Page 79 of Loud Unspoken Memories

“It’s okay. I get it. And Marti, those things you said are probably right.”

“Grief sucks.”

His chin dips in agreement. “It does.”

“People don’t understand that there isn’t a timeline in which you magically get over someone. They don’t get that you don’t just lose someone once. It happens over and over. In our dreams. In the faces of others. In a simple word, gesture, or memory. They don’t get that there isn’t an end to the loss. That there isn’t a cure for the daily shock you feel when you suddenly realize they’re gone. Again.”

He squeezes me. He squeezes me tightly because he knows every word I said is true.

I look up at him, tears coating my lashes. “And most importantly, what they don’t understand is that while it might be true that in time, the wound may heal, we will forever have a scar.”

“Jesus,” he whispers, eyes closed, tears escaping and rolling down the sides of his face.

I wipe the wetness away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a downer.”

His eyes open and he stares directly into me. “You’re not. Believe me.” He runs a finger along my jaw. “I think Alex would have had your kind heart.”

I rest my head back on his chest. “DJ would be strong like you.”

“She’d be a badass like her mom. Climbing towers to save the day.”

“He’d save damsels in distress.”

“She would be snarky. And funny. And”—he lifts my head so I have to look at him—“totally fucking beautiful.”

My heart explodes in my chest, spreading love and warmth throughout my entire body, all the way to every finger and toe. And I know for sure, in this moment, that I’m in love with him. Deep, profound, all-consuming love. The kind that won’t go away when you aren’t together. The kind I never thought I’d experience. The kind I know I’ll never get over for the rest of my life.

I crawl up so we’re face to face, mere inches between our lips. I inhale a long breath. “I… I…”

Love you.

But I can only say it in my head.

“… need you to kiss me.”

He sighs, visibly relieved I didn’t declare my love for him. It breaks my heart to be in love with a man who can’t love me back. Or won’t. But I see it in his eyes. The emotion. The desperation. The desire to regain something he once had. The intense fear of what that might do to him.

When his lips collide with mine, I get lost in them. In him. In the world I can only temporarily belong to. So I enjoy every feeling. Remember every touch. Relish every second.

And I ignore the ticking clock that’s counting down to just another moment in time that will destroy me.

Chapter Thirty-three

Dallas

Dawn breaks outside and light streaks through the windows, casting bright lines across the floor. I stare at Marti as she sleeps, careful not to wake her. She’s only been out for a few hours. We’ve been having sex almost nonstop since we talked about her daughter the night before last, only pausing for food, bathroom breaks, reading marathons, and naps.

It’s like we’re both counting down the hours until the snowplow and tow truck arrive.

Will it be today?

I try to wrap my head around how I feel about that. This time with her has almost felt like a dream. One I’m about to wake from but don’t want to. But I know better. Even if deep down this is something I truly want, it’s not anything I can have.

There were a few times there when I could swear she was going to say things. Things like she doesn’t want to leave. Things like she’s in love with me. It’s ridiculous to even think it. We’ve only known each other for ten days.

I’m glad she didn’t say it, even if there’s no way it could be true. I know myself. I’d have run right out of the cabin door and kept going for miles. I’d have tried to run her, this, everything, right out of my head. The problem is, I’m not sure there are enough trails in all of New York to make that happen.

No matter how much I try to tell myself it’s not happening, it is. I’m falling for her. Despite every cell in my body screaming that it’s wrong. That I can’t. That going through it all again would wreck me.

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