postpartum period?”

“No.” I cover my face with my hands. My shoulders shake with more uncontrolled sobbing. “I… I just thought everything would go back to the way it was.” I glance at the chair again. “Or… something.”

Her hand lands on my shoulder. “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Some of it may be real. Some of it not. But for most people, the ‘baby blues,’ as they call it, will go away within a few weeks. So by the time you and Mitchell head home, you could be ready to conquer the world.”

Ready to conquer the world.

With a baby.

By myself.

The door swings open. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

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